How do we help children deal with rejection?

How young people are perceived by their peers is of crucial importance for their mental health. If they suffer from rejection sensitivity, there is a high risk that perceived rejection will turn into real rejection - eating disorders or depression can be the result. How can those affected be helped?

Your loved one turns you down, your supposed best friend leaves you out in the cold
and now has a new closest confidante or you are not invited to a party - rejection can be extremely painful and emotionally distressing. US researchers have shown that brain regions associated with pain processing react to psychological pain such as rejection in a similar way to physical pain.
So rejection literally hurts. Moreover, we now know that the intensity of such feelings increases between the ages of 11 and 17, with adolescents reacting particularly strongly to rejection.
In the course of adolescent development, relationships with peers become more important and parents fade into the background as primary carers. This is because social relationships with peers form the basis of learning and experience for the development of an individual identity, for mature interpersonal relationships and for dealing well with conflicts.

Young people's self-esteem depends on how their peers judge them.

The major influence of peer relationships on these aspects of development is demonstrated by the fact that young people's self-esteem depends to a large extent on how they are rated by their peers. Acceptance by peers and belonging are central basic needs in adolescence and contribute significantly to the development of mental health.
How often and to what extent adolescents experience rejection also depends on how adolescents perceive rejection in ambiguous situations or how quickly they interpret possible neutral cues as rejection. While some young people do not attach any deeper meaning to the lack of «likes» for a photo on Instagram, others feel personally rejected and are deeply hurt. While some young people don't give it a second thought when they walk past whispering peers, others relate the whispering to themselves and feel rejected.

What are the consequences of rejection sensitivity?

This kind of hypersensitivity to social rejection is referred to as «rejection sensitivity». Affected adolescents generally expect not to be accepted in social situations. This expectation means that they perceive potential rejection signals more quickly and also judge ambiguous situations as rejection.
Associated negative and devaluing thoughts about themselves or others can trigger intense negative feelings such as sadness, hurt or anger, which can lead to inappropriate behaviour.
can lead to maladaptive behaviour.
Some adolescents withdraw and avoid contact with others, others go to excessive lengths to seek attention, and still others react aggressively to perceived rejection. These socially maladjusted reactions increase the likelihood of actually being rejected. This results in a vicious circle of perceived and real social rejection, which jeopardises the young person's need for acceptance and belonging in the long term.

Sensitivity to rejection can jeopardise health

Research into the causes of rejection sensitivity is still in its infancy. So far, family and environmental factors in particular have been investigated as possible contributory factors. Comprehensive explanatory models that include other psychobiological factors such as stress or temperament are not yet available. Explanatory models to date assume that sensitivity to rejection is primarily caused by early, repeated experiences of rejection by parents, other close caregivers or peers, as these experiences of rejection lead to an internalisation of the expectation of being rejected in social situations.

How does this develop into an eating disorder?

An increased sensitivity to rejection can jeopardise long-term integration into the peer group, as adolescents with a high sensitivity to rejection often display behaviour that is less socially acceptable because they withdraw or become irritable and aggressive. This means that social interaction difficulties and actual rejection by peers are pre-programmed. The need for acceptance and belonging cannot be satisfied - a need that contributes significantly to the development of a positive identity and mental health. This can lead to mood disorders and even depression. This is particularly the case if there are additional risk factors such as difficulties in dealing with feelings, severe self-esteem problems or a lack of positive relationships with attachment figures.
External appearance is particularly important for social acceptance by peers in adolescence. As adolescents are often insecure during puberty due to their changing bodies, adolescents with an increased sensitivity to rejection often fear being rejected by others due to their outward appearance. They not only have an increased risk of depressive mood, but also of disturbed eating behaviour.
This manifests itself in restrictive eating - i.e. limiting the amount and variety of food eaten - strong worries about weight and figure, revolving thoughts about food or weight-regulating measures such as vomiting or excessive exercise.
 The difficulties in interpersonal contact triggered by rejection sensitivity and the associated negative feelings can also contribute to the occurrence of binge eating - especially if there are general difficulties in dealing with feelings and problems with action control.

