Education and family - 24 questions and answers
The June issue is the most comprehensive dossier in the history of the Swiss parenting magazine Fritz+Fränzi: 29 renowned experts - Jesper Juul, Fabian Grolimund, Margrit Stamm, Philipp Ramming, Allan Guggenbühl, Eveline Hipeli and many more - answer the 100 most important questions about parenting and family life.
As a little taster, you can now read questions and answers 1 to 24 from the dossier: from mistakes to rewards to tidying up the room. You can order the complete booklet as a single issue here.
1. when can I as a mother or father say that my parenting has been a success?
Hopefully never! If parenting is a success, it's good for the parents, but bad for the children, because they have to be able to develop autonomy instead of realising their parents' dream. Parenting is not an expression of the parents' power over the child, but a guiding offer from parents to their children. We must not forget: Parenting is failure in instalments. But fail with dignity and elegance.
Philipp Ramming, psychologist specialising in child and adolescent psychology and psychotherapy FSP and President of the Swiss Association for Child and Adolescent Psychology
2 What can parents do to help their child cope in situations where they are insulted or belittled?
It is best to raise the child to be an independent and self-confident little person, who perhaps sometimes says that they don't care what others think. The more self-confidence and support a child gets from home, the better they can deal with such situations. This means loving your child unconditionally. Full stop. It's actually quite simple.
Moritz Daum, Professor of Developmental Psychology at the Institute of Psychology at the University of Zurich
«If parents pay for everything with a card, children can't develop a sense that money is finite.»
Natascha Wegelin, entrepreneur
3. how do parents teach their children to tidy their room?
Whether and how a child keeps their own room tidyhas more to do with the character of the child than with the upbringing of the parents. There are young people who want to have a tidy room from an early age and don't feel comfortable otherwise. Other children's rooms, on the other hand, literally sink into chaos and their occupants have no problem with this - a situation which, incidentally, is somewhat more common in adolescence, but does not actually apply to everyone. I recommend that parents don't argue about room rules, especially not with teenagers. If your teenager doesn't want you to disturb their privacy by tidying up, they should make sure they keep their room tidy themselves. At least once a month.
Sarah Zanoni, educational psychologist
4. should you argue less with your children and assert yourself more often instead?
If you make an agreement, you have to enforce it and help the child to stick to it. Parenting is not a feel-good spa, it's hard work. As a parent, you have to be able to step out of your comfort zone. This also includes facing up to the child's autonomous opinion. However, because we live in a world that sometimes leaves us disorientated, many parents tend not to jeopardise their relationship with their children. This leads to negotiating rather than demanding. In a conflict, however, empathy must be put on the back burner. Why do negotiations have to be cosy? What counts is the result, not the applause you get.
Philipp Ramming, child and youth psychologist
5 Rewarding is the new punishment, we hear. Is that true?
Rewards can be useful if used sparingly and correctly. They are useful if they are easy to distribute rather than based on a complicated points system and are only given for additional effort, for example for an additional task, and not for duties, such as homework. Rewards are useful if they are given immediately in response to the desired behaviour, are genuinely attractive to the child, can be easily discontinued and are gradually replaced by other rewards in the form of recognition, time together and enjoyment of progress, for example.
Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Rietzler, psychologists and directors of the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich
6 How do parents prevent their children from being raised in a gender-stereotypical way?
Different treatment of girls and boys often happens quite unconsciously. Girls are more often encouraged to do handicrafts or read aloud, while boys are more likely to romp around or play technical games. And since it is assumed, for example, that girls talk more than boys overall, a female infant is spoken to more than a male one from a very early age. This has implications for education: You shouldn't pass on stereotypes that you carry around with you without reflection. You can also discuss and question them with your children.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
7 How do you teach children not to burp, smack their lips or rest their elbows on the table?
Children have a right to an upbringing that does not restrict them, but enables them to continue on their social path without harm. First of all, parents should be good role models themselves: a father who snaps at his son with his mouth full, telling him to sit down properly, is a laughing stock. Parents can negotiate with their sons and daughters how things should be done at the table. And feel free to tell them that they are worried that others will not enjoy eating with them later on if they have not learnt the basic rules of behaviour.
