How anger takes us further
When was the last time you were really angry with someone? And how did you deal with this feeling? Did you speak up and say things that you regretted afterwards? Did you swallow your anger and act as if nothing was wrong? Or did you manage to deal with your anger constructively? And, by the way, what does that even look like?
Anger has a hard time with parents. When anger boils over in children, it triggers a whole range of unpleasant emotions in mums and dads. We may feel helpless because the child is overstepping boundaries and no longer responds to us at all.
Perhaps we are ashamed of the «theatre» that is taking place in front of others and question our parenting skills.
Perhaps we are ashamed of the «theatre» that is taking place in front of others and question our parenting skills. Or we may be overcome with fear: «What's wrong with my child? If he can't get to grips with this, I'll be in the dark. I don't want to have to pick him up at the police station when he's 16!»
However, the child's reaction may also trigger a complete lack of understanding: «Come off it! There's no need to freak out over something so small!» Or the child infects us and we get into a rage ourselves.
A tunnel vision quickly develops - you want to stop the child's anger as quickly as possible: «Enough! I don't want to hear any more! Go to your room until you calm down!»
How our family of origin shapes the way we deal with anger
Dealing with our own anger or that of our children is particularly difficult if we had parents who gave free rein to their anger or constantly suppressed it.
One mother remembers: "My father was a real choleric man. Even small things could set him off and you never knew when he would explode next. We children had to be careful not to give him any reason to do so.
Our mum had to constantly appease him, read his every wish from his eyes. She bottled up her own anger. I swore to myself that I would never treat my children like that."
We can well imagine how much her son's anger puts said mother on alert. When her son rages, she panics: There's no way he can become a choleric person like her! For the mother, there is so much that is harmful and threatening in anger and rage that she wants to distance herself completely from these feelings.
Anger can be a productive force that allows us to stand up for ourselves and make other people realise: Here I am.
We all get angry. And that's always when something hasn't gone the way we thought it should. For a two-year-old, the «wrongly sliced» bread can be a cause for anger, for a teenager it can be the way society treats our planet and for an adult it can be the printer that won't spit out the document they urgently need.
Anger increases when we are under pressure, exhausted and have the impression that another person is deliberately obstructing, belittling or harming us.
Anger makes us stand up for our own boundaries
If we always suppress our anger, we deafen ourselves to the feeling that something is not as we think it should be. We no longer notice when someone violates our boundaries, lose sight of our own needs and are only concerned with pleasing others.
Anger can be a productive force that allows us to stand up for ourselves, to change something, to free ourselves from toxic relationships, to defend ourselves against injustice and to make other people realise: Here I am. This is my boundary and I demand that you respect it.
In order to utilise the constructive power of anger, we need to be able to allow it and take a closer look at it. In this context, psychologist and author Marcia Reynolds advises us to think about a situation that has made us angry and to consider: «What wasn't the way I think it should have been? What would I have liked? Respect? Understanding? Recognition? Justice? Peace?»
Now we can ask ourselves: Do I want to keep the anger or let it go? One way to let go of anger can be to re-evaluate the situation. Perhaps we realise that we also overreacted in a conflict and we can forgive the other person. Or we realise that we expected too much from our child and can be more forgiving.
We may also recognise a good intention behind the other person's behaviour that has annoyed us so much. When we look at the situation in a new light, our feelings also change.
Patience is required
But sometimes we will realise: My anger is justified and I need to stand up for myself. Then it can become a powerful motor for change.
This doesn't have to be done in an aggressive way: Perhaps next time we simply say that we are angry to give the other person the opportunity to respond. Perhaps we demand more respect or an apology, have the courage to say no and set ourselves apart. Or we find new ways to achieve what is important to us, set ourselves a goal, seek support and get to work.
If we always suppress our anger, we no longer realise when someone hurts our feelings.
Dealing with anger in a mature way means that we are able to recognise, allow and name this feeling without reacting in a threatening or destructive manner. And that we are able to look behind the anger, understand which needs have been violated and how we want to deal with them.
This is incredibly difficult and poses a challenge for almost all adults. Children can only develop the associated skills in small steps. So let's be patient with them and ourselves - and let's set out to reconcile ourselves with anger and channel it into good channels. On this occasion, our next two columns will also deal with the question of what helps us and our children to deal with anger.
