Help, our son is getting violent!
Holger, 38, and Laura, 40, Bern
What our experts say:
Forced apologies are useless. Instead of making judgements as a referee about who started it or how much «blame» there is, you could think about the following questions with the children more often: In which situations does conflict most often arise? Who needs something in these moments to make things more peaceful? When were there nice moments between the siblings this week? How can we expand these activities? It is also important that you, as parents, intervene decisively in the event of fisticuffs and devaluation and that your daughter has a room, ideally one that can be closed off, where she can withdraw.
There are few things more annoying than children bickering in the car or at the table. Especially when you yourself are tired or otherwise stressed. But there are also few things more instructive than arguments between siblings. It teaches young people for life: that conflict is part of life, that you can argue and still love each other. And in the best case scenario: that arguments can be de-escalated before they become violent. As parents, don't just name a guilty party, but ask questions: What is it about? Who said what? Why did who get angry? What could be done? In this way, both children will feel that they are being taken seriously and the parents will also get out of the victim-perpetrator mindset, which is usually too short-sighted.
You're right: fisticuffs are forbidden. But perhaps you are very clearly on the sister's side. Younger siblings can sometimes tease older ones in a subtle way that adults miss. (No offence to the younger sister, she certainly has to put up with a lot from her older brother too). Sibling disputes are annoying (also for the siblings), but they don't get any better if one has to apologise to the other. Intervene in the event of physical violence and otherwise keep a low profile.
Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 51, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «wir eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist, author
(«Geborgen, mutig, frei», «Clever lernen») and runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
Peter Schneider, 62, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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