If parents establish rules of behaviour together with their children, they are much more likely to be followed. Mums and dads shouldn't relax the table rules, but they should relax a little themselves. If they don't take the situation so seriously, they can also come up with very simple games that teach children how to behave at mealtimes. Little rhymes help, for example, if the child always spreads their arms while eating: «Elbow, elbow, don't be so naughty!» Then the elbow misbehaves and is reprimanded and not the child, who can then put his elbow back in place as the «determiner».
Elisabeth Bonneau, former secondary school teacher and author of etiquette manuals
8 How do I raise my child to be a considerate and emphatic person?
By setting an example. Children copy behaviour, so it is important to set an example. Developing values always means teaching values and living them.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
9. how do I tell my girlfriend that her parenting methods are no good?
It depends on the situation. If you're annoyed because your friend's child is visiting and behaving outrageously but she doesn't intervene, you can perhaps say: «I know that you want the best, but if you don't dare to take the conflict yourself, the child will have conflicts with others and these will be less controllable.» However, interfering in other people's parenting methods is always tricky. On public transport, for example, it's better to change compartments if a child is shouting or being too loud. It's hardly worth trying to save the world. However, if the child is endangering themselves or others through their behaviour, you have to intervene.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist
10 How important is my intuition as a mum or dad?
Intuition is a starting point for action. However, intuition alone does not get you far: you have to put it into words and supplement it with facts.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist
11 What can parents do if the child no longer talks at home?
I recommend two things. Firstly, you talk about yourself. The child should be able to take the initiative in the conversation. For example, when putting your child to bed, talk about your own day instead of asking about your child's experiences. Your son or daughter will start talking on their own. Secondly, don't be afraid of silence. Not every moment has to be filled with communication and action, breaks are good for the atmosphere.
So don't be afraid of breaks or «empty time» - both are good for the development of a personal relationship. Statistically speaking, only around 30 per cent of what parents say to children is in the child's best interests. The other 70 per cent serves their own self-image as a mother or father. This self-centred behaviour is okay to a certain extent. You just have to be aware that there are differences between children and adults and you shouldn't be disappointed if children don't react as if everything we try to give them is made of pure gold. Or to put it another way: children should be allowed to disobey from time to time. This is normal - in all countries and cultures around the world.
Jesper Juul, Danish family therapist and bestselling author
12. family therapists like to advise more serenity. How do parents achieve this?
By accepting themselves as they are, with all their rough edges. Making mistakes is allowed. Children are not harmed by these mistakes as long as their parents take responsibility for them. However, this is easier said than done - because our society is structured in such a way that making mistakes is undesirable. A person who has healthy self-esteem can deal with challenging situations in life much more calmly. Unfortunately, this self-esteem is not given much attention in our society.
not given much attention.
Caroline Märki, parent coach and family counsellor at FamilyLab
«It is often impossible to settle a sibling dispute fairly. It's more important to end it appropriately.»
Sarah Zanoni, educational psychologist
13 How do you talk to your children about the hardship and misery in the world?
Children today are exposed to a lot of world events at a very early age - via digital devices, newspapers, radio or television. They often learn more than is good for them. Parents can hardly prevent this. However, parents should take an interest in what their child is up to and ask questions. Children need guidance and often explanations from mum or dad so that they understand what they see or hear. Many topics such as cruelty to animals, war, illness or poverty are emotionally difficult to digest, especially for younger children.
It is equally important to take into account the individual sensitivity of the child. What is easily digestible for one child may trigger fear in another. Some children act cool and impassive in the face of the misery and horror in the world - but this can also be a form of psychological protection. Children are often more affected when something bad could affect them, such as a natural disaster, fire or burglary.
Sarah Zanoni, educational psychologist
14 How can parents talk to their children about God if they are not religious?
Parents can talk about God and at the same time admit that they are not sure whether he really exists. The more openly parents approach this topic, the more freely their child can form their own opinion and decide in favour of their own faith. In most cases, the child will adopt the belief or non-belief of their parents. Nevertheless, they should have the opportunity to decide for themselves what they think about God. To this end, they should also be able to experience attending a church service or praying.
