How does enlightenment work today?

What does an 11-year-old know about sex today? And what does a 15-year-old know? What experiences have they had themselves? Never before has a generation been considered as enlightened as this one - thanks to advancing digitalisation and the constant availability of all information. But are today's young people really as enlightened as we think? Or are there huge gaps in their knowledge despite the internet?
Even if it sometimes seems to us adults that young people get all their information from the internet, parents are still important when it comes to educating them. Perhaps even more important than ever before. Why is that? What influence do they have on their children's sexuality? Should fathers educate sons and mothers daughters - or the other way round? And how do you do this in times when communication takes place via social media and boys and girls can access pornographic content more easily than a can of panaché?
The fact is that sex education today is very individualised and usually takes place through several instances. In a recent survey by «Lust und Frust», the Zurich specialist centre for sex education, for example, 62% of girls and 52% of boys stated that they had been educated by their parents. The situation is similar for our neighbours. In a study conducted by the German Federal Centre for Health Education in 2015, 59 per cent of girls said they had received sex education from their parents - mostly from their mother - compared to just 34 per cent of boys. In both surveys, between 50 and 60 per cent cite the internet as an important source of information. And while a good 80 per cent of teenagers in Switzerland state that they were educated at school, among other places, the figure in the German study is only around 40 per cent. Other roles in the «sex education puzzle» are played by peers, siblings, books, magazines and doctors.

A third of 13-year-olds have seen pornography on the internet

This is absolutely right and important, says Lukas Geiser, lecturer in sex education at the Zurich University of Teacher Education. «As children get older, they should definitely have other sources of information than their parents.» But - and experts agree on this - sex education should start at home. And not just at puberty, but from an early age. «Because before young people today have sex for the first time, they are confronted with this topic in the media much earlier. It used to be the other way round. They had no information and had to find out everything for themselves somehow,» says Geiser.
Let's remember: in our youth, pornography was something we knew from the top shelves of newsagents, where - or so we thought - only scruffy old men helped themselves. Or from the teen pyjama party where you secretly watched «Popsicles» late at night with a slight sense of shame. Naked facts and straight talk about sex were mainly found in «Bravo».

A sex education talk at the start of sixth form - as experienced by today's generation of parents - is too late nowadays.

Since the commercialisation of the World Wide Web in the 1990s, all the content you can imagine has been available to everyone around the clock. Even sexual content. And when you realise that, according to a recent survey by the Schwyz University of Teacher Education, a third of all 13-year-olds have already had contact with sexual images on the internet, it is far too late to have a sex education talk when they enter secondary school - as was the case in many families of today's generation of parents.

Name all body parts with words, even for babies!

«That's why sex education should start at an early age. Some topics are repeated and are discussed in more detail as children get older. Other topics are added as children develop,» says sex educator and social worker Annelies Steiner from the Swiss Sexual Health Foundation. It's about the body - their own and that of others, about intimacy, friendship, love and boundaries. If children ask questions, parents should answer them honestly and in an age-appropriate way. This starts with babies and toddlers by naming all their body parts in words, including their genitals, and explaining their function.
When a 3-year-old talks about her vagina as a matter of course or a 6-year-old explains the act of procreation soberly and matter-of-factly at dinner, this may sound strange to a generation of parents who have experienced sex education differently. And if the 3-year-old sits down curiously when the father reads the sex education book to the 6-year-old, it may cause them to falter.

However, Steiner believes that there is no need to worry about upsetting children if you talk to them about sexual topics too early. «Children are interested in relationships and sexuality from an early age. They ask questions and take on board what they can categorise from the answers. So there is no such thing as sexualisation too early.» On the contrary: parents should even make sure that they are always one step ahead of their children's development when it comes to sex education. For example, the topic of menstruation needs to be addressed quite early if you want to prevent your daughter being surprised by it at the age of ten or eleven.

How do parents start a conversation with their teenager?

