«Emojis cannot replace a conversation»

I tell

It is important to Sarah Pel, 45, and her husband Oliver, 50, that their children treat others with respect and empathy, even online. They have already made sure to lay the foundations for this in their early childhood education. The special needs teacher and business IT specialist live in Zurich with Jan, 19, Lars, 14, and Marie, 10.

"My husband and I have always agreed that we need to teach our children the basics of empathising with other people before they reach puberty. Not because we believe that empathy no longer plays a role in teenagers. But when I was a teenager, coolness was very important. That also plays a role with our two older children. It's not so fashionable to talk about feelings. They now talk to us less openly than their little sister. From a certain age, the active parental influence decreases quite a bit and it's good if certain behaviours and views are already standard by then.

When the children are very small, you're constantly paying attention to their facial expressions and their needs. At least that's how I felt. Conversely, the children recognised my emotional states. I often just talked about how I was feeling - long before they could speak. I would say things like «I'm happy now» and «This is fun, isn't it?». Of course, they realised that we as parents were responding to them. Later on, we also actively talked about how another person was feeling in a certain situation and what they might need as support.

«I often talked to my children about how I felt - long before they could speak.»

Communication on the internet is now a recurring theme. Both of our older children have their own smartphones. We have a weekly quota, but of course online gaming and chats on social networks play a huge role. As a result, there is less active dialogue between the children. Feelings are no longer observed in direct conversation, they are often conveyed in emojis. But how meaningful is an emoji? And is it really understood correctly? This approach can also mean a loss of empathy. We talk to the boys about the content online, we discuss what respectful commenting means and how to react empathetically. How does a girl feel when she is photographed naked without being asked and shown to the whole world? We have great confidence that our children have a compassionate view of this.

All three of them are often approached by their friends about issues of trust. The two boys are very attentive and sweet with their little sister. Jan, our 19-year-old, is also a scout leader. So he is involved in a pro-social group in which devaluation is not permitted. That is certainly helpful too."

Online dossier:

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This article is part of the online dossier Empathy Read more about questions such as: What can parents do to help children develop the basic skill of empathy?

Read more in the current dossier «Empathy»:

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    The ability to empathise is in our genes. But it can only develop in an environment where feelings and compassion are modelled. How do children learn to understand others, read their feelings and act accordingly?
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    33-year-old journalist Janine Schönenberger started talking to her sons Joan, 6, and Yanis, 4, at an early age about what emotional states there are and how they manifest themselves. This was triggered by emotion cards that her husband David, 47, had brought home from his work as a psychologist. The family lives in Emmen in the canton of Lucerne.
  • «My children are not afraid to show their compassion»
    Petra Ribeiro, 49, is a care specialist and currently works as a carer for marginalised people. Without empathy for their fates, she would not be able to do her job. The single mum also teaches this to her children Zoe, 11, and Jordan, 8, who live in Zurich.