Foster family: temporary parents
Five-year-old Yari lifts up his T-shirt and asks, almost a little proudly, «Do you want to see?» His scarred stomach is revealed.
Yari's scars are one of the reasons why his parents Karin and Thomas Bucher* decided to take in a foster child. The nursery school pupil had a severe hereditary genetic defect at birth. A stem cell transplant made him healthy again. However, the parents of Yari and his brother Neo, 7, did not want to relive the months that the baby had to spend in isolation in a tent in hospital, the operations, the medication, the fear. But they still wanted a third child. «But the idea of adoption didn't appeal to us,» says Thomas. «There's always a lot of money involved. We didn't want to feel like we were buying a child.» While googling for alternatives, they came across the Aargau Foster Child Specialist Centre. An idea was born.
«Babababa», babbles one-year-old Michael* and, sitting on Thomas' lap, enthusiastically flicks through a baby booklet. The little one has been living with the family since last summer. Before that, he had been with a temporary foster family since he was born. Karin and Thomas don't know much about their foster son's family of origin.
«His mother is very young, his father is unknown,» says Karin. There is no contact with his biological mother. That is rather unusual. Especially as, in contrast to an adoption, the family of origin hardly gives up any rights.
«The idea of adoption
didn't appeal to us, there's always a lot of money involved»Foster father Thomas Bucher
Parental custody remains with the biological parents, unless it is cancelled due to child protection measures and handed over to a guardian or the KESB. As part of custody, the right of residence also remains with the natural parents, the guardian or the KESB. The foster parents are only entitled to de facto custody and are responsible for the day-to-day care of the child. This means that if the family wants to take Michael on holiday, for example, or if he needs an operation, Thomas and Karin need his mother's signature. And this also means that Michael's biological mother always has more rights to her child than his foster parents. If she wanted her son back at some point and could prove that she can offer him an environment that is conducive to his development, his foster parents would have the right to be heard - but they never have a guarantee that Michael will stay with them. The family has to live with that.
Many children are placed in residential care
According to a 2016 survey by «PACH - Pflege- und Adoptivkinder Schweiz», a good 1.2 per cent of the Swiss population between the ages of 0 and 18 are in out-of-home care. Extrapolated to the 26 cantons, this amounts to around 18,000 children. Around a quarter of them live in foster families and three quarters in care homes. One of the reasons for this is that permanent placement with foster families is usually the last in a series of measures and many children are initially placed in a home.
Just like two-year-old Nico*. He lived in a home for four months before he came to live with his foster family. Corinne and Beat Wyss* regularly visited him there with their son Lorin, now 4. After six weeks, they were allowed to take him home with them. No sooner had Nico arrived than Corinne became pregnant. Nico has just stumbled over Lias, 1, who is sorting his Legos on the floor. Big tears roll down the little blonde's cheeks. Lias pulls himself up and hands Nico his dummy. «A lot of people think they're twins,» says Corinne.
It is generally recommended that the foster child is younger than the family's biological children. «This allows them to fit into a «normal» sibling line-up,» says Karin Gerber from the Aargau Foster Child Specialist Centre. «But there are always exceptions where things fit perfectly differently.»
Karin and Thomas have no guarantee that Michael will stay with them. The family has to live with that.
Nico was not only in particular need of closeness after his stay at the home, but also lagged behind somewhat in his development. He is now learning many things together with Lias. For example, speaking. «Daddy,» says Nico, and he stomps towards Beat. Papa. This word harbours some explosive material. Because Nico has a father. And a mum. Unlike Michael's parents, they are present in Nico's life. The little boy spends one day a week with his biological parents. The fact that he calls his foster parents mum and dad has caused some discussion. «We explained to Nico's parents that it's impossible to teach him to call us by our first names when Lorin and Lias call us mummy and daddy during his language development,» says Corinne. Nico now calls his parents Mummy and Daddy.
A good relationship with the biological parents helps
The family does not know much about the reasons why their foster son cannot live with his biological parents. However, the relationship between them is good, emphasises Corinne. «Nico's parents go to great lengths, asking us about everyday rituals, for example, which they try to integrate into his visits with them.» The most important thing: «We would never say a negative word to Nico about his biological parents. That wouldn't be fair to our foster son in particular.»
Michael's foster family agrees - regardless of whether their foster child will one day have contact with his biological mother or not. In response to a recent comment from eldest son Neo that Michael's mum probably doesn't love him very much, his mother replied: «On the contrary. She loves him so much that she wanted a better life for him than the one she could offer him at the moment.»
Seven-year-old Neo worries most about the fact that his little foster brother might not be with them at some point. She herself always tries to put this thought into context, says Karin. «Children are not our property either way. I will also have to let go of my biological sons at some point.»
Karin and Thomas Bucher don't see any differences in their emotional relationship with Neo, Yari and Michael. «Besides, not everything is genetic. I can definitely see similarities between the three of them.» Selfishness towards a foster child is out of place, says Thomas: «On the contrary. We would like Michael to have contact with his mum at some point.»
