«Help, my daughter's boyfriend stinks!»

Reader question:
My daughter, 15, is in a long-distance relationship. Understandably, she wants to see her boyfriend every weekend. But that means he stays with us every other weekend. Unfortunately, he is rude, know-it-all and doesn't think much of personal hygiene. How should I behave?
Nadine, 44, Basel

Nicole Althaus:

A doubly unpleasant situation. You don't exactly have much sympathy for your daughter's boyfriend, and then he also stinks. And in your flat. The first problem probably can't be solved. And it doesn't need to be solved. Your daughter loves the man, you don't have to. But you can demand that he showers and behaves properly when he spends the weekend with you. Demand this clearly and firmly. Perhaps it will have the pleasant side effect that he will prefer to stink at home from now on. And your daughter will soon be fed up too.

Kathrin Buholzer:

Honesty is very important. This will help your daughter understand your anger and worries a little better. Explain to her what you don't agree with and what you would like. Tell her about your first love and what parent-child conflicts you remember. Don't just stubbornly impose the tariff, but involve your daughter in finding a solution. Ask questions and counter-questions: «Do you have any ideas? What rules and agreements are needed so that everyone feels comfortable?» This way, your daughter will realise that you are taking her seriously and won't get the feeling that you just want to spoil her time with her boyfriend.

Peter Schneider:

They should be politely restrained but firm in their defence against impertinence. Unfortunately, know-it-all behaviour is as much a part of puberty as pimples. «Youth is quick with the word ... The world is narrow and the brain is wide,» says Schiller's Wallenstein. It takes time for children to learn that the horizon of the world is often much wider than their own narrow-mindedness. However, many don't learn this even as adults. Otherwise, shut your nose and get on with it. And hope that at some point your daughter will be as sick of him as you are.

Nicole Althaus,
47, is a columnist, author and member of the editorial team at NZZ am Sonntag. She was previously editor-in-chief of "wir eltern" and initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger.ch". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children, 15 and 11.
Kathrin Buholzer,
42, is a journalist, parenting counsellor, operator of the parenting blog "www.elternplanet.ch" and mother of two daughters, 13 and 11.
Peter Schneider,
works as a psychoanalyst and columnist in Zurich. Until 2017, he was Professor of Developmental and Educational Psychology in Bremen; he currently teaches the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.

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