How does your child react to praise?
What would it be like for you if someone praised you for your warmth, your professional competence, your intelligence, your creativity, your beauty, your tastefully decorated home or your cooking skills?
When others tell us what they appreciate about us, it increases our self-awareness. We are suddenly in the «spotlight» and are forced to look at ourselves. A lightning-fast evaluation process begins in our head:
- Stimmt das?
- Habe ich das «verdient»?
- Warum sieht diese Person mich so?
- Welche Absicht verfolgt mein Gegenüber?
- In einer Gruppe: Was passiert mit den anderen, wenn sie das hören?
- Wie soll ich reagieren?
If praise triggers shame, anger, indifference or even defence, this usually has to do with one or more of these aspects.
«Oops, they're all staring at me!»
Shy or introverted people quickly become stressed when they are briefly the centre of attention. Does this situation also make you uncomfortable? Then it can be helpful if you realise that the other person has probably had to pluck up their courage and is a little nervous - and that you can hardly go wrong with a simple «thank you» and a small smile. The following thought also has a relieving effect: «I can show that I am touched by this feedback.»
Teachers often tell me that individual pupils react to praise and compliments with shame. Sometimes this is due to a fear of envy. If the teacher reads out an exemplary essay in class or has someone perform in PE, some young people are rightly afraid of being ridiculed as a nerd or «teacher's pet». So they show no emotion whatsoever in order to offer others as little surface to attack as possible.
In such cases, a kind word often has more impact if it is said casually, the feedback is given in private or in the form of a small note that you can enjoy in peace.
It is not uncommon for compliments to be accompanied by expectations that put us under pressure. This can trigger anger or fuel fears.
There are compliments that we hear again and again. If they match our self-concept, we can respond to them confidently. Sometimes we are almost annoyed when those around us don't notice anything different about us and we are always reduced to the same aspect.
More intense feelings trigger compliments that are new. These often sound so unfamiliar to our ears that we have to ask again whether we have understood them correctly.
After the initial, irritated «What? Really?», it is often precisely these statements that make us the happiest.
«She overestimates me!»
But they can also lead to insecurity and defence: «Am I really like that? That's not true at all! She overestimates me!» In such cases, we dismiss our contribution as a matter of course or point out that others «can do it much better».
That's a shame because we don't just belittle ourselves, but sometimes we also offend people who want to give us a treat.
Some young people react thin-skinnedly to both positive and negative feedback because they have the feeling that they are constantly under observation.
We can accept such compliments better if we realise this: Other people may perceive different aspects of me than I do myself. This is easier if we let go of the idea that other people only «really know» us if they see us in exactly the same way as we see ourselves.
If we are irritated by feedback, we can ask: «What makes you think that?» and get involved in an exciting conversation. Sometimes we also have to recognise that there will always be people who project something into us that we can't identify with - and that it's pointless to fight it.
«What does she want from me?»
Sometimes we find it difficult to accept compliments because we sense that the other person is not really interested in us as a person but is pursuing their own agenda. For example, anyone who hears that they are «always so helpful» and is asked in the next sentence whether they could «help out with XY» quickly feels manipulated and annoyed.
It is not uncommonfor compliments to be accompanied byexpectations that put us under pressure. Statements such as «You're already a big girl» or «He's such a good student» establish a standard that the other person has to live up to in future. This can trigger anger, encourage aggression or fuel fears.
Parents tell me time and again that their young people react thin-skinned to feedback - whether positive or negative. Sometimes this is due to the feeling of being constantly under observation, of constantly proving themselves and never really being able to let go: at school, in sport, in music and in the clique in terms of coolness, appearance and popularity.
Young people seem so tired of being constantly measured for their personality and performance that even compliments are suddenly met with a «Someone always wants something from me and has to add their two cents! Can you all just leave me alone for once?».
It's healthy if we recognise these feelings and are open to the message behind them. They protect us from violating our integrity and prevent us from orientating our thoughts, feelings and actions too strongly towards others.
«And how do I praise correctly?»
Perhaps this question crossed your mind as you were reading and you now wish you had a classic recipe such as «Praise authentically! Praise directly! Praise your child's (working) behaviour instead of their talent, intelligence or results!».
With this article, I would rather encourage you to get closer to your children, pupils or friends and partners, to get to know them better. Perhaps by asking questions like: What are the three nicest compliments you have ever received? What feedback makes you happy? Why? When do you feel uncomfortable? Which sentences annoy you? And what do you rarely notice about yourself?
About the author:
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist and author («Geborgen, mutig, frei - wie Kinder zu innerer Stärke finden», «Erfolgreich lernen mit ADHS», «Clever lernen»).
Together with Fabian Grolimund, she runs the Akademie für Lerncoaching, a counselling and further education institute based in Zurich:
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch,
www.biber-blog.com.
Stefanie Rietzler lives with her husband in Zurich.
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Stefanie Rietzler writes this column for ElternMagazin Fritz+Fränzi, alternating with her colleague Fabian Grolimund. If you don't want to miss a column, get a subscription!
Read more from Stefanie Rietzler:
- «You go out now until you've calmed down»: Stefanie Rietzler shows alternatives to taking time out.
- This is how important childhood friendships are: The dossier on friendship by Stefanie Rietzler and Fabian Grolimund.
- A good school: what is it? In this dossier, Stefanie Rietzler and Fabian Grolimund have thought about how schools can succeed.