Some children return to their family of origin
There are no concrete figures on how many permanently placed foster children in Switzerland return to their families of origin. It is assumed that the average return rate is around eleven per cent, but this applies to all children placed with others. According to PACH, one third of children whose foster care relationship was terminated returned to their family of origin in 2016. A fifth were placed in a care home and 14 per cent were placed with another foster family. For a third, «other» was the case.
Nico packs his rucksack at home. It always contains the same things when he spends the day with his biological parents. They don't live far away, so foster dad Beat Wyss will drive Nico there. The handover takes place together with a family carer. At the moment, the two-year-old cries every time. This is not easy for his foster parents to bear. «But the contact is important for Nico and we very much hope that he will appreciate it later on,» says Corinne. When her foster child is gone, she will continue to keep his diary, sticking in photos and filing information for him. «Who knows what will happen in 15 years' time. Whether Nico will still be here, whether we'll still be in contact. This book is intended to show him part of his story.»
«Children are not our property either way»
Foster mum Karin Bucher
Lorin hands his little foster brother his rucksack. Is he worried that Nico won't come back one day? «No. Why?» asks the four-year-old. Things happen as they happen. And no matter how long his foster family will be a part of Nico's story - he will always be one of them.
* The names of the foster children and the surnames of the foster parents have been changed.
Families receive close support
In Switzerland, various placement organisations or associations look for and arrange foster placements. They carry out the clarifications for the cantonal authorisation and support the foster families from the very beginning. The process usually begins with an information event followed by a preparatory seminar lasting several days. Here, the families are informed by experts and experienced foster families about everyday life, needs and cooperation and practise dealing with conflict situations in role plays. For example, they need to know that there may be conflict situations with the biological children - simply due to the fact that the focus is often on the foster child -, visits to parents and authorities, therapies, etc. Or that by working with different people and institutions, you give up a good deal of privacy, which can always lead to conflicts, for example with the family of origin.
This makes it all the more important that all family members agree to the foster placement and that you also do something as a nuclear family from time to time. The organisation supports the foster family in their dealings with the authorities and the family of origin, conducts regular status meetings, advises and helps in crisis situations, for example if one party does not keep to the agreements made. In the event of a disagreement with the placement organisation, you can contact an external specialist or an ombudsman's office.
Foster families wanted
The Fachstelle Pflegekind Aargau is always looking for committed foster parents who would like to give children a second home. Potential families are given sound advice, prepared for their task and closely supervised. All information and advice via email info@pflegekind-ag.ch or by phone: 056 210 35 90 www.pflegekind-ag.ch
Becoming a foster family - what you need to know
The cantonal authorities are responsible for the placement of foster children. In order to be a foster family, authorisation is required. This is granted if certain requirements are met. These include, for example, health, resilience, parenting skills, sufficient space and a good reputation.
There are various options such as emergency, holiday, respite, weekly, time-out or permanent placement. In the last two options, the foster child's centre of life is in the foster family. They usually have some form of contact with their family of origin. Foster parents receive a salary plus additional costs for board, lodging and education. The amounts vary.
Books and links on the topic
Irmela Wiemann: Giving adoptive and foster children a home: Information and help for families. Guidebook, Balance 2014, 232 pages, approx. 16 Fr.
Heide Küpper, Ines Kurek-Bender, Susanne Huber-Nienhaus: Handbook for foster and adoptive parents. Pedagogical, psychological and legal issues of adoption and foster care. Schulz-Kirchner 2003, 269 pages, approx. 4 Fr. (paperback)
Vanessa Diffenbaugh: The Hidden Language of Flowers.
Novel about a girl who grew up in homes and foster families. Knaur 2012, 448 pages, approx. 12 Fr.
Foster and Adoptive Children Switzerland PACH
Swiss-wide contact point for questions about foster and adoptive children.
www.pa-ch.ch
Swiss Specialist Centre for Foster Families SFP
Networking, training and counselling for foster families and professionals.
www.fachstelle-pflegefamilie.ch
Read more about foster children:
- «Ein Pflegekind wird nie ein eigenes Kind sein»
Karin Gerber sagt, ein Kind müsse altersgerecht erklärt bekommen, warum es nicht bei seinen Eltern leben kann. Die Leiterin der Fachstelle Pflegekind Aargau über schöne Elternbesuche, widersprüchliche Gefühle und Loyalitätskonflikte. - Wie werden wir Pflegeeltern?
Jede volljährige Person kann sich als Pflegemutter oder Pflegevater bewerben. Welche Kriterien dabei zu erfüllen sind, haben wir für Sie zusammengefasst. - Pflegefamilien: «Liebe allein reicht nicht»
Wenn Kinder ihre Eltern verlassen müssen, ist das immer eine Katastrophe. Was in diesen Mädchen und Buben vorgeht, wie die Pflegefamilie damit umgehen sollte und warum sie gut daran tut, die leiblichen Eltern nicht von ihrem Sockel zu stossen, weiss die Familientherapeutin Irmela Wiemann.