Foster families: «Love alone is not enough»

Mrs Wiemann, you have accompanied countless foster children on their journey.
How does it feel when you suddenly can no longer live with your biological parents?

This is always a catastrophe, a deep cut in life - regardless of what the girls and boys have experienced beforehand. They feel overwhelmed and powerless in this situation.

They were taken from the family to make them feel better, weren't they?

Younger children in particular are unable to make this connection. They have the feeling that they have made mistakes and feel guilty. Think of six or seven-year-olds. They are extremely supportive of their parents and remain loyal, even though they feel deep down that mum and dad can't give them what they need. Even if the little ones have experienced direct or indirect violence, they feel affection and love for mum and dad as well as fear. These are contradictory feelings that we adults also find difficult to reconcile.

Is it less stressful if the children are taken away from their family at an early age?

We believed this for a long time. Today, we know that an early separation nevertheless leaves its mark on a person's biography. It has a lifelong effect on a person's personality. When a baby is placed with someone else, it not only loses its caregivers, but also its familiar surroundings, familiar objects and the smell of family. This early uprooting causes psychological trauma, precisely because small children cannot abstract by thinking.

How does this shock manifest itself when the children arrive in the new family?

Some children cry, clearly signalling how insecure and overwhelmed they are. Others act as if nothing has happened. This behaviour shows that these girls and boys have learned to compartmentalise their feelings from an early age.

How do young people experience outplacement?

Some teenagers report themselves to the child protection authority because they can no longer cope at home. Conversely, parents also come forward and say: "We can't cope with the adolescent anymore. Although this sounds contradictory, there are parallels: In both cases, mixed feelings are once again at play. Disappointment and anger alongside a longing for normality and affection. If a child rejects its parents, then it cannot love itself completely. It is a part of these parents.

«Children who have been separated from their parents want to understand why this happened.»

Can foster children learn to deal with their conflicting feelings?

Yes, children who have been separated from their parents want to understand why this happened. It is helpful to make them aware that their mothers and fathers are emotionally «damaged». They have often not learnt how to form attachments. However, you can only pass on what you have experienced and internalised yourself.

In what way?

I believe that most adults who have had their children taken away from them have been traumatised in the past and have learned to switch off their emotions. Emotions cannot be switched back on at will. Traumatised people often lack empathy for others. However, this is a basic prerequisite for the ability to care for children.

What do you suggest?

As soon as children and young people understand that their parents are emotionally wounded people who were unable to take on their role as mother or father appropriately, an important step has been taken. The anger can then be transformed into grief and something like «reconciliation» or «making peace» begins. Some of those affected take this step very early on.

Many foster children idealise their old lives, even though they have been demonstrably neglected and/or abused. How can this be explained?

They protect themselves from their pain by assuming that their biological family is great. And there is this social myth that children inevitably take after their parents. So if mum and dad are «bad», then I am too. If, on the other hand, the child puts the family of origin on a pedestal, then they themselves are also valuable. And at least some of their grief is alleviated.

«The surrogate parents are always dealing with a mentally wounded child who needs a healing atmosphere.»

Foster parents are often tempted to push the family of origin off this very pedestal. Is that wise?

No, because you are hitting the child. Why does it invent this ideal world? Because he misses his parents and because he has a strong desire for a «normal» past. Rather than trying to persuade him, the foster parents should take up his feelings. So when another story comes along in which the biological mother has cooked the most amazing meals, the new family could say: "We realise that you really miss your mum right now.

Many people believe that a child needs two things above all else from its foster parents: love and security. Is that enough?

I would go one step further. The surrogate parents are always dealing with a mentally wounded child who needs a healing atmosphere, a safe place where they are encouraged and challenged. The parenting recipes that worked for the foster parents' biological children need to be reconsidered. A timeout in the room can be seen as threatening. The new child may panic because they cannot be alone, or they may see not being loved as evidence.

What else do new parents need to consider?

They not only have the task of caring for the child, they should also give the biological parents a place in the child's life. This is an important signal: we respect your first mum and dad. And of course they can stay in your heart. There is room for us all.
Pictures: fotolia, zVg

About the person

Irmela Wiemann is a proven expert in counselling and supporting foster, adoptive and families of origin. She publishes books on the subject and organises training events. The psychotherapist and family therapist lives near Frankfurt. www.irmelawiemann.de

Read more:

In our June issue, we have a whole dossier on the topic of foster parenting. Among other things, you can find out how to become a foster parent and get to know several foster families. Order the June 2017 issue now.