«Help, our son is always freaking out!»

Our son, 8, blows up at every little thing. To give us some distance, we send him to his room. This has worked quite well so far. Recently, however, he's been coming out again straight away. We don't want to get involved in this power game. What's the best way to react?
Here's what our team of experts has to say:
Stefanie Rietzler: Werten Sie den Umstand, dass Ihr Sohn von Wutausbrüchen übermannt wird, als Zeichen dafür, dass das ­Timeout bisher eben nicht «recht gut funktioniert» hat. Ihr Sohn muss lernen, seine Gefühle besser zu regulieren. Dafür braucht er Menschen, die ihn in dieser Situation begleiten. Genau das will Ihr Sohn Ihnen zeigen, wenn er aus dem Zimmer kommt. Das heisst nicht, dass Sie fortan von Abmachungen abrücken müssen, sondern, dass Sie da sind und seine Wut gemeinsam mit ihm aushalten. Es ist zudem ­wichtig, herauszufinden, welche Ursache die dauernden Gefühlsausbrüche Ihres Sohnes haben könnten, und ob er aus irgendeinem Grund unter Dauerstress steht.
Stefanie Rietzler
Take the fact that your son is overwhelmed by outbursts of anger as a sign that the timeout has not «worked very well» so far. Your son needs to learn to regulate his feelings better. To do this, he needs people to support him in this situation. This is exactly what your son wants to show you when he comes out of the room. This does not mean that you have to abandon agreements from now on, but that you are there to deal with his anger together with him. It is also important to find out what the cause of your son's constant emotional outbursts might be and whether he is under constant stress for some reason.
Nicole Althaus: Vielleicht ist es Ihrem Sohn ja wichtig, dass Sie seinen Ärger mitbekommen. Ob das berechtigt ist, kommt natürlich auf die Kleinheit der Kleinigkeiten an, wegen denen er in die Luft geht. Schicken Sie ihn mehrmals täglich ins Zimmer, verliert die Strafe an Effektivität, wie alles, das zu oft eingesetzt wird. Begegnen Sie den negativen Gefühlen Ihres ­Sohnes wertfrei. Wut, Hass und Ärger sind berechtigte Affekte. Signalisieren Sie aber klar, dass Toben, Schreien, Schlagen keine adäquaten Formen sind, damit umzugehen.
Nicole Althaus
Perhaps it is important to your son that you notice his anger. Whether this is justified depends, of course, on the smallness of the little things that cause him to blow up. If you send him to the room several times a day, the punishment will lose its effectiveness, just like anything that is used too often. Deal with your son's negative feelings in a non-judgemental way. Anger, hatred and resentment are justified emotions. However, signal clearly that raging, shouting and hitting are not appropriate ways of dealing with them.
Peter Schneider: Wie wäre es, wenn Sie zur Abwechslung mal in sein Zimmer gingen? Oder Sie lassen ihn rauskommen, geben ihm aber gleich­zeitig zu verstehen, dass Sie jetzt keine Nerven für weitere Auseinandersetzungen haben. Jedenfalls nicht in den nächsten 15 Minuten. Es gibt keine Wunderrituale, um Zornesausbrüche nachhaltig zu beenden. Man schont wenigstens seine Nerven, wenn man das bedenkt. Ansonsten hilft nur Improvisieren.
Peter Schneider
How about going into his room for a change? Or let him come out, but at the same time let him know that you don't have the nerve for any more arguments. At least not for the next 15 minutes. There are no miracle rituals to put a lasting end to angry outbursts. At least you can spare your nerves if you bear that in mind. Otherwise, the only thing that helps is improvisation.


Our team of experts:
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist, author ("Geborgen, mutig, frei", "Clever lernen") and runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich.
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
Nicole Althaus, 51, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch" and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
Peter Schneider, 62, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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