«Help, the son's friend is speaking schoolyard slang!»

A friend of our son, 8, likes to express himself in schoolyard slang ("Shit, dude, spaz") when we are out and about with him. I understand when young people talk to each other in their own language. But in our presence, it makes me uncomfortable because in our family we attach great importance to cultivated forms of behaviour and expression. But I don't want to educate my son's friend. What is the best way to react?

Doris, 41, Heerbrugg SG

What our team of experts says:
Nicole Althaus: Wenn Sie nicht wollen, dass der Freund des Sohnes in Ihrer Wohnung «Scheisse» sagt, dann bleibt Ihnen wohl nichts anderes übrig, als ihn über die Regeln aufzuklären, die bei Ihnen zu Hause gelten. Das ist eine Form der Erziehung, ob Sie wollen oder nicht. Nämlich diejenige zu Anstand und vorab Anpassung: Wer sich in einem anderen Haus aufhält, hat die Hausregeln zu respek­tieren. In grösseren Zusammenhängen nennt man das auch Integration. Sie ist für ein friedliches Zusammenleben zentral.
Nicole Althaus
If you don't want your son's friend to say «shit» in your home, then you probably have no choice but to tell him about the rules that apply in your home. This is a form of education, whether you like it or not. It's a form of education, whether you like it or not: anyone who is in someone else's house has to respect the house rules. In larger contexts, this is also known as integration. It is central to peaceful coexistence.
<img alt="Stefanie Rietzler: It's understandable that you don't want to educate your son's friend. At the same time, you can expect guests to abide by your house rules. In such cases, some parents try to influence the visitor through their own child. However, this would put your son in a conflict of loyalty. It would be more favourable to express clear expectations to the friend, for example: «It is important to us that we speak decently to each other in our home. This also applies to our visit. «Shit», «old man» and «spaz» can wait outside the front door for so long.»" src="https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/uploads/2021/08/4c680e1adde4261478b5c97518a520dc.jpg» />
Stefanie Rietzler
It's understandable that you don't want to educate your son's friend. At the same time, you can expect guests to abide by your house rules. In such cases, some parents try to influence the visit via their own child. However, this would put your son in a conflict of loyalty. It would be more favourable to express clear expectations to the friend, for example: «It is important to us that we speak decently to each other in our home. This also applies to our visit. «Shit», «old man» and «spaz» can wait outside the front door for so long.»
Peter Schneider: Es gibt zwei Möglichkeiten. Erstens: Sie erklären dem Freund Ihres Sohnes, dass Ihnen der Ghetto­Slang auf den Sack geht und dass Sie es sehr schätzten, würde er sich in Ihrer Anwesenheit einer gediegeneren Ausdrucksweise befleissigen. Oder, zweitens: Sie versuchen es einmal selber mit dem Slang. Nicht übertreiben, nicht ironisieren, keinen besonderen Tonfall imitieren, sondern einfach nur dieselben Worte gebrau­chen. Und dann mal schauen, was passiert. Vielleicht macht es Ihnen ja selber Spass, oder es ergibt sich ein lustiger Rollentausch oder sonst irgendetwas.
Peter Schneider
There are two possibilities. Firstly, you explain to your son's friend that the ghetto slang is getting on your nerves and that you would appreciate it if he would use more dignified language in your presence. Or, secondly, you could try using slang yourself. Don't exaggerate, don't ironise, don't imitate a particular tone of voice, just use the same words. And then see what happens. Maybe you'll enjoy it yourself, or a funny role reversal or something else will come up.


Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 49, is editor-in-chief of magazines, member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch"
and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 18 and 14.
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist, author ("Erfolgreich lernen mit ADHS") and runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
Peter Schneider, 59, works as a psychoanalyst and columnist in Zurich. Until 2017, he was Professor of Developmental and Educational Psychology in Bremen; he currently teaches the history and theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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