Do war toys make children aggressive?
Our five-year-old son has play figures with which he immerses himself in role play. We don't see him as a «problem child». On the contrary, we see him as open and kind. The children at nursery also get on well with him.
I once saw him there playing with two sticks with an older boy as if they were guns. I spoke to parents I knew about it and got all kinds of answers - from «Oh, we played cowboys and Indians when we were kids» to «That's not okay, you have to do something about it!».
«When he's angry with us, he forms his fingers into a pistol and says «bang, bang»»
Our son has a toy sword and a plastic pistol. Sometimes he plays with sticks as swords or guns. He shoots himself and says: «Now I'm dead!», only to come back to life a few minutes later. Or he asks us to play along, shoot each other and play dead. If he is angry with us, he forms his fingers into a pistol and says «bang, bang». Other boys in kindergarten do the same thing.
We have decided not to go into this any further for the time being. We believe that his play with death is an innocent and harmless form of play. He has no connection to death and never sees anything frightening on television. We think about this and also choose what he is allowed to watch on children's television. He doesn't watch the news with us, and his close friends do the same at home.
But once we had to intervene. He was playing with his game pieces, trying to cut a male's throat. My husband and I looked at each other and said: «Oh no, that poor man.» Our son replied that the man was a thief. My husband replied: «But that's not what we do to thieves. They go to prison.» Our son then put the figure in «prison». The next day, he pretended to cut his five-month-old sister's throat. My husband reacted immediately and said: «I don't want you to play with your sister like that!» Our son said «okay» and played something else.
«Where is the limit to banning gambling?»
My sister recently told me that her two sons, who are four and seven years old, act out bombings with the neighbourhood boys, kill their mothers with bombs and behead each other. She says that the neighbourhood boys watch the news with their parents, which reports on war, kidnappings and terror. She has now tried to limit contact with these neighbourhood children and has also set rules about what is okay for them to do and what is not.
But where is the limit to forbidding play? Which toys can we give our children with a clear conscience? They can't hurt themselves with toy guns and swords. And what about superhero figures? We don't want our son to become a violent offender.
Answer from Jesper Juul:
Let me start by saying that the way you and your husband have responded to the aggressive play moments so far is exemplary. Your son is learning from your feedback about his behaviour.
Historically, parents have regularly practised the exact opposite: they have violated children's boundaries by criticising them. Punishments, reprimands and violence were used in an attempt to teach children to respect other people's boundaries.
Aggression is a natural and necessary part of our emotions.
Jesper Juul
It is not said that your son is ready to experiment and research to find out what else is possible with a plastic sword. After all, swords weren't invented in the Iron Age to cut bread with. As long as your son is not controlled by fear and he plays openly, he will also be open to your objections.
When my generation had small children, war toys were categorically banned by many parents and educational institutions because they contradicted the ideals of pacifism that were in force at the time. People didn't want to know that aggression is a natural and necessary part of our human emotions.
A ban is absurd.
Jepser Juul
Fortunately, a total ban has never succeeded because children have found other ways and means of expressing the same thing. A ban is absurd. We could just as easily forbid children from expressing their sexuality, their joy or their sadness. The art of education is not about imposing bans. It is about guiding our children wisely and confidently - on the basis of universal human feelings that find expression in the culture in which the children grow up.
Your sister's dilemma is a good example of the global culture in which our children are growing up today. When and how children are confronted with reality is up to the parents to decide. Parents always have the power to choose their children's friends to protect them from perceived dangers. Personally, I would make a different choice, but it's like many other personal choices: they are neither right nor wrong.
Among other things, children process and integrate what they have experienced.
Jepser Juul on children's games
During my work, I met many traumatised refugee children who expressed their experiences through play or drawings. They need help for a long time, which unfortunately they rarely get - neither from their parents nor from society. The same principle applies to all children's games: Children process and integrate what they have experienced, among other things.
«It's not the toys that turn children into perpetrators of violence. It's the other people who do that.»
Jesper Juul
Your son is approaching a phase in which he, like most other children, is preoccupied with death. Soon he will be thinking about the fact that his parents may also die. What will happen to him, what will happen to him if that happens? He is lucky to grow up with thoughtful and loving parents. So he will talk openly about everything and ask his questions.
I don't think there is a good answer to the question about the right toy : as you describe, you don't need plastic guns to play shooting. There are excellent educational play materials. They are judged against other play materials on the market according to which senses they stimulate at the right age and what aesthetic value they have.
In my opinion, as in other cases, it is primarily the parents who need to think and be sure whether they can look themselves in the eye with a clear conscience. It's not the toys that turn children into perpetrators of violence. It's other people who do that.
Read more from Jesper Juul:
Jesper Juul (1948 - 2019):
- Children should learn everything about death
The grandmother is suffering from cancer. The illness is a great burden on the family. One of the children has nightmares and talks about the fear of dying. How should we talk to our children about death? And how should we deal with our grief and the grief of our children? - Take a break
Why children often don't do what we want - and why we should give them time.
Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible.
The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has influenced people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles. The founder of the familylab counselling network and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») was married twice. He is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.
Jesper Juul died on 25 July 2019 at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark.