How do you talk to children about the war?

Mrs Müller, our children wanted to know at lunch today «who are we for, Ukraine or Russia?» It sounded like a football match. What would you have said if you were me? (My children are almost 6 and 8 years old)

My spontaneous answer would probably have been: For the population. And for the weaker ones. Perhaps I would have asked them if they thought that anyone could really win in a war. And if they had wanted to know more, I would have used that as an opportunity to tell them something about our world order.

How do you talk to children or young people about the war in general?

The same principle applies here as with other difficult topics, such as sex education: as much as the children want, in a language appropriate to their age and with the desired amount of information.

It is important to listen to what children are interested in.

This means that parents take up the topic if the children bring it up of their own accord, but they do not force it on them. Perhaps they can ask whether the war in Ukraine is an issue at school or with older children among their peers. It is important to find out what is on their minds. Such conversations can also be a way of passing on our values to our children and taking a stand. In the family, we are not obliged to remain neutral.

How much misery can they be expected to endure?

The answer depends on the child. Some children need information to feel safe, some need reassurance and distraction. Caution is advised with images. However, we must be aware that children are also exposed to these through their own or other people's mobile phones, or through free newspapers. Images have a stronger effect than words. The unvarnished truth, which we already know from other wars, does not have to be passed on to children 1:1. Less is certainly more here.

Is it worth resorting to media support such as children's news on television?

This can be a good addition to the conversation and is definitely more recommendable than the news programme for adults. This is not made for children's eyes. The official recommendation is to make the Tagesschau accessible to children from the age of twelve. Again, this is a guideline, children are different in life and how they process things. Parents are best placed to judge their children individually. Children's news can also be an exciting source of information for parents and provide them with ideas for age-appropriate communication. It is important that parents are present or nearby when children consume such content. Children should not be left alone with this, as there is often a need for further discussion.

Your son is quite a bit older than my children. What questions did he have for you or how do you discuss the war with him?

When I asked him how he dealt with it, he said that he preferred not to dwell on it too much, otherwise it would weigh him down. That's also a good strategy. Sometimes I also need a break from this crazy world.

Can you protect your children by completely ignoring such news and not discussing the war in Ukraine at all?

I don't think you can do that. Children don't grow up in a bubble that only consists of the dinner table at home. What's more, the war also concerns us parents and children sense this. You can protect them by discussing your own fears with adults and not letting them become a constant topic of conversation in front of your children. Especially if you are very insecure yourself, it can help to consciously focus your attention on positive everyday topics or political events.

Should parents wait until children come up with specific questions on a particular topic or can they also address sensitive issues themselves?

With a topic as dominant as the war in Ukraine, it can help to ask questions to be sure that the children are not bottleing up something that they cannot put into words. If parents feel that it is not bothering the children, it is not necessary to force a conversation.

The current conflict is close to us, many families are directly affected by relatives. What advice would you give such children and young people? What if your teenage son's best friend suddenly takes sides and engages in war propaganda?

When families are so directly affected, we are left to sympathise and ask how things are going. It doesn't help to gloss over the situation. At the same time, we can still lead a good, peaceful life here.

Children and young people can learn early on that friendships do not have to break down because of different attitudes.

Interest and a desire to understand help with behaviour that seems extreme at first glance. We can consider with our teenage son what his friend's motives might be and encourage him to ask questions. In this way, children and young people can learn early on that friendships don't have to break down because of different attitudes.

War usually means death, destruction and endless human suffering. This is likely to have a very negative psychological impact on many children and young people. How can parents ensure safety at an early age and discuss fears in an age-appropriate way? Do you have specific approaches for different age groups?

In counselling, we focus on what the counsellors themselves can change and encourage them to work on it. They can try to accept what they cannot change and find a way of dealing with it. This basic attitude also applies to discussions on the subject of war.

It is important to understand what specific fears there are.

It is important to understand what specific fears there are. Is a child afraid that the war will come to us? Then you can show how many kilometres there are between us and Ukraine on a map, for example. If a young person is suffering from the suffering of people far away, they deserve recognition for their empathy. It can also be helpful to give them permission to be well here in Switzerland. And perhaps there are campaigns where you can donate something, or there is the opportunity to demonstrate against the war. These can be actions that lead out of powerlessness. The older the children are, the easier it is for us to talk about our own fears and show how we deal with them.

When is the right time for parents to seek professional help? What other points of contact are there besides the parents' helpline?

If children are restricted in their everyday lives by their fears because they can no longer sleep for several nights, for example. Or they no longer dare to leave home because they are afraid for their family, then professional help is needed. We recommend the local parenting and youth counselling centres. School social work can also be a point of contact for school children. For telephone counselling for older children and adolescents, we recommend #147 of Pro Juventute. And if the restrictions are severe and persist over a longer period of time, psychological help may be useful. It takes time and patience to find someone who has the capacity.

My daughter later wanted to know whether Putin would now switch off our heating. Is «I don't know» a valid answer? When and how can parents say that they themselves are at a loss without unsettling the child too much?

I would add as much confidence as possible to the «I don't know» in the sense of «..., but it's not very likely». I don't recommend lying, because children remember that and we become untrustworthy. But if we manage to find a constructive way of dealing with our own fears, we can pass this on to our children.