Family in different time zones, how does that work?

In our series «We ask ourselves ...», we at Fritz+Fränzi ask each other questions from the big family universe. Dominique Binder from the publishing house administration department answers the question posed by Thomas Schlickenrieder , Managing Director of the Stiftung Elternsein foundation.

«Dear Thomas, your son is going to college in the USA. How did you deal with the separation?»

Dominique Binder, Publishing Assistant

Dear Dominique, I never wanted to write about this, but it's a chance for me to sort things out in my head. Because it's not that simple. I confess: it's a hell of a ride.
Our son has been studying at a prestigious university in the USA since August 2018. He plays competitive sport there and is a member of the college team in Division A, the highest college league in the USA. It is his lifelong dream.
The five years before that, he studied and trained at Davos Sports High School and usually spent weekends at his parents' house. Well, I thought, he's already been away most of the time now, so there won't be any big changes for us.

The USA option had been a topic of discussion in the family for some time. Challenging sporting qualifications, the exams and all the administrative hurdles and preparations had been on our minds for a year or two before he left. So we had all the time in the world to prepare.
I remember the day I received the acceptance letter from the USA very well. I could hardly believe it, I was overwhelmed. It was an indescribable moment watching our son. The door to the world opened for him in those seconds, he was determined. He has many friends here, his whole sporting environment, he is firmly rooted. And yet you could feel his absolute determination, his satisfaction, his spirit of optimism. That touched and impressed me in equal measure. How can a 19-year-old person be so clear, so focussed? And yes, of course I was also proud.

The day came. I accompanied our son to support him during the first few days at his new place of residence; there was a lot to organise. When we said goodbye in Zurich-Kloten, I marvelled at my wife as she said her farewells with composure and shining eyes. I already knew there that I wouldn't succeed.
We moved into the university near Washington, his home for the next four years, and took care of what still needed to be done. The next day we met his roommates and team mates.
Then came the moment. It was raining. Saying goodbye to my son was the saddest moment of my life. I can't express in words how deeply it affected me to leave our son there. Did my wife agree to me really leaving him behind? Is it responsible? Will I see him again? I had completely misjudged the situation, it was nothing like Davos, I now realised. We said our goodbyes.

I can't explain rationally why I shed tears as a father. My wife and I fulfilled a lifelong dream for him, he was absolutely in agreement, determined, happy. The atmosphere at the university was indescribably positive, full of energy.
It was the realisation that hit me with full force that something would change irrevocably and definitively at that very moment. From one moment to the next. It shakes you up.

The subsequent car journey northwards from the university was tough. I did something that my heart was resisting. My mind took over and my heart bled. With every mile, I realised more and more that it was final.
I spent the following days in New England, saying goodbye in instalments . In case he needed anything else, I told myself. Of course he didn't need anything. I spent a few meditative and lonely but beautiful days on the east coast of the USA before I left for good.

Our son, like our daughter, is an extremely kind person. Thanks to Skype, we are close and keep in regular contact. He's doing extremely well in sport and school has been great so far. He has found a new girlfriend, she is a member of the US national team. He is assimilated and happy.
Since our son has been living in the USA, I have only really realised the basic or fundamental importance of being a parent in his dimension.
Here is a quote from J. W. Goethe:

"It's not enough to know - you also have to apply.
It's not enough to want - you also have to do."

The task of parents is to help their children take flight. To prepare them for an independent life, depending on their circumstances and prerequisites, and then to encourage them to take off and fly. This is called letting go.

I was always an overprotective father. Excuse me, the managing director of the Stiftung Elternsein? Yes. Unfortunately for our children. And I didn't learn much, which is why it was so hard for me to say goodbye.
When I said goodbye last August, I thought to myself, maybe I'll never see him again, maybe something will happen to him. When I'm asleep, he's travelling somewhere with his team. I have no idea what he's going through at the moment, I can't help him, I can't stand by him. Have we taken leave of our senses? In the meantime, I sleep well. Most of the time.
We now have our rituals. We Skype, chat, chat, laugh, cross our fingers. We send each other messages and pictures at any time of day or night. I can't imagine if we had to exchange messages via stamps.
Sometimes I feel ashamed. When we said goodbye last August, I experienced a touch of what parents go through when they lose a child forever. I put on a huge theatre, other people actually have reason to shed tears.
When I think about our son today, which I do every day, it fills me with joy because I know he is happy. This allows me to reduce the pain of separation to a bearable level.