At some point, they will also confront their parents with questions about death and what is or could be afterwards. Instead of immediately revealing their own opinions, parents could first ask their children about their ideas. Adults are often surprised at the philosophical conversations that can result. In general, children and young people are very keen to discuss these topics - they are very open, interested and also critical. Children often approach things in a much more playful and relaxed way than adults and therefore deserve to discuss them with us.
Sarah Zanoni, educational psychologist
15 How do children learn how to handle money?
By giving them pocket money, in cash. Many children hardly ever come into contact with cash. They see their parents paying for everything by card or Paypal, so they can't develop a sense that money is finite and that you have to save for larger investments. When children have reached their savings goal, I suggest that they physically take the piggy bank to the bank or pay for what they want in cash - this is the only way to really create a connection in their minds.
Natascha Wegelin, entrepreneur and blogger
16 How is parenting possible without arguments?
Not at all. Because children need conflict. It's exhausting and can also be hurtful - but it would be a mistake for parents to try to avoid conflict. Many parents are trapped in a desire for harmony. We owe our children an argument, even if they then throw an «I hate you!» at us. We have to put up with this and not let it get to us. The hormonal storm will subside.
René Borbonus, speaker, rhetoric and communication trainer
17 Should parents ban toy weapons from their children?
My son was very interested in weapons as a child, but I had banned him from having them because I was very pro-peace at the time. That's when he started converting everything he could get his hands on into a weapon and I realised how pointless my ban was. Today he is a doctor and not the least bit aggressive. If a child likes to play with laser guns or weapons, you should ask yourself where this interest comes from. As a rule, this is due to the need to be respected and noticed. A child who arms himself wants to make himself a head taller.
André Zimpel, Professor of Educational Science at the University of Hamburg
18. do parents always have to agree on parenting?
No, not at all. But you have to develop a routine for dealing with differences. Ideally, you define the areas in parenting where you take the lead and those where the other parent does.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist
19 How strongly should parents set boundaries for their children?
Setting boundaries is central to parenting and is part of a parent's job. You have to be able to put up with a child rebelling against parental boundaries, being frustrated and taking their displeasure out on their parents. If you have this ability, you don't need the thousandth parenting guidebook. However, a certain degree of flexibility is important when setting boundaries - you shouldn't set boundaries stubbornly according to an Excel spreadsheet.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist
«In some families, practising is a contentious issue like homework.»
Sibylle Dubs, music teacher in Zurich
20 How do I get my child to practise their musical instrument?
In some families, practising is as contentious as homework. While the latter is prescribed by the school, practising an instrument has a guilt component: «You wanted to play the harp!», «Do you know how much it costs to rent the piano?», «We paid for six months of clarinet lessons, now hold out this long!». There is not much to be said for such sentences. They reinforce the view that playing an instrument is something for particularly conscientious or gifted children. Parents should ask themselves: Why should our child learn an instrument?
To live and experience music, would be the answer of elementary music education. To give the child the opportunity to become artistically active on its own. So how does daily practice become music? By the parents themselves adopting this attitude and supporting the child. Parents should actively listen to their children making music. Sounds, no matter how wobbly and imprecise, become music when they are given attention. As a result, the children themselves listen to their playing right from the start, which takes on a completely different value. Follow three maxims. Firstly: Sit down with your child to practise. Secondly, be honest with your child. Thirdly: Reduce the duration and content of practising during crises. And: Practising does not have to take place exclusively with the instrument. Look at the music book together on the sofa and talk about the names of the pieces.
Sibylle Dubs, music teacher in Zurich
21 Should parents intervene if siblings are constantly arguing?
On average, siblings argue every 20 minutes. There are many reasons for this, such as jealousy, fear of being disadvantaged or losing something, for example the affection of their parents. Temperament, ownership between the children, position in the family and frustration tolerance also play a major role. Parents should intervene if the balance of power is very unequal and one of the children could be seriously physically or mentally injured. It is often impossible to settle a dispute fairly, because as a parent you have not witnessed everything.
