"I love you both equally," I tell my children, aged 10 and 13. But that's not quite true. My first son is closer to me in many situations than my second. Unfortunately, I can't do anything about this feeling. Do I have to be honest with my children?
This is what our team of experts says:
Nicole Althaus
The heart is not an apple that you can simply cut in half and divide up fairly. Your sons know this from their own experience. In many situations, mum or dad is closer to them too. And that's totally okay. Tell the little one and the big one: «I love you.» They can conjure up the «both the same» when there are Smarties to share. Or an apple.
<img alt="Tonia von GuntenIt's a fact that we don't like everyone equally, even when it comes to our children. One child is often closer to us than the other. This is because they behave differently and we don't necessarily like everything about them. The children usually feel the same way about us parents. Accept your own feelings instead of fighting them, and next time put it like this: «I like you both. Sometimes more, sometimes less. In some situations, I have the feeling that I understand my first son better. Maybe we are just more alike. Dear sons, what do you think?»« src="https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/uploads/2021/08/492e405b66cc771f04873014409e1b75.jpg» />
Tonia von Gunten
It's a fact that we don't like everyone equally, even when it comes to our children. One child is often closer to us than the other. This is because they behave differently and we don't necessarily like everything about them. The children usually feel the same way about us parents. Accept your own feelings instead of fighting them, and next time put it like this: «I like you both. Sometimes more, sometimes less. In some situations, I have the feeling that I understand my first son better. Maybe we are just more alike. Dear sons, what do you think?»
Peter Schneider
No, certainly not. There must also be unspoken things between parents and children. The children probably realise this even without such a confession. Maybe it's the other way round with your wife, in which case you're lucky. In addition, children are very familiar with the situation of not being equally close to their parents. You should at least make sure that no real disadvantage or favouritism arises from the unequal feelings. A little conscious compensation can do no harm.
Our team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 51, is editor-in-chief of magazines and member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
Tonia von Gunten, 42, is a parenting coach, educator and author. She runs elternpower.ch, a programme that aims to bring fresh energy into families and strengthen parents in their relationship skills. Tonia von Gunten is married and the mother of two children, 9 and 6.
Peter Schneider, 62, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
Do you have a question?
In this section, experts answer YOUR questions about parenting and everyday life with children. Send an e-mail to: redaktion(at)fritzundfraenzi.ch
More questions from parents:
"Help, there's a lot of arguing in our son's class!" How should I react?
"Help, my daughter's girlfriend is extremely jealous!"What can I do?
"Help, our daughter stands in front of the mirror for hours!"What can we do?
This text was originally published in German and was automatically translated using artificial intelligence. Please let us know if the text is incorrect or misleading: feedback@fritzundfraenzi.ch
