How do you argue properly?
What is a conflict and how does it arise?
A conflict is a «difficult situation resulting from the clash of different interests, demands and opinions.» This is how the dictionary describes the word «conflict». But how does a conflict arise from an everyday difference of opinion? «By realising that the needs and goals of another person stand in the way of your own goals or needs,» says family researcher Dominik Schöbi, Director of the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Fribourg.
In other words, if the mother perceives the mess in her daughter's room as a «puff» while she feels completely comfortable there, they do not yet have a conflict by definition. This only arises when the mother orders the daughter to tidy up immediately, but she wants to continue chatting on her mobile phone. The daughter therefore realises that her mother's need for immediate tidying up gets in the way of her own need (chatting).
Why do conflicts escalate?
Once the conflict situation has arisen, it is usually no longer just about its trigger - the «poof» in the room - but increasingly about a whole range of feelings, from insecurity to anger to uncontrollable rage: «Our mental abilities are significantly restricted when we are under pressure, tension and stress, as is the case in a conflict,» says conflict researcher Friedrich Glasl.
"Our ability to perceive, our ability to think, our handling of emotions and also our awareness of what drives us become one-sided. This leads to increasingly simple-minded behaviour patterns on both sides. We fall back into old patterns that no longer fit our current stage of development." The mother reacts to her daughter's refusal to tidy up by getting loud because she knows this from her own parental home. The daughter then bursts into tears, as she did as a toddler.
What do families argue about?
In fact, according to a recent study by the Austrian Institute for Family Research, clutter is the number one topic when it comes to discussions between parents and their children. Almost a quarter of all mums and dads regularly get into a rage when it comes to the mess in the house. Media consumption comes in second place: almost 20 per cent of households argue about it.
Media is also a big issue in author Stephanie Schneider's home. She has put her own experiences into a book: «The little argument counsellor». Writing it took courage, says the mother of two teenage daughters. «People don't like to talk about arguments.» And certainly not about the fact that you are sometimes helpless as a parent.
Especially when it comes to media consumption, a certain helplessness can hardly be avoided, says Schneider. «There are almost no fixed values and guidelines when it comes to new media and children or young people. What's more, children are usually far superior to us when it comes to dealing with the virtual world.» And last but not least, parents themselves are often not particularly good role models. «Why should parents set rules for their children that they don't follow themselves?»
According to the Austrian study, men get upset about different things than women. While fathers like to argue with their children about obedience and leisure activities, this is hardly a reason for conflict for women. Mothers argue about keeping to bedtimes - not a problem for any of the fathers - or about helping around the house (which annoys just 0.3 per cent of men). You can find a detailed list of the most frequent points of contention at the end of this article.
When is it worth arguing?
«Smaller, less important conflicts are often resolved by one side giving in,» says family researcher Dominik Schöbi. «More fundamental disputes require more. Above all, insight: seeing and accepting the other person's point of view - without having to share it. If the other person sees that their own point of view is also recognised, it is easier to make concessions.»
According to Schöbi,a prolonged or recurring conflict often indicates that the parties involved have not sufficiently engaged with the other person's point of view and needs. However, this would be necessary in order to achieve a willingness to compromise or an amicable solution, but also to reassess the situation so that someone is prepared to give in.
How dangerous are threats and swearing?
If someone reacts quickly with strong negative feelings such as anger, tries to get the conflict partner to give in through sanctions, violence or very negative behaviour, or refuses to interact and talk, this is impossible, says Schöbi. If the mother signals understanding for the daughter's needs, but also draws attention to her own, the daughter is more willing to compromise than if the mother confronts her with accusations and threats.
«Submitting to the dictates of someone who doesn't even make an effort to understand you can be psychologically very threatening. Especially in a developmental phase in which your own individuality is central,» says Dominik Schöbi.
Such an experience can be destructive and damaging to your self-esteem - and put a lasting strain on your relationship with your parents.
Adolescence in particular, when children break away from their parents, is such a phase. «If too little space and flexibility is given to these processes, extreme behaviour can sometimes occur,» says family researcher Schöbi. «Parents must be able to switch from making decisions for their children to guiding and supporting them in their decision-making.»
Why is appreciation so important?
Feeling valued is an important need for children, says Dominik Schöbi. And this is at stake in conflicts. This makes it all the more important not to let discussions between parents and children get out of hand.
