How parents can support their child in disputes with friends

«That stupid cow! I'll never talk to her again!» With tears in her eyes, Marie slams the front door behind her and throws herself into her mother's arms. Her mother hugs her tightly and says nothing. She knows that the two of them will soon be great friends again.

Children also experience difficult and conflict-laden phases in friendships. These offer them the opportunity to practise their social skills and mature into socially competent adults. As parents, you can accompany your child on this journey. Of course, there is no magic formula for dealing with crises and arguments - but there are some helpful ideas.

Stay calm

When you have a tearful child in your arms, you want nothing more than to put your world back in order immediately. You want to know what's going on, hear the whole story and sort the problem out. However, if Marie's mum picks up the phone straight away and calls Sophie's mum to clear up the misunderstanding or settle the dispute, she is depriving her child of important experiences.
Children can resolve many conflicts well on their own. They just need someone to pick them up. As a parent, you can hug your child, ask them what has happened and simply listen. Some children also find it helpful to ask: «You're really upset - what would be good for you right now?» You can make suggestions to the child: «Do you want to tell me or should I just hold you? Do you want to distract yourself?» Some children want to get rid of the story straight away, others don't want to talk about it and are happy if you don't probe any further.

Anyone who immediately calls their best friend's mum to clarify things is depriving their child of valuable experiences.

When I was in first grade, I suggested the following to my mum: «If I'm not feeling well, I won't come in, I'll ring the doorbell. Then you have to open the door and ask: Fabian, what's wrong? Then I can tell you.» That way I could decide for myself whether I wanted to talk about it or not, or take a moment before answering the door.
Some people are very afraid of rejection. They do everything they can to avoid conflict and are always afraid that a friendship or relationship could fall apart. Unfortunately, insecurity often leads to clinging, cloying, demanding or mistrustful behaviour, which makes it difficult for children and young people to build beautiful and stable friendships. The feared break-up becomes a reality.

Live conflicts

There is an effective defence against this fear: the experience that arguments are only a snapshot in a relationship. And that reconciliation and reparation are possible.
We all make mistakes and don't always behave fairly or correctly towards our children. Instead of getting lost in justifications, we could seize the opportunity that presents itself and apologise to the child: «I'm sorry that I shouted at you - that wasn't right.» This doesn't mean we lose respect, but shows that you can make mistakes in a relationship and make up again - and that we don't have to be perfect to like each other.
The ability to make up after a conflict can also be experienced by children when they occasionally see their parents hug each other after a stressful situation and say something like: «Sorry, I overreacted.» These small, inconspicuous signals let children know that it is perfectly normal to apologise and that there is no need to try to cover up a mistake or blame it on others. A sincere apology is not a sign of weakness, but part of respectful behaviour.
Sometimes children need help in dealing with a conflict - whether it is because they cannot understand their friend's reaction or because they are ashamed of their own behaviour and do not know how to make up for the mistake. In this case, you can support your child by helping them to empathise with the other child or to make up for the mistake.

«Sophie shouldn't have said that. But what do you think? What made her so angry?»

Marie's mum could help her daughter to approach Sophie by addressing something that connects them: «I can imagine that Sophie is feeling exactly the same as you at the moment.»
At the same time, she can help her daughter to take Sophie's point of view by listening on the one hand and asking herself what the situation looked like for Sophie on the other: «Hm ... of course it's not okay at all that Sophie called you a hollow nut. She must have been very angry. Why do you think she was so angry?»
If your child has made a mistake - either accidentally or out of anger - you can get creative with them and think about how they can mend the relationship with the other child. There are many ways to do this. Does your child want to apologise directly to the other child? Or would they prefer to write a letter, draw a picture or put a small gift in their friend's letterbox?

Tips

Do not resolve the conflict hastily by taking action yourself instead of the child, for example by calling the other child's parents.
Children often just need someone to pick them up. Just be there - with a loving hug and an open ear.
Not every child wants to talk about difficult situations straight away. Don't probe them. Instead, ask the child what would be good for them.
After an argument, help the child to empathise with the other child.
Show your child appreciation when he or she has had the courage to apologise.
Show your child that relationships can endure conflict and that reconciliation is possible.

To the author:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 36-year-old is married and father to a son, 3, and a daughter, 7 months. He lives with his family in Freiburg.
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