Help, we hardly have any time for our child

One question - three opinions
Our son is 11 and my wife and I are very busy at work. We can hardly spend any time with our child during the week. We are tired at the weekend and often don't feel like doing anything as a family. Do we have to feel guilty about this?
Here's what our team of experts says:
Nicole Althaus
Did you know that if you google «guilty conscience and parents», you get almost 10 million entries? It's widespread and plagues almost every mum and dad. The problem: a guilty conscience doesn't help anyone. Get rid of it and use the time you spend brooding over your guilty conscience with your child. Half an hour or an hour a day adds up so quickly. And it's good for the whole family.
Stefanie RietzlerDas sollten Sie Ihren Sohn ­fragen: «Wir wissen, dass wir viel arbeiten. Wie ist das für dich? Was würdest du dir wünschen?» Als Familie ­müssen Sie nicht dauernd etwas zusammen unternehmen. Die Frage ist eher: Sind wir in Kontakt? Bekommen wir Eltern mit, was das Kind beschäftigt? Gibt es Momente, in denen wir uns zuhören oder gemeinsam lachen? Ihr Sohn wird bald in einem Alter sein, in dem er in erster Linie mit seinen Freunden unterwegs sein möchte. Dann werden Sie wahrscheinlich kein ­schlechtes Gewissen mehr haben. Vielleicht werden Sie aber wehmütig zurückdenken und sich fragen, warum Sie die Zeit mit Ihrem Kind nicht intensiver genutzt haben.
Stefanie Rietzler
You should ask your son this: «We know we work a lot. How is that for you? What would you like?» As a family, you don't have to do things together all the time. The question is rather: Are we in contact? Are we parents aware of what the child is doing? Are there moments when we listen to each other or laugh together? Your son will soon be at an age when he primarily wants to be out and about with his friends. Then you will probably no longer have a guilty conscience. But perhaps you will think back wistfully and wonder why you didn't spend more time with your child.
Peter SchneiderNein, das müssen Sie nicht; ein schlechtes Gewissen ist völlig freiwillig. Ich bin weiss Gott sehr für Tagesschulen und eine gute ausserfamiliäre Kinder­betreuung. Ich denke durchaus nicht, dass Eltern höchstens je ein 60-Prozent-Arbeitspensum haben dürfen, damit sie die restlichen 40 Prozent mit ihrem Nachwuchs durch den Wald streifen können (allerdings habe ich auch nichts gegen die Eltern, die das gerne tun) – aber: Wenn Ihr Sohn Sie derart sowohl bei der beruflichen Einspannung als auch der ausserberuflichen Entspannung stört, dann hätten Sie sich vor zwölf Jahren wohl besser für einen ­Kaktus entschieden, den man nur einmal im Monat ­giessen muss.
Peter Schneider
No, you don't have to; a guilty conscience is completely voluntary. God knows I'm very much in favour of day schools and good childcare outside the home. I certainly don't think that parents should be allowed to work a maximum of 60 per cent of the time so that they can spend the remaining 40 per cent roaming through the woods with their offspring (although I have nothing against parents who like to do this) - but: if your son interferes so much with both your work commitments and your relaxation outside work, then twelve years ago you would probably have been better off opting for a cactus that you only have to water once a month.


Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 51, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch" and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist, author ("Geborgen, mutig, frei", "Clever lernen") and runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich.
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
Peter Schneider, 62, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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