«My mum is never happy when I tidy my room»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

I have to tidy my room every Saturday. And when I've finally done it, there's still an argument every single time because my mum thinks it's NOT tidy. She's never happy! But I just don't know what else I'm supposed to do. The worst part is: if she's not happy with how tidy my room is, I'm not allowed to go out with my friends. It's driving me mad! Please help me!
Mason, 14

Dear Mason
Your problem is a real ‚classic‘ among families. I can hardly think of a family where tidying up one's room isn't a constant issue.

3 parental viewpoints

Most parents cite the following three reasons as to why their child should – or shouldn't – tidy their room. And I can understand each of these three points of view, even though they are, in some respects, very contradictory:

• Some parents say: «My child should learn to keep things tidy and clean. One day they'll have their own flat, where they'll need to keep things tidy too. They must learn this now, otherwise they won't be able to do it later on.» These parents’ motto is: «You can't teach an old dog new tricks!»
• Other parents emphasise that the child's bedroom does not belong to the child. Rather, it belongs to the parents, if they are the owners. Or the flat belongs to a landlord. In that case, the family must adhere to the terms of the tenancy agreement, which require the flat to be treated and maintained with due care. That is why these parents want to teach their child early on that they, too, must abide by these rules. It would be disrespectful and costly to let other people's property fall into disrepair out of laziness.

The limit of tolerance is usually reached when the room starts to smell, mould begins to grow or pests start to spread.

• The third group takes a rather relaxed approach: they believe their child should be free to decide for themselves how they want to live in their own room. Their room is their private space. Parents like this pay little attention to what it looks like in there. However, their tolerance usually reaches its limit when the room starts to smell, mould begins to grow or pests start to spread. If that happens, even these parents suddenly aren't quite so relaxed anymore.

All three viewpoints are presented in a somewhat exaggerated way. After all, there are plenty of middle grounds between these two extremes where one can find a balance. It is usually all a matter of negotiation between the child and the parents.

From what you've described, it sounds as though your mum's main concern is that you learn to keep things tidy and clean. As for WHAT that tidiness should look like – your mum has a very clear idea about that. She probably hasn't made it clear to you yet exactly what she considers important.

How to tidy up your room

If this leads to arguments and a bad atmosphere in your house every Saturday, that's a shame and actually unnecessary. Because from what I can gather, you do your room duties conscientiously. Probably not exactly with enthusiasm, and probably not straight away either, but you always seem to manage it in the end.

I recommend you follow this approach so that your Saturdays aren't ruined by this issue in future:

Point 1: A clear list of all the things to do in the room

Ask your mum to list the most important things she expects when you're tidying your room. For example:

• Nothing is lying on the floor any more
• Dirty clothes in the laundry basket in the bathroom
• Clean clothes back in the wardrobe
• Rubbish in the kitchen bin
• Vacuuming
• Make the bed
• Ventilation
• Put small items in a box or drawer

Hang this list on your bedroom door or somewhere where you're sure to find it again next Saturday. Now you know exactly what to do. And your mum can check each item off the list.

Point 2: Motivation and starting work

Many teenagers can't be bothered to tidy their rooms. And that's why they keep putting it off for longer and longer – until there's hardly any time left to do it. They swear up and down that they'll do it the next day. Which, of course, still doesn't happen. You can do something to counteract this procrastination:

• Make tidying your room something you enjoy: listen to your favourite music on your headphones, have a piece of chewing gum, and vacuum whilst dancing, singing, whistling or whatever else motivates you.
• Set a timer: decide roughly how long you'll need to tidy your room. I reckon 30 minutes should be enough if you do it every week. Set the timer to go off for the first time after 20 minutes. That way, you can see what you've managed to get done so far. And in the last 10 minutes, you can really give it your all.

Point 3: Exceptions and second chances

If your mum isn't happy with the result yet, she should give you a chance to fix it without immediately forbidding you from spending time with your friends . You should then suggest a deadline by which you'll have sorted it out: either the same day or on Sunday. Now it's up to you to stick to this agreement – otherwise your mum won't trust you next time .

Point 4: Appreciation

I'd love it if your mum appreciated your efforts and praised you when you tidy or clean your room more thoroughly from now on.

Good luck!