«My parents treat me like a baby!»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

My parents treat me like a baby! I just can't stand it any more! They don't trust me at all; they always want to know what I'm doing or where I'm going. They won't even let me do things that my friends are allowed to do, like popping into the Coop after school to buy something to eat.
Elena, 13

Dear Elena
At 13, you're no longer a child, but a teenager. So you don't want to be treated like a little girl – after all, you're well on your way to becoming a young woman.

Whilst your physical appearance is visible to others, your inner life usually remains hidden.

These changes are shaping your appearance: your body is growing and taking on feminine curves. Your thoughts and feelings are changing too. But whilst the physical changes are visible to others, your inner life usually remains hidden.

Your parents are probably feeling the same way: they can see that their daughter has grown from a child into a teenager. But perhaps they don't realise that you've also become more mature and independent, and that you have a mind of your own. Because they haven't noticed this, they continue to treat you like a child.

They mean well and aren't acting out of malice. It's understandable that their protective instinct still gets on your nerves.

From toddler to teenager

The transition from child to teenager may well have come as a surprise to your parents. Did they miss the moment when they realised you no longer needed to be looked after and cared for like a toddler? In any case, they still see the little girl in you that you used to be.  

Your parents used to know exactly what you liked and what you got up to. These days, you'd rather go out, chat on your mobile with your friends or try out new styles. This change is unfamiliar to them – and it makes them feel uneasy.

Parents need to be a bit concerned in order to look after their teenage child.

But why should they worry, you might ask. Because they love you and want to look after you properly. So they really should care about where you are and who you're with. They certainly don't want you to use substances that are off-limits – we're talking, for example, about tobacco, alcohol and drugs. But even excessive use of social media can be problematic, as it can have a manipulative influence on you.

So parents do need to worry to some extent about looking after their teenage child. Parents are legally obliged to take responsibility for their child – right up until their 18th birthday. At that point, you become of age, meaning you're an adult and can look after yourself. But until then, your parents are allowed and required to decide what they'll let you do and what they'll expect of you. Usually, parents discuss these decisions with their child and come to an arrangement that suits both of them as much as possible.

But now back to your situation: you feel you're being treated like a baby and you want that to change.

How your parents treat you as a teenager

To achieve this, I'd like to start with you: please realise that your parents simply need a bit more time to get used to you being this age. They're most likely to treat you as a teenager if you show them how responsible you can be. That means, for example, taking good care of your school things yourself. Or taking the initiative to do your share of the housework without your parents having to remind you.

It's just as important that your parents can trust you 100 per cent. That means always being honest and admitting straight away if you've done something silly or made a bad decision. If you then explain to your parents that you realise your mistake, they'll see that you've grown up and are capable of facing the possible consequences.

Your parents need you to give them time and patience so that they can get used to having a grown-up daughter.

Rights and responsibilities grow in equal measure

Just imagine for a moment that you had a pet. Let's say they were guinea pigs. You know your guinea pigs inside out. You know what they like to eat best, where they like to hide and where they like to be stroked. And now imagine this: one day you come home and your guinea pigs aren't there. Instead, there are porcupines in the cage.

That would really take you by surprise, wouldn't it? And you'd first have to find out how to look after porcupines properly. They're actually just as wonderful as guinea pigs. They're fascinating and definitely different. It'll take a bit of time and patience before you know them inside out too. Your parents will need time and patience from you as well – so they can get used to their big girl.

At the same time, you could have a chat with them and ask them to let you do a bit more and take on a bit more responsibility. Tell them that you need to have your own experiences too, so you can grow up.

Suggest to them the areas where you'd like more freedom and the things for which you'd be willing to take on more responsibility in return. As you grow up, your rights and responsibilities grow in equal measure. I'm sure your parents see it that way too.

All the best!