How can my child become more independent?

It's Saturday morning, eight o'clock, my four-year-old is sneaking out of bed. I doze off for a while. Half an hour later, he stands in front of me happily: «Look, Daddy, I got dressed all by myself!» Indeed: he's even got the buttons of his jumper and his belt fastened! Then his expression changes from proud to worried: «But, Dad - do you know what's really, really difficult and what I won't be able to do for a long time yet? Sleeping alone.»

Professionals demand independence from children

In my work, I often come across parents who are worried because their child is not independent enough: they have difficulties with self-organised learning and don't do their homework on their own. I have also encountered the demand for more independence. Our paediatrician pointed out to us that our children should learn to fall asleep on their own and recommended the book «Every child can learn to sleep». As the anecdote at the beginning shows, we didn't follow his advice.

Independence cannot be forced

Independence is an important goal in our culture: as adults, our children should be able to find their way in a complex world, make their own decisions and shape their own lives.

«Independence develops through relationships, trust and sufficient opportunities for independent action.»

But independence does not develop overnight, not through coercion and not by leaving a child to its own devices. It develops in relationships, in mutual trust and through sufficient opportunities to do things independently. The pace is set by the child - not by some standardised idea.

Independence arises from relationships

Observational studies show: The more secure children feel in their relationship with their parents, the better they can detach themselves from them to explore their surroundings. If a child experiences that their parents are there when they need help, stand by them when they feel insecure and listen to them when they need to get something off their chest, they can try things out in peace and gain their own experiences. The trust that parents and other adults are available to provide protection, security and closeness forms the basis for the child's independence.

«Sit at the table with your child and go about your own business.»

Many children also need this closeness at school age. For example, they are better able to do their homework independently if they are not alone. Sit at the table with your child and do your own homework: Answer emails, pay bills - and signal to your child that you want to work undisturbed.

Independence comes from confidence

While the child needs trust in the parents in order to feel secure, the parents need to develop enough confidence in the child and in life to let go enough for the child to become independent. This trust cannot be expressed in a superficial «You can do it!». It is based on the feeling that the child will go its own way and is allowed to make mistakes and detours along the way. It consists of the curious question «Shall we see if you can do it?» and the unspoken assurance that experimentation and making mistakes are allowed and that failures can be dealt with.

«You can do it!"
"And if not?»

When someone says to us «You can do it!», we almost automatically ask ourselves: «And if not?» It's encouraging when the answer is: "Then we'll move on and try something else. And if everything doesn't work, then we can live with it."
If you have the feeling that your child can't accept your «You can do it!», you can pay attention to how you feel at that moment. Are you tense? Do you feel under pressure that your child should already be able to do something? Are you frustrated or angry because your child is not responding to your encouragement? Are you worried about your child? Your child will react more strongly to your feelings than to your words. In this situation, you can try something new. For example: «Yes, I don't know if you can do that either. It looks pretty difficult! Let's read the task and see what it's about.»

Independence comes from freedom

In addition to trust, children need opportunities and time to get to know each other and try things out. Children do this best in free play with other children. There, all children have to make suggestions, stand up for their ideas in the group and win others over. They have to make decisions, assert themselves from time to time or give in. They have to cope with disappointments and pick themselves up again.

«The Paediatricians Association of America is sounding the alarm.»

In America, children's free time has become so structured that the Paediatricians' Association felt compelled to sound the alarm. The experts pointed out that we are robbing our children of one of the most important aspects of childhood by depriving them of free play.
The German paediatrician Herbert Renz-Polster sees similar developments. He writes in his book «Menschenkinder»: "First we took the forests away from the children, then the meadows, the backyards, the fallow land, then the streets, alleys and gardens. Since the 1970s, the area that children are allowed to use for outdoor play has decreased by 90 per cent."

«Children learn a lot when there is no intention of teaching them anything.»

As parents, we can ask ourselves: Does my child have enough opportunity for free play? Does he or she have time and the opportunity to socialise with other children - without an adult always being there to make suggestions, pay attention and intervene?
Children learn a lot when there is no intention of teaching them something. When there is no well thought-out, well-structured, adult-led programme or training. It has become more difficult to provide this freedom. It is therefore worth making an active effort and looking for opportunities with our children.

Self-employment - three tips

• Signal to your child that you are there. Instead of doing homework alone in the room, you could invite your child to work together. Let your child know that you are there from time to time, even while they are playing - without imposing on them.

• Let your child clearly feel that you are happy when they try something on their own. Allow him/her to be proud and be relaxed about the result.

• Give your child enough freedom. Unobserved and unstructured play allows your child to try things out and discover new things.

To the author:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 37-year-old is married and father to a son, 4, and a daughter, 1. He lives with his family in Freiburg.
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch , www.biber-blog.com

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