«Help, my child is constantly comparing themselves with others!»

In the spring of 1960, two kindergarten children had the following heated argument in a courtyard in St. Gallen:
«My parents have the bigger car than you!» - «But we have a house!» - «But an old one! We have a new flat and more money!» Now it was getting difficult for my uncle: «But my father has more children!» - «But we travel further away on holiday!» My uncle sounded almost desperate as he played his last trump card: «But my dad has a lot more hair on his stomach than yours!» With this hairy argument, my uncle, five years old at the time, had won the exchange of blows.
Parents keep asking me how they can stop their children from comparing themselves and encourage them to pay more attention to their own strengths and progress.
Before I address this question, I would like to emphasise that it is part of a child's natural development to compare and compete with others.

Younger children pay particular attention to external differences.

As soon as children explore themselves and others, they begin to pay attention to similarities and differences. Younger children first notice the clearly visible external differences - especially those that are important in the child's world: Who is the tallest, the strongest, the one with the longest hair?
Younger children are usually still very sure of themselves. And of course their fathers are also the strongest and tallest, their mums the most beautiful. Little by little, they discover that others are better at certain things. The first disappointments creep in, and at the same time the image of themselves and others becomes more differentiated: «Dad, Marius' dad is taller than you!»
At primary school age, when peers become more important and children are able to assess themselves and others better and better, comparisons usually increase. In doing so, we get to know our strengths and weaknesses. Over the years and decades, our own image becomes more nuanced and realistic. If we are lucky, we manage to accept ourselves better and better in this process, to emphasise our strong sides and to reconcile ourselves with our shortcomings and weaknesses.

How should I react if my child compares themselves with others?

In general, I would advise you to be relaxed about comparisons between children. Perhaps it's not even necessary to say anything about it apart from a little «Hm» or «Aha»?
If children have painful experiences, we can accompany them as parents - trusting that children can also cope with occasional disappointments.
When I started school after an extra year of kindergarten, I was still noticeably slow and dreamy. A wonderful teacher and my parents encouraged me and made me feel like I was on the right track. At the end of first grade, I proudly carried my report card home. I opened the envelope just outside our house and looked at the two fours and the four and a half that were written in beautiful handwriting.
My best friend walked next to me and looked at his. When I wanted to go through the garden gate to our house, he said: «Let me see yours!» He held the certificates next to each other. I saw his fives and sixes and he told me that my grades were «bad». All my parents' assurances that a four meant that I was «good enough» and that they were happy about it didn't help much. I now knew where I stood.

Trust that your child is strong enough to deal with disappointments and weaknesses.

I cried a little, my mother hugged me and the next day the insects in the garden were more important than my grades - after all, it was the summer holidays! The fact that my parents remained calm and trusted me to deal with the disappointment took a lot of the weight off.

In recent years, I have often observed this: The better parents can cope with their child's disappointment and negative feelings, the easier it is for the child to deal with them.
For example, we can remain calmer if we respond more to the child's feelings rather than the comparison. If the child says that they are stupid and everyone else is much smarter, we usually react by firmly rejecting this: «You're not stupid!» This usually triggers a discussion in which the child sticks to their own point of view.

«You're feeling really stupid right now? I've been there.»

But we can also understand and show this feeling as a snapshot: I know that. Perhaps we then say: «You feel really stupid right now. I feel like that sometimes too. It makes you feel really small and stupid.» You can then talk about your own experience or ask: «What would do you good right now?» It is reassuring for a child to see that their parents are aware of such feelings, are there to support them.
We can also communicate directly to the child that we trust them to deal with the situation. For example, if a son complains that his daughter is doing much better at school, we like to respond with something like: «But you're much better at sport.» However, this keeps us in the pattern of comparison and indirectly shows the child that it is important to be better after all.
Unconsciously, we are fuelling the comparison and, in this example, perhaps even reducing motivation for school because we are assigning our children fixed roles: the athlete, the good student, and so on. As a result, children may withdraw more and more into the area in which they can excel.
But perhaps the child has a strength that helps them to face up to their real or perceived weakness: «Yes, your sister is having an easier time at school at the moment. And you know what? I'm proud of you for sticking with it and practising, even when it's hard for you. You've always had a fighter's heart.»

Quick tips:

• Comparisons can be painful. Show your child that you are there and that they are allowed to have these feelings.
• If your child only devalues themselves more intensely: try something else, for example by asking them what would do them good or telling them what helps you in such moments.
• Make your child realise that they are strong enough to deal with occasional disappointments and their own weaknesses instead of immediately distracting them from them.

To the author:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 37-year-old is married and father to a son, 4, and a daughter, 1. He lives with his family in Freiburg.
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