«My mum comes into my room without knocking!»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

My mum just walks straight into my room, even though I don't want her to. The other day, I was just getting changed. She walked in without knocking and I shouted, «No!! I'm getting dressed!» She just laughs and says, «I've seen you naked before, when you were little.» That's completely unacceptable! I don't find it funny at all! What can I do to stop her doing that?
Tim, 15

Dear Tim
I completely agree with you: that's totally unacceptable! After all, you're not a little boy any more – you'll soon be a young man. I'm sure your mum doesn't mean any harm, but she doesn't realise that what she's doing is crossing certain boundaries.

Your room is your private space. Of course, your room is part of your parents’ flat or house, so in that sense it isn't your property. But even so, every teenager should have a space where they can retreat to.

Young people who are particularly upset are the ones who need a time-out during a conflict – in other words, a safe place to retreat to.

I can understand parents who don't want their son or daughter to be able to lock themselves in their room. And that's why they don't give them a key. After all, you really never know when it might be absolutely essential to get into the room: in an emergency, for example.

However, this does mean that, as parents, you have to make a point of knocking. And even then, many parents find themselves just giving a quick knock before striding straight into the room without waiting for the child to say «yes». Or they don't respect a «no» at all and come in anyway. Just as your mother did.

How to deal with privacy disputes

I often hear from other young people that, after an argument with a parent, they go to their room to calm down. Of course, sometimes doors get slammed because emotions are running high. Some parents are apparently unable or unwilling to accept this and follow their child into their room.

Even when a daughter or son asks their parents to leave their room, the parents sometimes stay inside. They want to carry on discussing the matter and see the argument through to the end. But that's not a good idea at that moment. Because teenagers who are feeling particularly upset urgently need a break from the argument. Otherwise, things might be said that one never intended to say. Or it might even come to physical violence.

Have a private chat with your mother and state your request clearly and calmly.

It would be better if parents let their child calm down first – and calmed themselves down as well. The conversation can then be revisited at a later time, when everyone is calmer and more objective. This is guaranteed to lead to better solutions.

Recognising and protecting your own boundaries

Young people need to learn to recognise their boundaries and assert them in an appropriate way. It is therefore important for young people to learn to say «no». And for them to experience that this «no» is also respected. After all, how else is a young man or woman supposed to manage to be respected by others or to stand up for themselves out in the wider world? This way of setting boundaries is extremely important for protecting oneself from abuse by others.

It starts with her saying «No» to coming into your room. As I said, I'm sure your mum doesn't see anything wrong with just barging into your room. It's obviously normal for her, because she is your mum, after all. She carried you for nine months, gave birth to you and brought you up. When you were a baby and a toddler, she naturally changed your nappies and bathed you, so she saw you naked in that sense.

But you've grown into a big boy – or rather, a young man – now. At that age, you have a certain sense of modesty, which is only right. And besides, as a teenager, you don't want your parents to catch you off guard at any moment.

What can you do?

I'd advise you to have a chat with your mum. And by that I don't mean shouting at her angrily (which you may well have done in the heat of the moment when she came into the room). Rather, I think you should tell her that you need to discuss something important with her, in private. This is necessary to ensure that any siblings or other people don't overhear.

During the conversation, try to remain completely calm and composed. This will show not only how seriously you take the matter, but also that you have now grown into a mature young man. Tell her that you no longer want her to come into your room unannounced and without knocking. Ask her to respect that.

Put a sign on your door saying: «Stop! Knock and wait!» That'll remind your mum of the new arrangement.

It's quite possible that she'll initially react with a lack of understanding and claim that you're making a mountain out of a molehill. But just stick to your request. Be sure to explain to her that, as a teenager, you'd feel very uncomfortable if you didn't have complete peace and security whilst getting changed, sleeping, etc.

To be on the safe side, you could also hang a sign on your bedroom door. Perhaps one that says: «Stop! Knock and wait!». It sounds trivial, but that way your mum won't be able to make excuses next time, claiming she'd forgotten your new arrangement.
Good luck!