Saying goodbye in ten phases:

How I experienced the farewell in ten phases:

In den ersten Wochen oder Monaten waren der Trennungsschmerz und die Angst um unseren Sohn allgegenwärtig. Die Ablösung der Kinder vom Elternhaus erfolgt in aller Regel sukzessive, oft bleiben Kinder und Eltern auf Tuchfühlung in Bezug auf die räumliche Distanz. Geht es von einem Moment auf den anderen, und ist die räumliche Distanz zudem von ozeanischer Weite, ist auch der Schock für die Daheimgebliebenen grösser.
Nachdem sich meine Befürchtungen und die unbegründete Angst nicht erfüllt haben, habe ich mich mehr und mehr beruhigt. Dabei wurden Erinnerungen wach, als unser neugeborener Sohn mit meiner Gattin nach Hause kam und wir hilflos und panisch um unser Baby gewuselt sind. Die erste Nacht zu Hause benahm ich mich wahrscheinlich wie der grösste Idiot. 20 Jahre später tue ich es erneut. Nichts gelernt.
Die Zuversicht, dass er die kommende Nacht womöglich ebenfalls überleben wird, stimmt mich so hoffnungsvoll, dass ich froh bin, dass er in Amerika ist und dort seinen Traum verwirklichen kann.
Es normalisiert sich, insbesondere auch der digitalen Medien wegen, welche die räumliche Distanz entscheidend verkürzen. Wir freuen uns mit ihm über seine Erfolge und seine Erlebnisse.
Ich denke sehr oft an Eltern, die ein Kind verloren haben. Dass ihr Kind nicht mehr nach Hause kommt. Oft fliessen Tränen in solchen Momenten.
Ich bin dankbar, stolz. Die gute Situation unseres Sohns bereitet mir Freude.
Trotz allem, ganz entspannt bin ich nicht, das muss ich noch lernen.
Wir achten darauf, dass unsere Tochter nicht überkompensieren muss. Unsere Tochter ist unsicher, ob sie den USA-Aufenthalt ihres Bruders gut finden soll, das wechselt auch ab. Sie hat nun die ganze Aufmerksamkeit ihrer Eltern für sich, und das ist manchmal wünschenswert, manchmal lästig. Beim gemeinsamen Essen fehlt er ihr jedoch schon, und beim Mario Kart fahren ist auch niemand da, der ihr ernsthaft Konkurrenz macht.
Unsere beiden alten Katzen liegen sehr oft im Zimmer unseres Sohns. Offenbar vermissen sie ihn ebenfalls und kompensieren seine Abwesenheit durch die Anwesenheit seines Geruchs (dabei liegen keine alten Socken mehr herum).
Es sind Semesterferien. Unser Sohn ist nach Hause gekommen und wird die kommenden drei Monate in der Schweiz verbringen. Im Sommer möchte er uns seine neue Freundin vorstellen, die uns besuchen kommt.

I am grateful.

The next question goes to Claudia Landolt, head writer at Fritz+Fränzi:

«Dear Claudia, you have five little and big men at home with constantly growling stomachs. How do you get round the daily pasta trap?»

The answer has now been published:

What to cook for four greedy boys? The answer from Claudia Landolt.

Previously published in the series «We ask ourselves ...»:

Editor-in-chief Nik Niethammer answers the question: Dear Nik, do your children still believe in Father Christmas and the Christ Child?

Editor Florina Schwander answers the question: Dear Florina, do your twins get the same presents for Christmas?
Lead author Claudia Landolt answers the question: How does it feel to be a woman with five men and a dog?
Deputy Editor-in-Chief Evelin Hartmann answers the question: How do you manage the bilingualism of High German and Swiss German?
Patrik Luther, Deputy Publishing Director, answers the question: What is it like when the children have a big age difference?
Florian Blumer, Head of Production, answers the question: How do you manage to distribute work, family and household equally?

Bianca Fritz, Head of Online, answers the question: What is it actually like to work for a parenting magazine when you are (still) childless?

Sales Manager Jacqueline Zygmont answers the question: How do you let go when your son (20) is slowly fledging?
Sales Manager Corina Sarasin answers the question: What is the relationship like with your godchildren?

Publishing assistant Dominique Binder answers the question: What is it like to grow up as an only child?