It is more important to end the argument appropriately. In principle, it is worth practising solutions with the children and formulating criticism in such a way that the other person's integrity is not violated: Swap toys instead of taking them away or set up a toy box that contains things for both of them. In addition, each child is allowed to have their own things that they don't have to share. Arguing is a real learning experience because it teaches children to recognise and express their own needs, deal with frustration and find solutions - all skills that are also needed at school, at work and in relationships. Making it impossible for children to argue would mean not allowing them to learn how to deal with conflicts. Or do you never let your child handle scissors and knives just because they might hurt themselves?
Sarah Zanoni, educational psychologist
22. what is the most common parenting mistake?
That the parents lose sight of the children and their needs. For example: both parents have to go to work in the morning and the children have to go to nursery, after-school care or school. So everyone has to have breakfast, brush their teeth and get dressed on time. Depending on how quickly this happens, there are problems with the children: they dawdle around, refuse to co-operate or scream. It's actually about the children refusing to go along with the family's high functioning rhythm because they need more time early in the morning. The fact that the parents don't think about changing this system creates fear and powerlessness in the children, because it means that the parents don't recognise the problem. So the children shout around.
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist
23 The art of parenting, it is said, is not to take the child's behaviour personally. How do you achieve this?
If the child or teenager uses swear words to describe their father or mother, this is generally not okay. Parents should say this to the child calmly and clearly. However, this requires us to set a good example and not allow ourselves to be carried away by the same behaviour. As paradoxical as it may sound, scolding your child is always a sign of trust. A child's tantrum means that he or she intuitively knows that you are not going to stop loving him or her because of his or her verbal attack.
For comparison: Imagine you come home from work in the evening, tired and angry. Now you take your bad mood out on your partner. A short time later, the doorbell rings: it's a friend of yours. You are sure to be friendly or at least polite with this person. The fact that you only took your anger out on your husband or wife and showed your true feelings was only possible because you can count on the love of your partner. It's exactly the same with your own child. If you have a teenager at home, their brain is also going through a developmental process. This means that their social behaviour is taking a break. So it's not your teenager's fault that they are quite selfish and lack empathy. So please be patient!
Sarah Zanoni, educational psychologist
24 How much education do children need?
Children do not need any education. They are born with all social and human characteristics. To develop these, they need nothing but the presence of adults who behave humanely and socially. Any method is not only superfluous, but counterproductive. Children need a tailwind from their parents - that's what they say in Denmark. It means loving guidance, not reprimands. Children need as much self-esteem as possible. That is the
most important thing.
Jesper Juul, family therapist
Read the complete dossier - all 100 questions and answers - now in the June issue:
100 questions, 100 answers from 29 experts - the big dossier topic of our June 2019 issue. 38 pages. Order our magazine now.
Further questions and answers about parenting
- 11 Fragen zum Thema Medienkonsum
Darf ich mein Kind per GPS orten? Ist Handy-Entzug als Bestrafung sinnvoll?
- 13 Fragen zur Pubertät
Mein Kind kifft, was soll ich tun? Ab wann können Kinder alleine zu Hause bleiben?
- 10 Fragen zum Thema Entwicklung und Psychologie
Wie wichtig sind Geschwister? Was kann ich tun, wenn ein Kind oft schlägt oder ausrastet?
- 18 Fragen zum Thema Schule und Lernen
Wann ist eine frühe Einschulung sinnvoll? Wie lernt ein Kind zu lernen?
- 19 Fragen zum Thema Elternsein und Paarleben
Ist es eigentlich in Ordnung, wenn man sich für sein Kind schämt? Soll man den Paar-Streit von Kindern fernhalten? Und wie findet man Zeit für sich, damit es gar nicht erst zu schwierigen Trennungsfragen kommt?
- 5 Fragen zu Liebe und Sexualität
Die erste Menstruation – oder was tun als Eltern, wenn der Freund der Tochter zum ersten Mal über Nacht bleibt?
Eine Einzelausgabe mit allen 100 Fragen und Antworten gesammelt können Sie hier bestellen.