Fears: The monster under the bed
The other night. A scream sounds from the children's room, then bare feet patter across the corridor. Shortly afterwards, the six-year-old stands next to my bed, feels my shoulder and says: «Mum, I'm scared, it's too dark in my room.»
I think of the night light that is plugged into the socket there and that my son called «baby stuff» before he fell asleep. Should I take him back? Show him that he doesn't have to be afraid of anything there? But before I've even got round to it, the child has already crawled into bed between me and my husband and fallen asleep in a matter of seconds.
We parents are tired the next morning. It's no wonder when you're constantly getting a child's hand or foot smacked or kicked in the face. «It's the fifth night in a row,» I think. «I hope this phase is over soon.»
At the moment, monsters are constantly romping around under our son's bed. Sometimes the wind sounds like a ghost. Maybe even like a witch flying around the house. Where do these fears come from , we ask ourselves. Has something startled him? A book, a film, a game with his big sister?
The myth of a carefree childhood
Such fears are not initially a cause for concern, but are «quite typical of the developmental phase that six-year-olds are in», explains Silvia Zanotta. In her practice in Zurich, the psychologist with a doctorate in child and adolescent psychology often works with schoolchildren and kindergarten children who are noticeably anxious. She is also familiar with the «monster phase» from her own children, who are now adults.
«From the age of three, the so-called magic age begins,» says Zanotta. The horizon of experience broadens and children begin to actively engage with the world outside the family. They play role-playing games with their peers in which they can fly or perform magic. «The boundaries between reality and the fantasy world are not clearly defined at this age.» The ghosts from the morning game can therefore become reality in the evening.
As parents, we long for childhood to be a carefree time. «Children have the same level of anxiety as adults, according to their age and development,» says child and adolescent psychiatrist Michael Schulte-Markwort from Hamburg.
Some children are afraid of very specific situations or things, such as thunderstorms or dogs. Others have social anxieties and worry about not being liked. Sometimes children also overinterpret something they have picked up in the meantime. Michael Schulte-Markwort gives two examples: «There was a fire in the neighbouring village. Maybe the firebug will appear in our neighbourhood tonight? And a crocodile has escaped from the zoo. What if it comes to us?»
Fear does not disappear by talking the child out of it.
Udo Baer, pedagogue
I remember the story of a friend: Her daughter suddenly hid all her pictures under her bed in the evening. Later, the five-year-old wouldn't go to sleep under any circumstances. It took a long time for my friend to find out the cause: The girl had overheard a conversation in which her parents had been talking about a museum burglary. Now she was afraid that the burglar might break into their house too.
How do you react in a moment like that? My girlfriend was tired. She would have liked to put an end to it and said: «That's rubbish. He's not coming here. Go to sleep now.» But she realised that she couldn't deal with her daughter's fear with adult reason. So instead, together with the five-year-old, she invented a burglar trap, stretching a string in front of the door and window that would catch a thief. So simple, so effective.
Taking fears seriously
«Parents would do well not to trivialise their children's fears,» says Udo Baer, therapist and qualified educationalist. The health scientist has been researching children's fears for decades. In his guidebook «When Oskar is scared», he gives tips on how to deal with children's fears.
He considers phrases such as «Pull yourself together» or «You don't need to be afraid» to be counterproductive. «Feelings can't simply be talked away. It doesn't make the fear go away. But it also gives the child the impression that their feelings are wrong.» This can have fatal consequences: The child learns to interpret their fear correctly.
Phobias and fears in childhood can be treated well and successfully.
«Fear is an important warning system that has the function of protecting us,» says Udo Baer. If you are not afraid enough, you put yourself in danger. During the last Räbeliechtli parade at our kindergarten, one toddler was so excited and so unafraid of the dark that he ran off unnoticed into the forest. Almost 50 parents shouted loudly in search of him. Just before we were about to call the police, we spotted him again in a clearing, where he was happily singing «Lantern, Lantern».
Children need to learn from their parents when caution is helpful. And they need to develop strategies with them on how to deal with fears. «The first step is to remember your own childhood and try to reverse roles, to ask yourself: What does the situation look like from my child's perspective?» advises child psychiatrist Michael Schulte-Markwort.
When children feel seen and understood, it relaxes the situation. Then you can try to talk about their dark ideas. On the one hand, because the children learn to name their feelings. On the other hand, because the parents can find out what is behind the despondency. A figment of the imagination? Or a concrete situation such as saying goodbye in the morning?
I still remember the time when my then four-year-old daughter burst into tears as soon as we entered the kindergarten. My girl clutched her fingers around me, shouted «Don't leave me alone» and the teacher said «Now go quickly». Outside on the street, I was often drenched in sweat and on the verge of tears. Sometimes I would get a call in the office: «She was happy again after just three minutes.» When I picked her up in the afternoon, my daughter would grumble at me for coming so early. The drama repeated itself the next morning and went on like this for a few weeks.