While children approach the topic with a natural curiosity and ask their parents blunt questions, teenagers are less and less likely to talk to their parents, while at the same time the topic of sexuality is becoming increasingly important in their lives. So how do parents start a conversation with their teenager? This is where the parent-child relationship that has developed over the years plays a decisive role. If parents are interested in their children's everyday lives, hobbies, friends and worries from an early age and cultivate a culture of open dialogue, both sides won't find it so difficult to talk about sex.
The role of parents in sex education has certainly changed over time. «Nowadays, young people need less help finding information and more help sorting it out,» explains Annamaria Colombo, co-author of the study «Sex, relationships ... And you? Sexuality and sexual transactions that affect young people in Switzerland». «It is important that adults take an interest in the real needs of children and not just what they themselves consider these needs to be. This is the only way they can offer children points of reference.» For example, if the mother of a 15-year-old were to talk to them seriously about their first love instead of simply giving them a pack of condoms, they would certainly benefit more from this in terms of their first sexual experiences.

«Talking to people you trust before your first experience is a better choice than freely exploring the internet.»

It is very important for children to have knowledge about sexuality before they have their first experiences, says sex education lecturer Lukas Geiser. «For example, they can better express themselves regarding sexual boundary violations or make more conscious decisions about their own sex life.» However, talking to people they trust is a better choice than freely exploring the internet. «They know the children and can usually judge what information is appropriate and useful for the child. The child can also ask questions,» says Geiser.
In addition, sexuality-related content on the internet is produced from the perspective of adult sexuality. «Stereotypical role models and half-truths raise more questions than they provide useful answers.» This is confirmed by a recent study commissioned by the Swiss National Science Foundation. It says that young adults who cited their parents' home or school as their main source of information on sexuality are the least likely to be affected by sexually transmitted infections later on. Those who mainly obtained information on the internet and/or from friends exhibited riskier sexual behaviour and also had more negative experiences.
There is something else parents should know: Adolescent sexuality is not the same as adult sexuality. «Teenagers are in the discovery phase,» says Annamaria Colombo. «Everything they learn and experience now about intimacy and sexuality contributes to their later adult identity. Sex shouldn't just be viewed in isolation, but interacts with other areas of life.»

Communicate sexuality as something beautiful instead of something dangerous

This makes it all the more important to convey sexuality as something beautiful and natural and not just talk about the dangers, says Colombo. «Otherwise, young people have the feeling that adults perceive their sexuality as something evil and dangerous.» And: we need to question our own stereotypical prejudices. Annamaria Colombo: «We expect girls to take responsibility for their sexual behaviour and to live out and experience their sexuality primarily in relationships, while at the same time we encourage them to experiment. That's a contradiction. We are more likely to allow boys to just go for it.»
It is therefore not surprising that in a survey conducted by the «Lust und Frust» specialist centre in the canton of Zurich, 84% of 15-year-old boys said they had seen porn, compared to just 36% of girls. And while 59 per cent of boys say that watching such images makes them want to have sex, the figure for girls is 14 per cent.
«New studies show that such images have the same neurological effect on men and women,» says Lukas Geiser. «However, how these neuronal stimuli are dealt with is very different. For example, female lust has been taboo for decades. If we mainly talk to girls - and boys too - about diseases, contraception and biology as part of sex education, we are not necessarily contributing to a self-determined and respectful approach to sexuality. We need more than that.» First and foremost, the message that sexual feelings are something natural and, above all, something beautiful.

Incidentally, this can also be taught to younger children. This includes not making it taboo. «Even small children stimulate themselves. This is how they discover their own body and which touches trigger pleasant feelings,» explains Annelies Steiner from «Sexual Health Switzerland». «You can tell your child that it's nice to touch their own body, but that they should do it in their own room, where they can be by themselves.»

