Divorce is not unusual these days. Many children are affected. We sometimes underestimate how stressful it can be for them when two people who have built a family together become two separate parties.
You may now be wondering: how will the break-up affect my child at school? Keep a close eye on your child. Children react very differently to a recent break-up. Some withdraw, seem distracted in class or refuse to participate. Others become noticeably aggressive, disrupt lessons or seek validation very intensely.
Ideally, parents should proactively inform the school as soon as the child has been told about the separation.
Concentration can also decline dramatically; tasks that were once taken for granted suddenly become impossible. These behavioural changes are rarely deliberate attempts to provoke the teacher, but are often a cry for help or an expression of feeling overwhelmed.
What gives a child a sense of security
Teachers are neither allowed nor able to take on a therapeutic role, but they are trained in educational terms to recognise any warning signs. A good teacher will not bring up the subject of the separation directly with your child unless the child brings it up themselves, but they will let them know: «I can tell you're not feeling very well at the moment; I'm here for you.» The focus in the classroom is on maintaining structures and routines, which provide your child with a sense of security.
Ideally, parents should proactively inform the school as soon as the child has been told about the separation, or before the first signs of behavioural changes become apparent – just as they would with other major changes such as a move, the start of a new course of medication or a death in the family. A brief update to the class teacher makes it easier to understand the child's behaviour without the immediate need for a formal meeting. If the school requests a meeting, it is best for the child if both parents attend together – provided there are no compelling reasons, such as violence, to prevent this.
Whether the topic is discussed in class depends on the situation. The child concerned sets the pace. They should never be made to feel embarrassed. If they bring it up of their own accord, the teacher can address it in a matter-of-fact way. Bringing up the subject with the whole class without the child's consent is an invasion of privacy. The school's aim is to create an environment in which different family structures are accepted as the norm and where children find another place where they can feel safe.
Separate meetings with parents?
At some point during the school year, parent-teacher meetings are scheduled. It is not uncommon for us to find that, following a separation, parents are so at odds with one another that they can no longer speak to each other. In such cases, two separate meetings are arranged: one with the mother and one with the father.
From the parents’ point of view, this is understandable: they do not want to run into their former partner, or they wish to avoid any escalation. Apart from the extra effort involved – which is certainly not the main concern – it would be easy to organise having the same conversation twice. But for the child, it is not the same conversation.
My request to separated parents: Please put your differences aside during the school-parent meeting – for your child's sake.
Let's imagine a child sitting next to their mother during their first conversation. They talk about what they find easy at school, what they find difficult, and how they're getting on. A few days later, they're sitting in the same room again – this time next to their father. What should they say now? Perhaps they know that their mother sees a particular incident differently from their father. Perhaps they don't want to repeat something they said during the first conversation. At the same time, the same teacher is sitting opposite them, having already heard it all.
This presents the child with a dilemma: What am I allowed to say to whom? Who will I upset? What will my teacher think of me if I contradict myself? A conversation that was meant to support the child suddenly becomes yet another situation in which they have to cope with their parents’ separation.
Pull together for an hour
Of course, there are situations in which joint discussions are not possible or appropriate. In cases of violence, threats or other serious conflicts, other solutions are required. However, the conflict between the parents alone should not result in a child having to divide their school life into a «mum's world» and a «dad's world».
After a break-up, there are already so many things in duplicate: perhaps two flats, two toothbrushes, two different weekend routines. This makes it all the more important for children to have places that remain stable and familiar. School can be one such place. Here, it's not about their parents’ failed relationship. Here, it's about making progress with reading, about projects, friendships and social learning. And about the important realisation: although my parents are no longer a couple, together they remain my parents.
That is why my advice to separated parents is this: try to find a way to sit side by side for the important moments in your child's life. You don't have to like one another, you don't have to forget the hurt you've caused each other, and you don't have to pretend that everything is fine again. But perhaps you can manage, for the duration of the parents’ evening, to put your past relationship to one side. Not for the teacher's sake. Not for the school's sake. But for your child's sake.
