«Help, my daughter takes everything personally!»

My daughter, 9, takes everything incredibly personally: she immediately sees my request to tidy her room, practise the flute or set the table as criticism. And reacts aggressively accordingly. Do you have any advice for me? Patricia, 42, Interlaken BE
What our team of experts says:
Nicole Althaus: Haben wir Menschen nicht alle die Tendenz, Dinge persönlich zu nehmen, die uns nicht in den Kram passen? Vielleicht kommen wir ja noch einmal davon! Ihre Tochter versucht sich mit ihrem Verhalten vor Auf­ gaben und «Ämtli» zudrücken. Fallen Sie nicht darauf herein! Lassen Sie sich nicht provozieren und sagen Sie ruhig, aber bestimmt, was die Tochter zu tun hat.
Nicole Althaus
Don't we humans all have a tendency to take things personally that don't suit us? Maybe we'll get away with it again! Your daughter is trying to avoid tasks and «offices» with her behaviour. Don't fall for it! Don't let yourself be provoked and tell your daughter calmly but firmly what she has to do.
<img alt="Tonia von Gunten: As a general rule, give fewer instructions and let your daughter decide more for herself. We parents have a habit of constantly questioning our children and giving orders: «How was school? Have you got any homework? Set the table! Hang up your jacket!» If you can't do it without instructions, consider the following: Give your daughter enough time. Be clear and personal: "You're playing, but we can eat in ten minutes. I want you to set the table today. Okay?»« src="https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/uploads/2021/08/492e405b66cc771f04873014409e1b75.jpg» />
Tonia von Gunten
Always give fewer instructions and let your daughter decide more for herself. We parents have a habit of constantly questioning our children and giving orders: «How was school? Have you got any homework? Set the table! Hang up your jacket!» If you can't do it without instructions, consider the following: Give your daughter enough time. Be clear and personal: «You're playing, but we can eat in ten minutes. I want you to set the table today. Okay?»
Peter Schneider: Versuchen Sie, vermeidbare «Kritik» (also das, was Ihre Tochter als unwichtige Kritik empfindet) herunterzufahren, und überlegen Sie, wo Sie ihr stattdessen etwas Nettes sagen können. Das ist der nerven­ schonende Teil meiner Antwort. Der andere Teil lautet: Es hilft nichts, da müssen Sie und Ihre Tochter durch. Das geht am einfachsten, wenn Sie bei den wirklich wichtigen Aufgaben (das sind möglicherweise weniger, als Sie im Moment denken) die besagte «Kritik» als möglichst simples Kommando durchgeben und sich von den Aggressionen nicht zu sehr beeindrucken lassen.
Peter Schneider
Try to cut down on avoidable «criticism» (i.e. what your daughter perceives as unimportant criticism) and think about where you can say something nice to her instead. That's the easy on the nerves part of my answer. The other part is: It doesn't help, you and your daughter have to get through this. The easiest way to do this is to give the aforementioned «criticism» as a simple command for the really important tasks (which may be fewer than you think at the moment) and not be too impressed by the aggression.


Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 48, is a columnist, author and member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag". She was previously editor-in-chief of "wir eltern" and initiated and managed the mum blog on "Tagesanzeiger. ch" and initiated and managed the mum blog. Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children, 16 and 12.
Tonia von Gunten, 44, is a parenting coach, educator and author. She runs elternpower.ch, a programme that aims to bring fresh energy into families and strengthen parents in their relationship skills. Tonia von Gunten is married and the mother of two children, 11 and 8.
Peter Schneider, 59, works as a psychoanalyst and columnist in Zurich. Until 2017, he was Professor of Developmental and Educational Psychology in Bremen; he currently teaches the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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