Sometimes they just disappear
«30 per cent of all children develop at least temporary separation anxiety during their time at kindergarten. This doesn't have to happen during the familiarisation period, but can also occur completely unexpectedly after a year,» says Michael Schulte-Markwort. There is very rarely a deep-seated problem behind this. On the contrary, many children are particularly aware of the value of the parent-child relationship at this moment and are afraid of loss.
For parents, the pain of separating from their child is also difficult to bear. Some therefore try to slip away in an unnoticed moment. However, leaving without consciously saying goodbye tends to increase the children's fear of loss. «In such situations, they need an explanation and a clear agreement, such as "I'm going to work now and will definitely pick you up again afterwards», says paedagogue Udo Baer.
If the anxiety is restricting you in everyday life and remains constant, you should seek help.
Silvia Zanotta, psychologist
These separation dramas usually end at some point, and other anxieties sometimes disappear so suddenly that you wonder what the solution was. The answer is that the child has learnt to deal with the situation.
For a few, however, the fear remains. One of my son's best friends has been panicking for years as soon as he even sees a dog from a distance. He freezes, screams and wants to be hugged by his parents. This phobia has been with him since he was able to walk. Now he can no longer attend birthdays if there is a dog there - not even if the animal is locked away. He stayed at home on a kindergarten outing to a farm. All places where a dog might turn up are off limits.
Dealing with fears
«If an anxiety is such a restriction in everyday life and remains constant, you should seek professional support,» says Silvia Zanotta, who also works with adult patients in her practice, some of whom have been traumatised by childhood anxieties. «Anxiety disorders that are not treated usually get worse.» The majority of adults who suffer from social anxiety have already struggled with these problems as a child, says the therapist and author.
«Fears and anxiety disorders are the most common problems and illnesses in childhood,» says child psychiatrist Michael Schulte-Markwort. «Around ten per cent of children suffer massively from their fears.» He has not observed an increase in these problems.
What has changed, however, is how it is dealt with. For a long time, a conspicuously anxious child was seen as a nuisance, something that the family had to get under control. It was correspondingly unpleasant for parents when they had to admit their supposed failure. Today, most parents would react more openly and sensitively to their children's worries and fears.
If a child shows such a pronounced fear as the boy with the dog phobia, for example, the point has been reached at which a professional should be called in despite all parental involvement. Otherwise the fear becomes a self-perpetuating factor and becomes entrenched: the affected families avoid many situations in which their child might be afraid and go easy on them. As parents, they are ultimately in the role of protector. However, so-called «exposure treatment», in which a patient is slowly familiarised with the fear-inducing element, should only be carried out by a trained therapist.
Typical fears at kindergarten and primary school age
- Separation anxiety: Children from the age of one to six can be afraid of being separated from their mother or father, especially in an unfamiliar environment. This fear occurs to a greater or lesser extent.
- Fear of darkness and monsters: From the age of three or four, children are in the «magic phase». At night, they are often afraid of threatening creatures and of the dark in general.
- Animal phobias: Fear of dogs or cats is a very common form of fear and usually occurs from the age of three.
- Environmental fears: From the age of six, children are afraid of catastrophes, wars and crime. They often transfer news from everyday life or television to their everyday life.
- Social anxiety and fear of illness: These forms of anxiety become more prevalent from the end of the sixth year of life.
- Performance anxiety: The fear of failure or exams begins in primary school.
(Source among others: Professional associations and specialist societies for psychiatry, child and adolescent psychiatry, psychotherapy, psychosomatics, neurology and neurology from Germany and Switzerland)
«Phobias and fears in childhood can be treated well and successfully,» says Silvia Zanotta. The therapy also supports the whole family: the parents are coached to strengthen their daughter's or son's self-confidence. It is also about changing «well-meaning but overprotective attitudes of the parents». Michael Schulte-Markwort hopes that the reluctance to seek psychological counselling for anxiety disorders will continue to diminish in the future. «We prefer it when parents come in early, when we can say that there is no cause for concern and that the anxiety will subside.»
By the way, peace and quiet has returned to our house at night. Recently, my son was allowed to spend the night at nursery school for the first time. We had practised how he can calm down alone in his bed, hung up dream catchers and made little monster eaters. I still had my doubts as to whether he would manage the sleepover. But when I picked him up the next day, he was beaming with pride. He had comforted a little girl and forgotten all about his own excitement. So now the monsters and ghosts in my son's room have moved out again. Just as suddenly as they had moved in before.
