Help, our daughter is afraid of thieves!

Our daughter, 9, is afraid of thieves. I explain to her that there are no thieves where we live. But that's a lie. When I tell her that there are thieves, but they can't steal anything because we have strong doors, she continues to worry. Do you have any advice?
Gregor, 51, Altstätten

That's what our experts say:

Nicole Althaus: Schön wärs, man könnte den geliebten Kleinen alle Ängste nehmen, sie luftdicht verschliessen und mit dem Müll entsorgen. Doch die Angst gehört zum Leben. So wie die Freude und die Trauer. Sagen Sie Ihrer Tochter das. Und dass Angst die Menschen lehrt, aufzupassen. Schliessen Sie abends gemeinsam die Tür zu und wenn nötig die Fensterläden. Und dann singen und kochen Sie zusammen und zeigen, dass man mit der Angst gut leben kann.
Nicole Althaus: It would be nice if you could take away all the fears of your beloved little ones, seal them up airtight and dispose of them with the rubbish. But fear is part of life. Just like joy and sadness. Tell your daughter that. And that fear teaches people to be careful. Close the door together in the evening and, if necessary, close the shutters. And then sing and cook together and show that you can live well with fear.
Tonia von Gunten: How do you deal with your own fears today? And what was it like for you as a child? Talk to your daughter: «I'm no longer afraid of thieves. But you are worried. Please tell me when you have a good idea to deal with this fear yourself, okay?» As a child, the best way to learn how to deal with your own fear is to experience that this feeling is part of the big picture of life and that all people experience such feelings from time to time.
Peter Schneider: Ich fürchte, die Sorge können Sie ihr kaum abnehmen. Sie müssen Ihrerseits aber auch nicht befürchten, die Angst vor Dieben würde darum zu einem ständigen Begleiter im Leben Ihrer Tochter. Kinder sind hilfloser als Erwachsene; sie verfügen auch nicht über die relativierende Wurschtigkeit, die uns Erwachsenen den Alltag erleichtert. Sie haben mehr Zeit, sich in ihre Ängste zu vertiefen und sie mit allerlei Fantasien auszuschmücken. (Dasselbe gilt oft auch für alte Menschen.) Im Alter Ihrer Tochter haben Kinder auch den Glauben verloren, dass ihre Eltern sie vor allem schützen können. Das ergibt eine Neigung zur Hilflosigkeit, auf die man beruhigend reagieren sollte, die man aber eben auch nicht ausmerzen kann.
Peter Schneider: I'm afraid you can hardly relieve her of that worry. But you don't have to worry that the fear of thieves will become a constant companion in your daughter's life. Children are more helpless than adults; they also don't have the relativising sausage-like attitude that makes everyday life easier for us adults. They have more time to immerse themselves in their fears and embellish them with all kinds of fantasies. (The same is often true for old people.) At your daughter's age, children have also lost the belief that their parents can protect them from everything. This results in a tendency towards helplessness, which should be reassured, but which cannot be eradicated.


The authors:

Nicole Althaus, 48, is a columnist, author and member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag". She was previously editor-in-chief of "wir eltern" and initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children, 16 and 12.
Tonia von Gunten, 43, is a parenting coach, educator and author. She runs elternpower.ch, a programme that aims to bring fresh energy into families and strengthen parents in their relationship skills. Tonia von Gunten is married and the mother of two children, 10 and 7.
Peter Schneider,
works as a psychoanalyst and columnist in Zurich. Until 2017, he was Professor of Developmental and Educational Psychology in Bremen; he currently teaches the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.

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