Britta Went from the parent helpline is often confronted with exactly this kind of situation. «When bad words and threats are spoken, a conflict turns into something destructive,» says Went. «The child is assumed to have bad intentions. This is devastating, because parents fulfil the role of a caring and reliable partner for their children.» If they no longer fulfil this role, the child's whole world is shaken.
How do you resolve conflicts?
There is no universal method for resolving conflicts between parents and children. However, there is a model that can be used in everyday life and is very promising. It was developed by the American psychologist Thomas Gordon (1918-2002).
Probably the best-known book by this multi-award-winning psychologist is entitled «The Family Conference». Gordon developed specific training courses for parents and carers, which are now offered worldwide. «The model is very simple and therefore successful,» says Priska Wenk from the Gordon Training Switzerland association. «First we have to evaluate who has a problem in the first place. We often turn the child's problem into our own.»
In this case, says Wenk, you have to help the child to find a solution themselves. «If, on the other hand, I actually have a problem, it's about how I tell the other person that I don't agree with their behaviour without disrupting our relationship.»
How do you communicate with «I» messages?
The Gordon model relies primarily on so-called «I» messages. According to Wenk, this also prevents someone from simply running away when there is a dispute. «You often don't run away from the conflict, but from how you are confronted with it.» If you say how you feel in a situation instead of blaming the other person, they don't automatically adopt a defensive stance.
Priska Wenk gives an example from her own family: her six-year-old daughter appears at the breakfast table in a T-shirt covered in dirt. «Who has the problem here?» asks Wenk. «Not her, she would be walking around in a dirty shirt for weeks. I have the problem - and I have to communicate that.»
Priska Wenk's message to her daughter: «I'm afraid you'll be laughed at if you go to nursery in this T-shirt.» An «I» message and a reminder of the consequences. Five minutes later, the girl is standing there in a clean T-shirt. «If I had simply told her to wear something else, there would have been endless discussions,» Priska Wenk is convinced.
How do you listen properly?
A second important pillar of the Gordon model is listening. «It's amazing what you can achieve if you just really listen to the child,» says Wenk. The family conference provides a suitable framework for this. Everyone has their say, consequences are pointed out and agreements are made instead of orders being given. «The aim of such a conference and also the aim of our courses is not to argue less, but to approach conflicts differently. And above all, not to let them ferment until they explode,» explains Priska Wenk.
Three tips from Stephanie Schneider, author of «The little dispute counsellor»
- Nicht gegen jemanden, sondern für etwas kämpfen
Es ist alles eine Einstellungssache: Wer Streit sucht, will eigentlich, dass man nett zu ihm ist. - Die Pausentaste drücken
Eine Streit-Tradition im Hause Schneider: Wenn jemand während einer Diskussion eine Auszeit verlangt, gehen alle Beteiligten fünf Minuten in einen eigenen Raum. Danach trifft man sich wieder und macht weiter. Meistens ruhiger als vorher. - Versöhnung feiern
Ein schönes Ritual, das Streit und Konfliktlösungen aufwertet. So merkt man: «Unsere Beziehung hält das aus.»
These are the topics parents and children argue about most often...
Mothers
Tidiness and cleanliness: 19 %
Excessive media consumption: 13.3 %
Politeness, behaviour: 8.7 %
Financial, material demands: 6.5 %
School and learning: 6.1 %
Appropriate clothing / make-up: 5.5 %
Keeping to bedtimes: 4.8 %
Helping around the house: 4.7
Feeding behaviour: 4.3 %
Conflicts between siblings: 4.2 %
Loafing: 1.9 %
Leisure activities: 1 %
Obedience, adherence to rules: 0.1 %
Fathers
Obedience, adherence to rules: 10.9 %
Too much media consumption: 10.1
Leisure activities: 9 %
Politeness, behaviour: 4.8 %
Order and cleanliness: 4.2
School and learning: 4.1
Eating behaviour: 3.6
Conflicts between siblings: 3.2 %
Loafing: 2.5 %
Appropriate clothing / make-up: 0.9 %
Financial, material demands: 0.7 %
Help in the household: 0.3 %
Keeping to bedtimes: 0 %
Source: Survey by the Austrian Institute for Family Research
The whole dossier...
This is an abridged text from our March dossier on disputes and conflicts in families. Learn more about conflict resolution and hear from other families about how they deal with their conflicts. Order the magazine here.
Also from the dossier:
Jesper Juul on what happens when you try to prevent arguments.