Everyone else can too!

Stuff a few clothes under the duvet to make it look like someone is lying there. And then off through the window to the party while their parents sleep unsuspectingly. In countless films, teenagers take this route because their parents have forbidden them to go out. Who wants to stay at home when all their friends are allowed to party together?

Reality is not an American high school comedy. And the mass escape from the children's room usually fails because it is not on the ground floor. «But you can see from this example what happens when things are simply banned without dialogue: Then they might be done in secret,» says Daniela Melone, managing director of the national umbrella and professional association for parent education.

Friends are becoming increasingly important

Children have a mind of their own from an early age. What they want is often not what their parents have in mind. Nevertheless, parents are the most important guide for children for many years - whether it's about table manners, leisure activities or their choice of clothes.

«But as children reach primary school age, friends become increasingly important as caregivers,» says Kira Ammann, research associate at the Institute of Educational Sciences at the University of Bern. Anyone who regularly eats lunch or plays with other children at home realises that different rules apply there than at home. And that friends are allowed to do things that would be unthinkable at home.

Unlike toddlers with their defiant «But I want to», schoolchildren open a discussion by comparing friends.

This experience provides children with completely new arguments in arguments with their parents. «Everyone else can do it too, why can't I?» is a legitimate question that parents often hear from then on. Unlike the defiant retort «But I want to» from a kindergarten child, primary school children open up a discussion with the friend comparison. «And they also have the right to a plausible answer,» says Melone.

«But that's the way it is with us! Full stop.»

However, parent educator Melone often observes that parents then simply stifle the discussion: «But that's the way it is with us! Full stop.» Parents may be at peace after a sentence like that, but the child gets the message: I'm not being taken seriously, no one is listening to me. Next time, I won't even have to ask if my friends are going to a party and I want to come along. Maybe I'll just climb out of the window.

«It's better not to simply cut short communication with the child, but to listen to what exactly the child wants and why it's so important,» says Melone. She then advises parents to explain their own point of view («We're worried because you want to go all the way to this party on your own») and to look for compromises together with the child («Maybe you can go with a friend and she can spend the night at your place afterwards»).

Everyone else is allowed too? Not true!

«It may well be that you can't find a compromise and the child is still angry after the discussion,» says Melone. But at least they now know the parents' motives. «In order to keep communication open, I would offer at the end that the child can come back at any time and have the decision explained to them if they still don't understand something,» says Melone.

«Everyone else is allowed to» is one argument in such family disputes - but not the only one. «As parents, it's okay to scrutinise this from time to time,» says educationalist Ammann. If you ask other parents, it's not uncommon to realise that the «allowed» thing isn't true at all. Or perhaps it was allowed as an exception.

When the famous phrase is uttered, however, this is a good opportunity to reconsider rules and prohibitions in the family. Especially if it comes from children frequently, possibly coupled with the reproach: «You're always so strict!» Because children develop every day. Six months ago, they were still insecure swimmers who weren't allowed to go to the outdoor pool on their own, but today things can look completely different.

It makes sense to critically question the behaviour of others: where did the other families get this idea from?

Daniela Melone, Managing Director of the national umbrella and professional association for parent education

«Children want to show that they have learnt something new. They constantly want to prove themselves and are happy to take on responsibility. If they are given the opportunity to do this, parents can observe what is already working well and where they may still need support. They can see whether they can relax rules, adjust boundaries or lift prohibitions,» says parent counsellor Melone.

How much pocket money is appropriate? What time should the child be home? And do they really need their own smartphone at the age of ten? Even parents who keep a close eye on their children and constantly guide them to become more independent often find themselves in situations where they don't know exactly what the right rule is.

«The simplest and most humane thing to do is to see how other parents handle it,» says Melone. This exchange between parents is important in order to get ideas. However, Melone also points out that the rules of other families often cannot be copied one-to-one in your own family. «It also makes sense to critically question the behaviour of others: Where did the other families get this idea from? What is the attitude behind it? Is it generally recommended?» says Melone. After all, «everyone else» is also important for parents - but not everything is decisive.