«Help, my son is avoiding football tournaments!»

Our 9-year-old son is passionate about playing football and is regularly called up by the coach for matches. He himself is worried that his team could lose if he makes a mistake. Should I try to awaken his ambition or should I respect his wish to only attend training?
This is what our team of experts says:
Nicole Althaus: Vielleicht mangelt es Ihrem Sohn nicht an Ehrgeiz, sondern an Frustrationstoleranz. Lehren Sie ihn, dass niemand Perfektion verlangt, Fehler passieren dürfen, sogar passieren müssen, damit man sich weiterentwickeln kann. Und dass Probieren über Studieren geht.
Nicole Althaus
Perhaps your son doesn't lack ambition, but rather frustration tolerance. Teach him that nobody demands perfection, that mistakes are allowed to happen, even have to happen, so that you can continue to develop. And that the proof of the pudding is in the eating.
Stefanie Rietzler: Offenbar gehört Ihr Sohn zu den Kindern, die Wettkampfsituationen nichts abgewinnen können. Es ist schade, wenn intrinsisch motivierte Kinder von leistungsorientierten Trainern oder Eltern so lange unter Druck gesetzt werden, an Turnieren oder Wettbewerben teilzunehmen, bis ihnen die Freude am Sport abhandenkommt. Dabei vergisst man oft: Nur weil man etwas gut kann und gerne tut, heisst das nicht, dass man sich mit anderen messen muss. Lassen Sie Ihrem Sohn Zeit: Vielleicht hat er irgendwann Lust auf Wettkämpfe, vielleicht bleibt er ein begeisterter Trainingsbesucher.
Stefanie Rietzler
Your son is obviously one of those children who doesn't enjoy competitive situations. It's a shame when intrinsically motivated children are put under pressure by performance-orientated coaches or parents to take part in tournaments or competitions for so long that they lose the joy of sport. People often forget that just because you are good at something and enjoy doing it doesn't mean you have to compete with others. Give your son time: maybe he will want to compete at some point, maybe he will remain an enthusiastic training spectator.
Peter Schneider: Ja, sie sollten seinen Wunsch respektieren. Aber vielleicht kann der Trainer der Angst Ihres Sohnes entgegenwirken. Erzählen Sie ihm (besser ohne dass Ihr Sohn davon erfährt) von den Skrupeln Ihres Sohnes. Wenn er es richtig findet, kann er ihn ja öfter bei den Spielen einsetzen. Aber Sie können Ihrem Sohn keinen Ehrgeiz verordnen, unter dem er dann nur leiden würde. Kinder werden manchmal von Sorgen geplagt, die Erwachsene schlecht verstehen können. Man muss diese Sorgen manchmal auch einfach nur geduldig ertragen.
Peter Schneider
Yes, you should respect his wishes. But perhaps the coach can counteract your son's fear. Tell him (preferably without your son finding out) about your son's scruples. If he thinks it's right, he can use him more often in the games. But you can't impose ambition on your son, which will only make him suffer. Children are sometimes plagued by worries that adults find difficult to understand. Sometimes you just have to bear these worries patiently.


Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 49, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch" and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 18 and 14.
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist, author ("Clever lernen", "Erfolgreich lernen mit ADHS") and runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich.
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
Peter Schneider, 59, works as a psychoanalyst and columnist in Zurich. Until 2017, he was Professor of Developmental and Educational Psychology in Bremen; he currently teaches the history and theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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