I have been divorced for three years and have recently found a new partner. We still live separately. My son, 13, doesn't accept my boyfriend at all - he thinks he's daft. What can I do to make everyone feel better? Sonja, 42, Olten
What our three experts say:
Nicole Althaus: It would be strange if your son were to embrace his new boyfriend without reservation. After all, it hurts to have him and not his father around. Give yourself, your son and your new friend time to get used to each other and the new family. And give your son the space to finally say goodbye to the idea that mum and dad might get back together after all. That's all you can and need to do.
Tonia von Gunten: Well, then he just thinks he's daft! Accept what your son is feeling at the moment. After the divorce, he now has to digest the fact that he is no longer the centre of your attention. However, this doesn't mean that he can decide who you can be with from now on. Give them time to get used to each other and enjoy your own happiness in the meantime!
Peter Schneider: You can only rely on the effects of time. And don't rush into moving in together. A strange guy in the house is probably about as attractive in your son's mind as a pimple on his nose. If you desperately advertise for your partner, this will not defuse the conflict, but only fuel it. Be considerate of your son's wishes (e.g. spending time without your boyfriend), don't force him to join you for fun activities with the three of you, but don't force your boyfriend to stay away from your son either. The less you insist that your son sees your partner as his new dad, the more relaxed the relationship between the two of you can develop.
The authors:
Nicole Althaus, 47, is a columnist, author and member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag". She was previously editor-in-chief of "wir eltern" and initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children, 16 and 12.
Tonia von Gunten, 42, is a parenting coach, educator and author. She runs elternpower.ch, a programme that aims to bring fresh energy into families and strengthen parents in their relationship skills. Tonia von Gunten is married and the mother of two children, 9 and 6.
Peter Schneider, works as a psychoanalyst and columnist in Zurich. Until 2017, he was Professor of Developmental and Educational Psychology in Bremen; he currently teaches the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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