Do children need structure?
Recently, the British psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry drew my attention to the research work of Joan Raphael-Leff, which I found so exciting that I would like to briefly introduce it to you.
For over 30 years, the psychology professor has been studying how parents, especially mothers, react to pregnancy and how they reorganise their everyday lives after the birth of their child. Two different orientations have become clear.
The first group includes the so-called regulator parents. They want to help the child to adapt to its environment by establishing fixed routines as soon as possible with the aim of creating a certain predictability for the child. They have the expectation that the child can be integrated into a fixed framework set by the adults. In infancy, for example, rules are laid down such as «The baby is breastfed every four hours» or «Bedtime is at 8pm». As the children get a little older, the routines and rules are expanded so that it is clear to the child what applies. «Homework is done straight after school. Then you can play.»
These parents often hope that they can avoid conflicts by making clear agreements («What are our rules? You know what we agreed») and that they can prevent the child from developing unfavourable habits that they can't get rid of later.
The second group comprises the so-called facilitator parents. It is also important to them that the child can experience reliability. However, their ideas of how this can be realised are different. They see it as their task to adapt to the child and are primarily guided by the child's signals and needs. For them, reliability means reacting flexibly and relatively immediately to the child so that they can experience it: When I'm hungry, I'm fed, when I need closeness, someone is there, I'm seen and heard.
Regulator parents hope that they can avoid conflicts through clear
agreements
avoid conflicts.
Parents with this attitude tend to hope that children will develop an inner security through these experiences that will help them to harmonise their needs with their environment. Later on, instead of general rules, these parents tend to pay more attention to personal boundaries: «I'm too tired in the evening to help you with your homework. Let's go and see if you need my help.»
Most parents tend to have one of these two attitudes, although the degree to which they favour one side or the other can vary and change over time. Perhaps you would like to pause for a moment and think about what examples of parents you can think of? Where would you categorise yourself? Where would you categorise your own parents? And what about your partner?
Creating a reliable environment
Parents of both orientations want to offer their child security, reliability and predictability. They want to give themselves and their child answers to the questions: What happens now? What applies here? Who can I turn to? Can I rely on the others? What can, may and must I do - and what can the others do?
However, the importance of regulated processes, routines, rules and agreements is always the subject of heated debate. But what determines how important a clear framework and a regular routine in family life is to us? There are many answers to this question. I would like to highlight three aspects.
According to a 2012 study by Roncolato and McMahon, mothers (fathers were not studied) who have a tendency towards being a regulator feel more stressed and insecure in relationships. Emotional closeness can also make them feel uncomfortable. They are often very concerned about behaving «correctly» in order to be accepted and avoid rejection and mistakes. It is therefore important for them to have clarity about what is expected and how to do it «well» or «right» as a mother. They want clear guidelines and rules for themselves and their children.
During pregnancy, they expect - as another study shows - that motherhood will bring a lot of stress, while the facilitator mothers expect fulfilment above all. However, once the child has arrived and they are able to organise and structure their everyday life according to their preferences, there are usually fewer problems than they expected - and they are just as satisfied with their role as a mother as the facilitator mothers.
The life situation often has a strong influence on how regimented and structured everyday life with children is. The more parents' everyday lives are organised by work or other commitments, the more they feel dependent on the child fitting into the given structure.
External circumstances
It is somewhat unclear what effect having several children has. Families with three, four or more children almost inevitably have to create more structure to prevent chaos from getting out of hand. Interestingly, however, the study by Roncolato and McMahon showed the opposite effect. With the second or third child, the mothers tend to be more facilitator-orientated. Perhaps they have developed more inner security and confidence as a result of their experience with the first child?
For facilitator parents, reliability means being able to respond flexibly and
immediately to the signals and needs of their children.
needs of their children.
My wife and I had a similar experience: for example, with our first child we were still unsettled by statements from the paediatrician such as: «At six months, the child should be able to sleep through the night» and wondered whether we were doing something wrong, but with the second child we simply looked for a doctor who suited us better.
Children also differ in how much security they need outside.
I can think of an acquaintance who places great value on spontaneity and flexibility and finds rules and routines rather tiring and restrictive. Her son, who has autistic symptoms, has forced her to completely reorganise her life. She once told me: «Everything always has to be the same. I almost go crazy. The same walk every day at the same time, stopping at the same places to look at the same things. It's the same routine all day long. If I want to do something different, he gets screaming fits, falls to the floor, lashes out or even hits himself and won't calm down until we're back home.»
What resonated with you as you read? Who in your family needs how much of what? Who quickly feels insecure when there are no external structures and you «let life take its course»? Who feels constricted and stifled when there are too many guidelines? How do you deal with these differences?
Fabian Grolimund
is a psychologist and author («Learning with children», «From procrastinator to learning pro»). Together with Stefanie Rietzler, he runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich. The 40-year-old is married and father to a son, 6, and a daughter, 4. He lives with his family in Fribourg. The best of these columns can be found in the new book «Geborgen, mutig, frei - wie Kinder zu innerer Stärke finden».
www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch, www.biber-blog.com
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