How single parents cope with everyday life
Andre Lehner: «I just worked»
His wife was suddenly gone, leaving Andre Lehner on his own. The computer scientist has been living alone with his son for twelve years. From the everyday life of a single father who still has to fight against prejudice.
Robin Lehner storms into the kitchen and throws his rucksack into the corner. «Häsch vill Ufzgi?» asks his father. The 12-year-old nods. «I'll make them with you later.» Andre Lehner prepares dinner. Later, he will check on his son's chores, do the washing up, wash the laundry and hang it out to dry. Just household things. He always does it, and he always does it alone.
Andre Lehner, 52, is a computer scientist and has been a single father for twelve years. This puts him in a statistical minority in Switzerland. Single fathers make up only around twelve per cent of all single-parent households in this country.
Shortly after Robin's birth, the family began to experience difficulties. The mother is already struggling to develop feelings of motherhood in the puerperium, says the father. It's the «baby blues», everyone thinks, it will eventually subside. But it doesn't. When Andre Lehner comes home from work in the evening, his wife puts the baby in his arms and leaves the house. The young father swaddles, cuddles and cuddles his son until he falls asleep. And so the first year of his life drags on. «I worked because I had to fulfil my responsibility as a father,» he recalls. He owed it to the child, he thought. If the mother couldn't do it.
Single fathers make up only around twelve per cent of all single-parent households in Germany.
He spends more and more evenings and weekends alone with his child. «I felt like I was driving into a wall at 180 kilometres per hour,» he recalls. Then came the divorce. Although Lehner and his lawyer insist on joint parental custody, the judge surprisingly decides otherwise during the trial: «I think it would be better if they looked after the child alone.» Lehner is awarded sole custody.
Andre Lehner is on his own from one day to the next. He receives no alimony from the mother. The state does not step in either, as the man's savings are too large - and yet too small - to deal with the new situation in a feudal manner. He continues to work full-time. It took Lehner a long time to come to terms with his new role as a single father. «I was an exotic figure,» he says. He repeatedly tries to join single parent groups, but the majority of mothers he meets there are unwilling to accept him as a man.
And so he withdraws and struggles through everyday life with a young son and the lofty ambition of providing the child with a solid foundation: shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning, stroking his son's hair soothingly when monsters creep into his dreams at night, children's birthday parties, the first day of school. The double burden of work and caring for his son is increasingly taking its toll.
But then one evening, a dedicated social worker from the local community rings Andre Lehner's doorbell: a farming family has a place for his little one with a day-care family. Robin is three years old. A godsend for the working father. The farming family, who had four children of their own, took the boy in with warmth, and to this day the pre-pubescent spends his days during the week with the family, who live within cycling distance of the Lehners.
Robin comes home to his father for dinner. Together they make Ufzgi, eat, talk, and every evening the father puts his son to bed. «This is our sacred time, and it bonds us together,» Andre Lehner is certain. And that's not all: sometimes his role as a single father even enriches him, he says: «I get to experience so much that other fathers don't.» Father and son go cycling or camping at the weekend. During the holidays, they pack up their specially converted VW pickup and head off to Corsica. A man's adventure.
«The childminder is an important carer for Robin, but not a substitute for a mother. He feels every day that he doesn't experience the intensity of a mother's love.»
And how is Robin doing without his mum? «I always ignore my friends' questions,» he says firmly. And the father adds: «The childminder is an important carer for Robin, but not a substitute for a mother. He feels every day that he doesn't experience the intensity of a mother's love.»
Mother and son now meet from time to time. But Robin is increasingly deciding who he wants to share his life with. Lehner says that his mother is not his first priority. And: «My job as a father is also to explain to him that he must not lose his basic trust in women.» Father and son are on good terms, even if they are currently facing a different challenge: The IT expert is looking for a job. But he is sure that will be fine too.
Regula, 36, has been a single parent for two years:
"I have three children between the ages of 6 and 10, and I turn over every centime to keep us afloat. The children's father and I separated two years ago. Fortunately, we live in a flat subsidised by the city with manageable rental costs. Nevertheless, we are at the limit of our financial means every month.
I budget around 500 francs for food and household expenses, which I use to buy groceries and everything else we need in the household. Sometimes we treat ourselves to a piece of meat, but that's not usually an option. That's why our diet is practically exclusively vegetarian. We don't own a car and we only go on holiday in Switzerland. Luckily, we can use a friend's holiday home and don't have to pay much rent. I am well aware that we are «poor» in the traditional Swiss sense, but I am not ashamed of our «lifestyle».
Nevertheless, we are at the limit of our financial resources every month.
Because its simplicity and modesty correspond to my philosophy of life. I am sure that children can be taught very early on what important values are. And these are not expensive holidays in faraway countries or the fact that every child has to have their own room. We want for nothing. We lead a nice and balanced life - and yes, we have to watch our budget. My children wear clothes from second-hand shops, but I don't think they are ever badly or shabbily dressed. In my circle of friends, it's quite normal for us to exchange and pass on clothes and toys instead of always buying new things. My children are taught many values by me that go beyond how much money we have as a family. They even find it funny when they are with friends who live in a big house. They live modestly and honour this fact appropriately. That can't be wrong for their future. I work part-time in a social institution.
