Do you have to freak out like that?

Her son goes completely berserk over little things, reports one mum: «It can be something quite banal: he can't get on with his computer game. Or we can't go swimming because it's raining and ask him what else he would like to do. Then he freaks out. Sometimes it's enough for him to feel that someone in the family is looking at him for too long.»

There are few things that can push parents and teachers to the limit as much as children who, for seemingly trivial reasons, fly into a rage, become aggressive and lash out, destroy things, insult others or bang their own heads against the wall.

The whole family often suffers from these outbursts. Parents feel helpless and ashamed, siblings are scared, classmates turn away and the affected child feels alone and misunderstood.

Anger as an expression of excessive demands on children

The child may have one or more diagnoses: ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, social behaviour disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder - or simply be labelled highly sensitive. It can be important to take a closer look at what is behind the outbursts. Nevertheless, the question remains: How do you deal with the tantrums?

The American child psychologist Ross Greene, who mainly works with families whose children frequently act out, has also asked himself this question. His work is based on a simple but powerful assumption: «Kids do well, if they can».

At first glance, this may sound logical. However, most adult reactions to children's tantrums are based on a different assumption: Children do well when they want to.

Whenever we scold, threaten, reward, argue, punish or work with logical consequences, we want to motivate our children to behave differently. We unconsciously assume that they just don't want to do enough. But if children can't, none of this is of much use.

If we as parents or teachers know which skills are not yet sufficiently developed in the respective child, outbursts of anger become predictable.

Ross Greene describes three skills that are often underdeveloped in explosive children: Flexibility, frustration tolerance and problem-solving skills. As a result, the children do not know how to deal with themselves when plans are unexpectedly overturned, when something is not as they imagined, when they cannot finish something, lose a game, cannot find a solution to a problem, do not understand something or experience failure.

The aggressive outbursts are therefore an expression of their excessive demands. In order to cope better with these situations in the future, certain children need significantly more support and training.

If we as parents or teachers know which skills are not yet sufficiently developed in the respective child, outbursts become predictable. We understand the pattern behind it and see that the situations in which the child acts out are similar and repeat themselves.

Ask patiently and listen

Together with families, Greene has developed a way to practise such skills with the child. The focus is on collaborative and proactive problem-solving. To this end, parents closely observe which situations regularly lead to outbursts.

Firstly, the adult waits for a quiet moment when the child is in a good mood. Gently and without a reproachful undertone, he describes a difficult situation: «I've noticed that we often argue when gaming time is over. Can we have a look at what's going on?»

The child is now given time to describe their view of the matter. They will probably say «I don't know» or «I don't know» at first - then it takes a little patience to allow a pause in the conversation: «That doesn't matter. I've never asked you about it so directly before. Maybe you want to think about it a bit more? We're not in a hurry.»

This step only works if we as adults really want to understand the child's point of view and patiently ask what exactly is making the child so angry. Perhaps the next day they will say: «My computer game is so exciting. I'm in the middle of it and then you come and want me to stop. Elias is allowed to play much longer, everyone is allowed to play longer, I'm never allowed to do what I want. You're always bossing me around!»

At this point, the approach demands a certain amount of discipline from adults, because it is not about arguing or convincing the child of your own point of view.

Instead, endeavour to listen further, take the child's feelings seriously and think more deeply about the problem. For example, by asking questions such as: «What exactly does it mean to you that we order you around?», «How is it that you think you are never allowed to do what you want?»

Finding solutions to anger with your child

Only when the child feels sufficiently understood and you yourself have realised what is making them so angry do you move on to the second step. This is where the adults explain their worries and concerns: «You're right, we often boss you around. And most of all, of course, when it comes to gaming. I'm afraid that if we don't tell you to switch off, it will become too much and other important things will be neglected. Then there might not be enough time to meet friends, pursue other hobbies or take care of your homework and studies.»

It is important that the solution does not come from the adults and that they do not steer the child towards a particular idea.

Once the adults have expressed their concerns, they extend an invitation: «I'm curious to see if we can find a solution together so that you don't feel bossed around and I still don't have to worry. Do you have any ideas?»

At first, there may be no feedback. Or the child only suggests solutions that fulfil their own wishes. As a parent, you can then say: «Yes, you would no longer feel bossed around - but my fear remains. Can we find a solution that works for both of us?»

It is important that the solution does not come from the adults and that they do not steer the child towards a particular idea. They should realise that they are trusted to find a good solution that everyone agrees with.

You might be thinking: «That's going to take ages!» But basically, it's not about solving a specific problem situation, but about our child acquiring important skills, consolidating them and learning to become more flexible, define problems more precisely, find solutions and put their own wishes and needs into words.