How Jesper Juul changed my life

Jesper Juul came into my life in 2008. The book was called «From Education to Relationship» and it fascinated me so much that I immediately wanted to read all of his texts.
A year later, I experienced Jesper Juul live for the first time. His talk was entitled «Foundation stones for the family». Jesper pleaded for more personal responsibility instead of blind obedience, he spoke about self-awareness, integrity, authenticity and equality - his words touched me deeply. Jesper spoke to me from the heart.

I began to study his ideas and tried to integrate the new insights and connections into my professional and private life. My better understanding of interpersonal processes led to me getting to know myself and my loved ones better.
More and more, I was able to respect my own nature and that of my family and friends. This enabled me to take more responsibility for my values, my integrity and my actions; my sense of self increased and my quality of life improved.
I experienced increasingly satisfying relationships.
My goal of being together as equals was (and still is) not to achieve harmony, but to reduce destructive conflicts. Equality gave me a feeling of strength; I could see how the children relaxed and felt at ease.
Convinced by this attitude of equality, in 2010 I founded familylab.ch, a counselling network for families and professionals, which now has 160 seminar leaders. I created a platform where professionals, parents and carers can get advice and inspiration on how to live successful relationships.

Personal memories: A sacking and many artichoke bottoms

In the same year, I attended an 18-day seminar by Jesper Juul on the subject of family coaching. The venue was the Fraueninsel on Lake Chiemsee. Unfortunately for Jesper, we stayed in the monastery. I remember well how the strict Sister Scholastica scolded Jesper for smoking in the monastery garden. As punishment, he was banned from the house and was only allowed in to teach.

Jesper was often in Switzerland, giving talks and seminars for familylab.ch. A special friendship developed between us. I was fascinated by his authentic nature. He was always genuine and present. He didn't like small talk and wasn't a fan of fancy words. He was a good listener, spoke to the point, surprising and inspiring.
I myself sometimes felt insecure in my actions and would have appreciated a word of encouragement from Jesper. There was no praise from Jesper. Praise is the evaluation of a performance. For him, a person is good just as they are. It took a while for me to feel safe - even without his praise.

Once we travelled to a lecture in Valais. Jesper regularly fell asleep in the car. Every now and then I had to stop for a smoke. On the journey, he told me about an inflammation on his foot and how he should soak it in salt water and anoint it every day. But he couldn't do that because he was always travelling. I stopped in Interlaken and bought a basin and salt in the supermarket. «So now you can do your foot baths in Switzerland too.» Jesper asked me to go back and ask for artichoke bottoms. In his country, they only sell artichoke hearts. What luck - the supermarket actually had artichoke hearts. I had to buy three tins. Later, when I visited Jesper in Croatia or Denmark, I always brought him artichoke bottoms.
After a seminar, I invited Jesper to our home. Our children were 5, 7 and 9 years old at the time. Things were correspondingly turbulent. Our daughter was crying because her soft toy had fallen onto the roof of the house. She wanted me to get the ladder out of the garage and fish it off the roof. But I didn't have time, I was busy cooking and wanted to be with Jesper. So I put our daughter off until later.
We adults were sitting at the table when our youngest suddenly appeared with the koala bear in her hand. She proudly told us how she had climbed onto the roof with her siblings via the skylight and fished her cuddly toy out of the roof box all by herself. I was paralysed with shock. Jesper just said: «Nothing happened.»

He rarely allowed himself a holiday

From the first time we met, I was amazed at how often Jesper Juul talked about integrity and how little his integrity meant to him. He worked a lot, travelled, smoked, loved food and drink. Only in the summer months did he allow himself a break at his home in Croatia, a large renovated farmhouse with many bedrooms. He himself lived in the stables, which he had very tastefully remodelled.

Jesper felt very much at home in Istria. The annual familylab meetings also took place there. All familylab countries (in 2009 there were 9, now there are 22) met to work at his home. Jesper organised sleeping accommodation for us and cooked octopus salad, the best I have ever eaten in my life. We drank wine and talked long into the night.

In 2012, Jesper fell ill with an infection that paralysed him down his chest. He was also plagued by unpredictable, hellish pain. I was very saddened that he had to spend his last years in pain and suffering. Jesper did so much to promote respectful interaction within the family and in society and was ultimately dependent on carers and other helpers due to his illness. He lacked social contacts and the energy to work.

The last time I met Jesper was a year ago in April on his 70th birthday. He had organised a small party at home. Despite being in a lot of pain, he attended. When I visited him in July, Jesper was too weak to see me. He was in hospital, suffering from the effects of severe pneumonia.

On 25 July, Jesper passed away peacefully at home in his flat in Odder near Aarhus at the age of 71.
I am eternally grateful to Jesper for his ideas, his inspiration and his books. And that I was able to get to know him. To ensure that his relationship and parenting principles are not forgotten, we founded the familylab Association in 2015 with his consent. It will continue Jesper Juul's valuable work with great care.

More about Jesper Juul:

• It was one of his last major interviews: Jesper Juul spoke to us in December 2017 about his childhood and parenting experts
  
• Sometimes thought-provoking, sometimes provocative, often wise: Jesper Juul's best quotes