My ex-husband doesn't pay a lot of alimony. But he makes up for it with his presence as a father. The children are with him regularly and we discuss together how our children should grow up. Both he and I live with new partners. My partner also has children of his own. It's not always easy, but it's also enriching. We muddle through, but I don't think the children suffer as a result. Because we're always honest with them, and that can't be so damaging for them as a consequence.
Simone, 47, has been a single mum for six years:
"I'm always a bit inhibited when I put my situation in relation to other single mums. I don't have any money worries, which doesn't make everything easier, but it does make a lot of things easier. I myself come from a wealthy background and my ex-husband pays us more maintenance every month than some people earn in a month. I studied diplomatic relations and often worked abroad, but since becoming a mother I've worked in Switzerland in a leading position at a Scandinavian company. Together with the money I earn, we live above average.
Even if this may sound cool to other parents, it's better to have a committed, loving nanny than a frustrated mum.
But what does that mean? I have other things to worry about. Although my son and I travel a lot and lead a comfortable life, I wonder how he will describe growing up without his father in thirty years' time. Will he have children of his own? Does he live with a woman or is he also separated?
I often socialise with mothers who live in a similar way to me. Most of them work as a matter of course. I've never struggled with that - on the contrary. I couldn't imagine life as a housewife. I've had an au pair at home since my son was little. Even though this may sound cool to other parents, it's better to have a dedicated, loving nanny than a frustrated mum.
I was always lucky, my son got on well with all the women who worked for us. My father and I divorced when the boy was barely a year old. My husband made it clear to me at the time that he would always support me financially, but that he wanted to see the world and wouldn't be a good father. That sounded harsh at the time, but I now know what he meant. And now it's like this: I'm a single mum, the father sees the child twice a year. My son sees him more as his mum's godfather or friend than as his father. The advantage of my life situation is that I can decide for myself. Everything. That's very relieving for me. However, when I had to introduce myself to the other parents a year ago when my son started school at the international school with a day structure, I felt a little uneasy. Until I realised that there were other mothers there on their own as well as me."
Martina Bortolani: «I have walked the path of happiness»
We recently had two kittens. Not particularly unexpected, as our cat lady spent her days and nights outdoors, so it was only natural that we should be happy at some point. One morning, as the baby cats lay peacefully in their basket with their mum, I said to my children: «She's actually like me: a single mum.» My daughter, 11, reacted very vehemently: «Not at all! You're not a single mum. Daddy's there too.» My son, 9, nodded vigorously.
It took me a moment to realise. My children obviously don't see me as a single parent. I, on the other hand, was using a term that I had never really thought about. Because I also feel that the term «single parent» is not worthy of my situation.
My ex-husband and I have not only agreed on joint parental care, but I also don't feel «alone» in my responsibilities. The children's father takes his responsibilities seriously and relieves me in many ways. The children spend the night with him at least once a week and regularly spend weekends with him too. We talk to each other when it comes to parenting issues and continue to bicker when these go into detail. We think and function as a family, but we live separately. Is that so wrong?
If parents are able to work out their personal and emotional separation feuds in a considerate way, children will certainly not suffer any more than if they grow up with parents who stay together but argue constantly.
I don't want to gloss over anything. It is every child's greatest wish that mum and dad stay together. I would never want to deny my children this tender wish. And yes, of course I always feel guilty about it - precisely because I can't, and couldn't, offer my children this romantic family situation.
In my everyday life, I find that my children can cope well with a parent who goes their own way. Without ignoring the many good things about the father of the children, the moment we separated, I took the path of autonomy and ultimately of subjective happiness.
But does that make me an egotist who has traumatised her children with this decision? Isn't it much more important for children to experience that their mum or dad is able to follow the path of happiness? Instead of living in an unhappy relationship for years and doing nothing about it. And this only because parents - for the sake of the children! - should stay together. If parents are able to work out their personal and emotional separation feuds in a considerate way, children will certainly not suffer any more than if they grow up with parents who stay together but argue all the time. As a parent living apart, you can also develop a new self-confidence. You do a lot of things right.
There's a saying: perfect parents make around a hundred mistakes a day, imperfect parents make around half of them and normal parents make a few a day. Yes, I'm not a perfect mum. But I am authentic. And I try to set an example for my children that being happy in life sometimes has more value than conforming to the norm.
When I see couples at parents' evenings at school who feign intimacy but have nothing to say to each other, I feel that my path is the more straightforward one. And I don't mean that in a bitter or envious way.
Thank goodness I also know a handful of couples with children whose love and honesty I am very convinced of. They are and will remain my role models!
Read more:
- Single parent - 6 questions, 6 answers
- Single parents - we can do it