Show those affected that the event itself is not the cause of their feelings.

Young people who are prematurely rejected can be supported by showing them that it is often not the event itself that is the cause of their feelings and actions, but the judgement of the event and the associated thoughts and attitudes. For example, you can explain to those affected that a lack of «likes» for photos on Instagram does not necessarily mean that they are being deliberately ignored and disliked, but that they may simply not have been seen. Or that your whispering peers could be talking about an event that has nothing to do with you. Or that it is much easier to find out that others in the class have not received an invitation to the party.
It can be worth asking: Is my interpretation of events helpful? Could the situation be interpreted differently? What advice would I give to a friend who described the same situation to me? By discovering alternative explanations for an event together or by adopting a new perspective on the same situation, the narrowed perception and therefore the room for manoeuvre can be expanded.

«Expect the best and prepare for the worst»

Of course, there will always be situations in which young people are actually rejected. The rule is therefore «expect the best and prepare for the worst»: expect the best and prepare for the worst. Young people should be encouraged to think carefully about how much they want to invest in order to avoid rejection. And to learn that rejection is a normal part of development. Parents or caregivers who serve as a model for how to deal with negative experiences are particularly important here.
Parents, seek dialogue and take your child's feelings seriously - this will signal that you are there for your son or daughter. Research shows that having at least one positive relationship with a parent or other adult is an important protective factor against the possible consequences of rejection sensitivity and is more likely to protect against real rejection by peers.

Deal with the negative feelings together with the young person.

Try not to act too hastily - sometimes the first step is simply to share the negative feelings with the young person and endure them together. In a second step, you can then support the young person in looking for possible solutions and recognising possible courses of action.
And last but not least: strengthen your son or daughter's self-confidence by giving sincere, specific compliments and by enabling them to take part in activities in which they can develop their talents and abilities.

About the author

Felicitas Forrer ist Psychologin, Doktorandin sowie psychologische Psychotherapeutin in Weiterbildung am Zentrum für Psychotherapie an der Universität Freiburg und am Lehrstuhl für klinische Psychologie und Psychotherapie und befasst sich mit dem Zusammenhang zwischen Zurückweisungsempfindlichkeit und Essstörungen bei Jugendlichen.
Felicitas Forrer is a psychologist, doctoral candidate and psychological psychotherapist in training at the Centre for Psychotherapy at the University of Freiburg and at the Chair of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy and is working on the connection between rejection sensitivity and eating disorders in adolescents.

BEAT: Binge-Eating Adolescent Treatment - a treatment programme for adolescents with binge eating disorder

Call for participation:

The Department of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy at the University of Fribourg is currently evaluating the effectiveness of the BEAT psychotherapeutic treatment programme for adolescents (aged 14 to 19) with regular binge eating disorder. The treatment programme comprises three group workshops that take place in Bern as well as email-based self-help between the workshops. The treatment programme integrates new technologies such as videos for psychodeduction or email-based communication and is designed to support adolescents both in coping with binge eating and in training interpersonal skills related to rejection sensitivity. The entire programme is free of charge for the young people and travel costs are covered. Participants are still being sought for the BEAT treatment programme. Contact: beat@unifr.ch.

Read more:

This article is part 5 of our 6-part series WAS KINDER KRANK MACHT from the magazine 09/18. Don't miss any more parts of the series by subscribing to our magazine.

  • Teil 1: Was setzt Kinder unter Druck?
  • Teil 2: Was stresst unsere Kinder und wie helfen wir ihnen?
  • Teil 3: Wie sollen wir auf Ängste und Bedürfnisse unserer Kinder reagieren?
  • Teil 4: Wie helfen wir Kindern in einer Umbruchsituation?