How do we help children in a situation of upheaval?

Doron is 8 years old when he experiences his parents' divorce. When Michael's mother goes back to work for the first time since his birth, he is 3 years old. Azrah is 12 when her father loses his job, and Marie is 10 when her mother remarries and the patchwork family moves to a new town.

Family dynamics are in a constant state of flux.

Every family has its own dynamic, i.e. its own way in which the individual family members interact or relate to each other. As people and the circumstances in which family members live together are constantly changing, family dynamics never remain exactly the same. The interactions between family members lead to different behaviours, and these change over time.

Family structures are complex

However, a number of demographic and social changes have led to more complex and diverse family structures in recent decades. While only 15 per cent of all marriages were divorced in 1970, for example, the divorce rate had risen to over 40 per cent by the end of the 1990s, and at times to as much as 50 per cent. Couples who have children have a higher risk of separation than childless couples. For this reason, children have a high probability of experiencing separation and growing up with a single parent.
In addition, many other life events can jeopardise the stability of a family, such as a serious chronic illness of a parent or sibling, the sudden death of a loved one or the loss of a job that has a negative impact on the family's financial situation.
Another key social change in recent decades is that more mothers are in employment today than in the past. Whereas in 1980 only around a third of all married mothers with children under 18 were employed - the majority of them single parents - by 2014, a good 75 per cent of mothers with young children and 84 per cent of mothers with school-age children were already working, according to the 2017 Federal Family Report.

The family dynamic is changing

Studies suggest that there are links between changes in family dynamics and children's wellbeing. But do such changes primarily have short-term effects or do they also have more lasting consequences, such as psychological problems in adulthood? And how do changes in family structure affect children's well-being?

Changes within the family affect all members.

Researchers studying the balance within a family and the interactions between its members have noted that changes within the family affect the existing roles and functioning of all members. Such times of transition can be chaotic and stressful, affecting the well-being of children and parents. A family system is alive, trying to maintain its organisation and stability while being flexible enough to adapt to challenging situations.

Anxiety and depression as a result?

It is also important to recognise that there are interdependencies between the members. This is one of the reasons why such a system can be complex. If changes to the family form or the role of individual family members are added, this further increases the complexity of the family.
Some foreign studies have shown that children can be affected by a change in family dynamics in various ways, for example by showing less social and psychological maturity. Research has also shown that anxiety and depression can be the result of a stressful event.
Children of divorced parents or children living in poverty may have lower self-esteem and fewer social relationships. In addition, the child may lose a sense of emotional security. After a death or serious illness in the family, children can feel insecure and develop a fear of further changes.

Children of divorced parents tend to have lower language stimulation and therefore lower grades.

The loss of a job also increases the risk that the child will lose their friends, school environment and other support systems when they subsequently move. At times, such children exhibit lower academic performance. Children of divorced parents tend to have lower language stimulation and therefore lower grades.

It should also be borne in mind that the more changes take place within the family structure, the more difficult it is for the child to adapt. Changes such as a separation of the parents often lead to a subsequent move out of the parental home or the arrival of a new partner, remarriage or later to further separations of the parents from new partners. In combination with additional stressful circumstances, such as poverty in the family, this can lead to short-term crises.
Sometimes a child's development is also affected more permanently. One reason for this can be that the stress and excessive demands of the changes lead to a reduced sense of security and self-confidence in the child. This can affect the child's overall emotional development.

Low self-esteem as the cause?

Studies have shown that children who experience many family changes and stressful events are more likely to have emotional difficulties and behavioural problems as well as mental disorders or alcohol dependency in adulthood.
One possible explanation for this could be that these events affect the parents at the same time and are also very challenging for them, whichcan lead to parents being overwhelmed and thus to impaired parenting.
Divorced mothers often describe themselves as less loving and communicative as well as more punitive - overall, they also report lower self-esteem.
However, almost all negative consequences can be mitigated or even prevented if the parents manage to deal constructively with the new situation and help their children to adapt.

What parents can do

So what can parents do to maintain family balance and protect children's mental health? An initial change in family life often triggers further changes, including those in the family structure. Parents and children are increasingly challenged to develop the necessary skills to cope with these changes and transitions. It seems important that each family member in their own right and all relationships between them are given sufficient attention.
Parents, partners and children not only have to find new ways of living together, but also define their identity in a new environment.

Some difficulties have deep roots.

Parental behaviour before and after the triggering stress factor, the age and gender of the children and the living circumstances, for example after a separation, are just some of the factors that play a role in the effects of the changes. And thus for the well-being of the children. However, some of the difficulties that arise after a structural change in the family also have deeper roots that have already formed many years before.
Even if family structures have become more complex today, intimacy and affection in family relationships, regardless of the form of cohabitation, remain the most important factors for the well-being of a family - and therefore for the well-being of their child.

About the author

How to help your child in situations of upheaval

1. be emotionally close to the child

Human emotions are the most important source of information about our mental state. A person can consciously control their thoughts, but they cannot control their feelings in the same way. Feelings are a part of ourselves and must therefore be taken seriously. The same applies to children's feelings. In this sense, being emotionally with the child means taking an interest in the child's feelings. Let your child live and express existing feelings, for example through conversations, but also through colouring, playing and so on.

2. accept the feelings

Sometimes parents find it difficult to face the fact that their child is angry, anxious or deeply sad. However, in this case it is better to accept these feelings and not ignore them. Every child is unique in dealing with change and complexity in the family. Parents should be patient, give the child the time they need and stand by them.

3. be open

Parents should also tell their children how they feel. Although people are sometimes afraid of negative feelings, they are very important and necessary for coping with difficulties. Show this to your children.

4. get support

If you're feeling exhausted and struggling to cope with everyday activities and demands, then it's probably time to ask for help. Don't be afraid to get support. It's understandable if you, as a parent, sometimes find it difficult to cope with high levels of stress and constant change. Many studies have shown that the social network (e.g. friends, family) and the support associated with it help to successfully cope with stressful life events.

5. explain the new situation

Changes that affect a family's everyday activities and habits can affect a child's inner balance. Children are sometimes afraid and insecure if they do not know what impact a change will have on their lives. It is therefore important toexplain to the children what the new situation will look like and to discuss with them the most important possible changes for the near future. This gives the child a sense of control and security.

6. have confidence in the child

Every child must have their own way of dealing with these changes.

7. role clarification

What is the role of the parents? What is the child's role? A clear clarification of roles contributes to the child's safety.

Read more:

This article is part 4 of our ongoing series WAS KINDER KRANK MACHT from the magazine 08/18. Don't miss any more parts of the series by subscribing to our magazine.

• Teil 1: Was setzt Kinder unter Druck?
• Teil 2: Was stresst unsere Kinder und wie helfen wir ihnen?
• Teil 3: Wie sollen wir auf Ängste und Bedürfnisse unserer Kinder reagieren?