Young people often find sex education lessons at schools too technical

The fact that more emphasis should be placed on the positive aspects of sexuality applies in particular to sex education in schools. In a 2015 survey on youth sexuality, the majority of boys and girls stated that they found sex education lessons to be very technical. The topics: Sex organs, contraception, sexually transmitted diseases. The «experience reports» on the website of the «Sexual Health Switzerland» youth network sound the same note. «My teacher didn't even dare mention the clitoris while explaining the genitals to us in detail on a slide,» you can read there, for example. Or: «Sex education equals sex leads to sexually transmitted diseases. That's it.»
This is now set to change with Curriculum 21. However, sex education at school is not only important for closing gaps in knowledge, but also for discussing topics with peers. «Young people are more likely to accept a lot of things from each other than from adults, for example their parents or teachers,» says secondary school teacher Gaby Bär, who has been teaching sex education for over ten years. Even children from the most open homes have things they prefer to discuss with friends.

In addition, young people today move in (digital) worlds that are often unfamiliar to adults and trigger fears and a defensive attitude in them. Instead of demonising digital reality, we should take a closer look, says psychologist Julia von Weiler in an interview with the Süddeutsche Zeitung. She condemns the bigotry of our oversexualised society: «We allow sexualised content everywhere, but at the same time condemn the consumption of pornography. If it fulfils its purpose, namely to arouse, young people feel uncomfortable. So they keep quiet about it. That says more about us adults than it does about young people.»

Understanding sexting as a sexual act

Of course, the risks of «digital childhood and youth» should not be denied, says Annamaria Colombo. «But we have to make sure that we draw the right conclusions and pass them on.» For example, it is not the production of nude images - and therefore nudity itself - that is necessarily a problem, but the possible consequences of sending the images on.
Julia von Weiler also takes a critical view of the way we deal with sexting (the sending of sexy self-portraits): «Everyone is concerned with the victim, who is somehow also held guilty. But it's the distributors who are the problem.» Her tip: Instead of telling children how dangerous nude pictures are, they should be told that they are just as much a sexual act as, for example, snogging. «So you have to think about it: Do I want to do this? Will I be embarrassed later? And: Is the person I'm sending them to trustworthy enough not to do anything stupid with them?»

Today's generation is not having sex earlier than their parents.

Incidentally, the generation that gets sex education - at least in part - online does not have sex any earlier than their parents' generation. The average age of first sex in Switzerland is still just under 17. What's more, almost a third of 15-year-old boys have never had physical contact with the opposite sex. Remember: 84 per cent have already seen porn at this age. Annamaria Colombo doesn't think this is as big a discrepancy as it might seem: «The consumption and exchange of digital content can enable young people to mature sexually in an environment that they themselves perceive as intimate. Without feeling watched by their parents. That's important.» It is crucial that children are embedded in an environment that gives them the resources to categorise things so that they can distinguish between reality and staging, for example.

So what does today's 11-year-old girl know about sex? And what does the 15-year-old boy know? From a purely technical point of view, probably quite a lot. However, how she and he deal with this knowledge depends heavily on their relationship with their parents. If this is characterised by mutual trust, children are more likely to be able to separate sexual content on the internet from their own person. Educational talks are also more likely to be effective. Even if they are occasionally parental monologues. «That doesn't matter,» says sex educator Lukas Geiser. Even if young people block it out, it doesn't mean that they don't hear what's being said. Parents' willingness to talk is key. Even if they don't always know everything.

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More about sex and sex education for children and adolescents:

• When and how do I talk to my child about sex?Should I wait until they ask or should I start the conversation myself? Specific tips for all ages.

• Five questions about love and sexuality The first menstruation - or what do parents do when their daughter's boyfriend stays over for the first time? Questions and answers about love and sexuality from our big 100-question dossier.

• Mrs Schwager, how do you protect children from sexual abuse?
  The psychotherapist and co-director of the Castagna counselling centre talks about the alarmingly high number of victims, trauma-related disorders and the question of what parents can do to protect their children from sexual abuse.

• This text is part of the Enlightenment dossier. Read all articles on the topic here.