How can I be a good role model?
Suddenly a ringtone sounds. In the middle of the play. Some idiot has forgotten to switch off his mobile phone. Stupid when the teenage daughter puts her hand on my arm and whispers just one word: «Dad!»
The idiot - that's me. Again.
The role model thing used to seem easier. The TV was only switched on when the children were in bed. And it was even simpler with video games: most parents didn't play any.
Since the arrival of the smartphone in our lives, it has become more difficult to be a good role model. Worse still, for the first time in the history of media, parents are asking their children to do something with their mobile phones that we ourselves are unable to do: resist.
When it comes to television, we have learnt not to switch it on in the morning, but only when we have time. But the TV doesn't switch itself on by itself either. Unlike the smartphone, which interrupts everything at all times with its ringing, buzzing and vibrating. Unfortunately, we've got used to that.
What is the price of independence?
Nothing has changed our media behaviour as massively as the mobile phone. There is no doubt that it is a wonderful device: with its many useful functions, it makes our private and professional lives more convenient.
We are always and everywhere «on» - that is a great freedom. And an equally great burden, because we can't relax in the evenings. Even more fatal: calls and messages turn the tram or the supermarket into a home office. And everyone is listening. You immediately notice it negatively with strangers, but not with yourself.
It's better to take your child to the playground for three quarters of an hour without a smartphone than three hours with one.
When parents push the pram with a smartphone in their hand or a phone call interrupts a board game or homework check, children learn early on to share their parents' attention with a device. This is why the American sociologist Sherry Turkle recommends taking children to the playground for three quarters of an hour without a smartphone rather than three hours with one.
Meanwhile, more and more nursery teachers are complaining that some fathers and mothers pick up their children from nursery on their phones. This prevents conversations about the day's events from taking place.
More and more children are also dissatisfied. Parents would no longer listen properly if they wanted to tell them something, or they feel dismissed by phrases such as «not now - I have to answer the email quickly».
The smartphone has entered our lives so quietly and insidiously that we no longer seem to realise how attached we are to it. That's why we immediately feel guilty when someone comes along with the role model cudgel. But what is a good role model supposed to be?
What does it mean to be a role model?
It goes without saying that we always want to be a good role model for our children. We want them to be happy, to have the chance to fulfil their potential and to find their place in life later on. There's just one catch: we are always role models, not just in individual moments. Children are watching us all the time, whether we like it or not.
We would certainly prefer them to only see our positive sides, for example when we help an old lady get on the train. But our sons and daughters are also present when we hit ourselves on the thumb with a hammer and react anything but confidently. We have no control over this, as much as we would like to. The role model function only exists in a positive and negative sense.
Setting a good example is also not easy because upbringing always means a bit of self-education. Not smoking, not swearing or not constantly being tied to your smartphone. But what person has one hundred per cent control over themselves? Then there is the pious desire not to repeat the mistakes of our parents. Instead, we make our own mistakes - and those of our parents too.
We have to say goodbye to the idea of being perfect parents who bring up their children perfectly.
So let's say goodbye to the idea of being perfect parents who bring up their children perfectly. That can't work. What does work, however, is to thoroughly rethink our own role model: where is it really important to be a good role model and what attitude do we exemplify?
Be a role model - authentic and without pressure
When it comes to educational topics such as exercise and nutrition, we manage to set a good example. For example, when we offer our children a balanced meal for breakfast in the morning and not the cold garlic pizza from the previous evening.
There is room for improvement when it comes to our own media consumption. Many adults have not yet found the right balance, especially when it comes to using their smartphones. But this is urgently needed, because as soon as the children get older, they realise when we preach water and drink wine. Then it's a hail of criticism. And rightly so.
Conclusion: Let's take the pressure off the debate about the role model function. Even the best parents do things wrong. That's completely normal. Bending over backwards doesn't help. It is more important for children that their parents are authentic.
Being a role model - seven suggestions
- Selbstkritisch sein: Die eigene Vorbildrolle und den eigenen Medienkonsum überdenken
- Kein Vorbildstress: Lieber authentisch sein, als sich verstellen. Fehler dürfen passieren
- Vorbild sein ist keine Solonummer: Ab acht Jahren sind nicht nur die Eltern Vorbild, sondern auch die Freunde oder Lehrer
- Verlässliches Vorbild sein: Was gesagt wird, gilt. Versprochen ist versprochen und wird nicht gebrochen
- Vorbild Smartphone (1): Kein Smartphone bei Tisch, auf dem Spielplatz oder bei der Abholung aus Kindergarten und Schule
- Vorbild Smartphone (2): Öfter mal den Flugmodus benutzen, etwa beim Spielen mit den Kindern. Oder den Anrufer auf einen Rückruf vertrösten. Smartphonefreie Zeiten einführen. Für die ganze Familie
- Nicht vergessen: Kinder brauchen immer wieder ungeteilte Aufmerksamkeit
About the author Thomas Feibel
56, is the leading journalist on the subject of «children and new media» in Germany. The media expert runs the Office for Children's Media in Berlin, gives readings and lectures, and organises workshops and seminars. His most recent book for parents, «Jetzt pack doch mal das Handy weg», was published by Ullstein-Verlag. Feibel is married and has four children.
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