Have more understanding - for yourself!

Living with children can be frustrating for parents at times. Sometimes parents «confess» to me that they had imagined family life to be so wonderful and now hardly recognise themselves. They shout at their defiant toddler and despise themselves for it. They put a lot of pressure on the eleven-year-old to do her homework, even though they had sworn not to do it. When dealing with the fifteen-year-old, they don't see themselves as the relaxed mum or the father who is willing to talk to them that they would like to be. But how can this be changed?

Have a little more understanding

«Why did I do that?», «Now I'm ticked off again - I just can't control it!», «Why can't I do it? Other parents can do it too!». Many parents, especially mums, really beat themselves up after a tantrum. However, a guilty conscience only leads to even more pressure and stress and doesn't make it any easier for you to behave differently in future. Therefore, have a little more understanding - for yourself!

Instead of thinking about what we did «wrong», we could consider how we would like to react next time.

This does not mean that you justify your behaviour. Show compassion when you talk to yourself. You could say something like this to yourself: «Okay, it's not okay to shout at your child. It's happened now and it's no good beating myself up for it. I think I'm just tired and stressed. It's really all down to me at the moment.» You can imagine being your best friend who just gives you a hug and shows you: I can relate!

Get your frustrations off your chest

There are numerous studies that show that we feel much better when we grab a piece of paper or a laptop and write down everything that is bothering us. Test subjects who wrote about their stresses and negative feelings for 15 minutes twice a week for several weeks became happier and more balanced. Stress levels decreased and there were even positive effects on the immune system and a reduction in visits to the doctor. When we write down stressful things, we gain distance from them. We realise that many things are less serious than we assume at the moment. We can also detach ourselves from it better, break out of the circles of thought and come to terms with what is there. As a result, we often come up with solutions to problems that we would not otherwise have thought of.

Think about how you would like to react in the future

Many situations that get on our nerves come up again and again. This has the great advantage that we can prepare for them. Instead of thinking about what we have done «wrong» again, we can think about how we would like to react in this situation next time. As a mum or dad, it's not unusual to be tired, frustrated and pressed for time. This cocktail makes it more likely that you will start shouting. At the same time, in this state you don't have the necessary thinking capacity to come up with something clever. Because we are so tired and stressed, we can't think very well, so we always reel off the same programme and feel ashamed afterwards because we have once again failed to behave differently. So wait for a moment when you feel good, relaxed and full of energy. Go for a walk or have a drink in your favourite café and take a pen and paper with you.

Have the courage to experiment in parenting. There is no one right solution.

Firstly, write down how you currently react - there may already be some good solutions among them. Then start brainstorming and look for additional possibilities. What could you say to yourself to stay calm? How could you respond to the child? Make sure you also put some crazy solutions on paper. For example: If my son is in a really bad mood during homework and snaps at me, then ....

• I threaten him that without good grades he won't have a chance later!
• I say: «Don't you think I have anything better to do than help you with your homework?»
• I say in a calm tone: «Now it's getting unproductive - I'm going to do my emails. Call me when we can continue.»
• I think: «Threatening and scolding is useless. Let him do it, make yourself a cup of tea and come down!»
• I say: «Fine, then don't do it, just tear up the assignment sheet calmly» and smile at him.

Parents often realise after a few minutes of writing them down that they are choosing the very worst option under pressure (such as the first two examples). Choose one of your suggestions that you would like to try out. Write it down and visualise the situation in your mind. If the new solution is helpful, keep it - otherwise try another suggestion. Parenting is more fun when you experiment a little.

Involve your child

If you would like your child or young person to change, it is worth taking a good moment to think together about how you would like to deal with the situation. First say what you want and then ask your child what they want. Perhaps you will find solutions that take both of you into account or at least represent a compromise that everyone can come to terms with.

Quick tips

• Under stress, you cannot think and always react in the same way. So think about difficult situations and possible reactions when you are feeling well and have time.
• Get your frustrations off your chest. This will give you distance and allow you to actively tackle problems instead of going on a mental merry-go-round.
• Have a brainstorming session from time to time - alone or with your child - to find new solutions and get closer to each other again.
• Have the courage to experiment in parenting. There is no one right solution. But if something never works, you should try something else.

Book tip

To the author

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 36-year-old is married and father to a son, 3, and a daughter, 11 months. He lives with his family in Freiburg.
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