Facing fear with courage

Fears are part of life. They can be helpful and protect us from real dangers and threats. But they can also restrict us, paralyse us and rob us of our zest for life and vitality. To prevent the latter from happening, children should learn to deal with their fears. Children are highly motivated to do so. They almost automatically look for situations in which they can prove their courage and face their fears. They voluntarily jump off diving boards, like to cycle at breakneck speed, balance over obstacles, climb trees or listen to scary stories. They also like Father Christmas because he's a little scary, they root for Ronja the Robber's Daughter or Harry Potter when they are chased by gruesome wild druids or the evil Lord Voldemort.

Danger of parents taking too much care of their children or overburdening them

However, children can develop difficulties in dealing with fears if they have unfavourable experiences. They can adopt problematic fears from role models. If Simon observes how his big, strong father is afraid of a dog and changes sides of the road, it is only logical that dogs appear to him as a threat that must be avoided. If Svenja's mother, who sees danger everywhere, prevents her from dealing with her fear, her world becomes increasingly threatening. If mistakes are punished by parents and teachers and Rahel is exposed at school, she learns not to take any risks, not to speak up rather than make a mistake, and to be ill at a presentation rather than expose herself in front of the class.

Facing up to fear

Fears diminish when we confront them. There is something very important to bear in mind here: Fear only diminishes if we have a good learning experience. It would be helpful for Rahel if she realised during the lecture: «Now I'm already less scared than when I started! It's not so bad! The teacher nods at me and smiles at me.» Daniel thought after his jump: «Cool! I've done it!» He was proud and celebrated. Children with severe anxiety in particular can quickly run the risk of parents either going too easy on them or overburdening them. Both intensify the fears. So how should you proceed if you want to help a child face their fears?

Leading the way with courage

We learn fears primarily through modelling. It is precisely this learning process that can also be used to learn courage and alleviate fears. Albert Bandura, who described the theory of modelling, showed as early as 1967 how strong the influence of models can be when it comes to overcoming fears. He had children with a phobia of dogs observe other children playing happily with dogs in a kennel for 20 minutes at a time over several days. The children had the choice of simply watching, approaching the kennel or entering it. On the fourth day, 67 per cent of the children agreed to go into the kennel and play with a dog!

Parents as learning models - overcoming your own fears

As parents, we can also utilise this learning process. Interestingly, if you are anxious yourself or have the same fear as your child, you are the best model. If a child with a dog phobia sees an adult who is not afraid of dogs at all, they are unlikely to benefit from this. The model is too dissimilar, a different person with different feelings. Tobias' case was different. His father overcame himself for the sake of his son and asked a friend to allow him to train her dog. The friend kept the dog on a lead and the father approached him in fear. Tobias watched him carefully and kept his distance. The father said: «Man, I'm scared - but I'm going to do it anyway!» He slowly approached the dog. Finally, he touched him. His heart was pounding in his throat. He stood still. The fear subsided. Then he said: «It's getting better.» He stroked the dog: «It feels soft. Look, he's happy.» Soon he could see Tobias take the first and then a second step towards the dog.

Small steps

How can you overcome fear? Daniel and his friends provide the answer: in small steps. Before Daniel ventured onto the three-metre board, he jumped from the edge of the pool, from the one-metre board and from the two-metre board - until he felt safe and it was time for a new challenge. If we want to help a child to face their fears, we can think about how we can help them to take small steps. What is the child ready for? What is their courage enough for? The size of the dog or the number of people listening to the presentation could be varied in the same way as the height of the springboard. Shy children can practise with people they are familiar with and first talk to a parent, then to their godmother, then to a friend and finally to an unknown person. They can gather their courage and order something from the bakery accompanied by their parents and then alone.

Recognising courageous behaviour

It is particularly helpful in the case of social and performance anxiety if you as a parent hold back on praising the performance. If you tell the child that they have «done well», you are focussing their attention on their performance - this increases the pressure and desire to be «good» and not make any mistakes. Instead, show your appreciation for his willingness to get involved in the difficult situation. Emphasise his courage and bravery.

That helps:

• Fears can be overcome in small steps. Look for a step that requires courage from your child, but is not too big.
• Rejoice with your child when they succeed in dealing with their fear.
• Offer yourself as a model by facing up to your own fears.

• Encourage your child to endure fear in small doses and emphasise their courage and bravery, even if the first step seems small.

The author:

Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 36-year-old is married and father to a son, 3, and a daughter, 1. He lives with his family in Freiburg.
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