Cyberbullying: «When it hurts, I laugh»
She asks her mum Renata Weiss* to describe how much parents suffer.
My husband and I often asked ourselves: what could we have done better? We tried everything: talking, keeping quiet, confronting, mediating. Nothing helped. As parents, we could only go through this hell together with Laila.
The beginnings
It all started in lower school. Laila invited a schoolmate home. The two girls spent a lovely afternoon together. In the early evening, they went to children's gymnastics. The colleague suddenly turned round, kicked Laila in the stomach with her foot and insulted her in front of the other children. That can't be right, I thought. She had been so sweet all afternoon and then all of a sudden a reverse glove. We then contacted her parents. They didn't understand their daughter's sudden attack and talked to her. I felt the pain. It hurts when your own child is tormented.
Laila: The bullying actually started earlier. I joined a new class for organisational reasons. I couldn't make the connection because everyone was already in their groups.
«I only realised that something was wrong,
I only realised when Laila no longer wanted to celebrate her birthday.»
I didn't give it any importance. I only realised that something was wrong when Laila no longer wanted to celebrate her birthday. She was never invited to birthday parties either. Later, when my husband was invited to accompany her on a school trip, we realised how much our daughter was suffering at school. «I didn't recognise our daughter,» he said, «Laila was so quiet. And when she said something, nobody listened.» Laila is actually a lively child. She went to talks with the school social worker for a while. Not for long.
The teachers said there was nothing they could do.
«It just makes things worse,» she said. «The other children make fun of me.» The teachers said there was nothing they could do. Laila then did something. She fought back. One day, she hit back when she was beaten. A teacher intervened: she had the class form a circle, sat Laila in the centre and said: «I can't protect you if you hurt others.» She was so exposed. From then on, Laila developed a new pattern: «When it hurts, I laugh.»
Laila: I decided to be the strong one at school. I dreaded going to school in the morning until I was in sixth grade. I would cry myself to sleep at night. I didn't want to do that any more.
Bullying around the clock
When she came home, she was even angrier and more depressed. This increased as the class became more present in the family's private life. She increasingly used social media to bully Laila.
Laila: Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat. With Snapchat, you can upload a picture for 24 hours that is visible to all followers. You can also send pictures from a private chat, which are automatically deleted after ten seconds.
One day we were sitting in our garden when Laila said: «Mummy, they've just kicked me out of the class chat.» She rang the girl and asked why.
«I'm taking our daughter among the wolves. That's how I felt.»
The answer was short and clear: «Everyone hates you, that's why I threw you out.» The teacher said it was outside of school and there was nothing she could do. I persisted. For me, a class chat is not outside of school. So the teacher formed a circle again and put the girl in the centre.
Laila: It was no use. After that, everyone in the class was against me. I didn't know what to do, so I went to the toilet and cried.
We decided not to go to the police
The bullying increased. Comparison games were played on Instagram: Laila versus another girl. You could tick different things: who had more style, the prettier body or the prettier eyes. The crosses were rarely placed on Laila's side. A lot of people see that. It almost turned my stomach.
Laila: The same games are also available for other topics: Character, for example. It's cruel (laughs).
One Sunday evening, she received a call from a girl. «Hey, Laila, it's really bad! My parents are getting divorced. I need you.» Laila was shocked and asked us for help. «Write that you're there for them,» I said. Laila did so. Shortly afterwards, she received a message: «It was a joke. You're so stupid to fall for it.» Laila laughed. Jokes like that were part of our everyday life. Once a boy sent her a picture of a broken foot and pretended he was at the emergency centre. Another time, she received a threatening message: «Go and throw yourself in front of the train.»
We reported it to the school. The school social worker advised us to go to the police. We decided not to. We live in a village. People talk a lot there. We wanted to wait and see if there would be any more news like this. That was a mistake on our part. There were no more threats, but the terror continued nonetheless. Once I drove Laila to her violin lesson. Two girls greeted Laila in a friendly manner. As soon as she had disappeared into the building, the girls laughed at Laila. I'm taking our daughter to the wolves. That's how I felt.
Feel nothing more
Something happened this spring. Laila fell in love with a boy. We rejoiced with her. A happy child is one of the most beautiful things. The happiness lasted until the boy received a message from a girl in his class.
Laila: «What do you like about that bitch? If you keep hanging out with her, I won't talk to you anymore.» In the playground, I was told not to go near this boy. I wasn't allowed to look at him or think about him.
«The teacher thought that Laila was far too sweet. I think he was in over his head.»
She stuck to it. For the sake of peace. She kept the peace even when she stumbled and banged her elbow. The other children laughed. Laila laughed with them. When she came home, I could see from a distance that something was wrong. She came in the door beaming. There was a big hole in her arm. There was blood everywhere. I was horrified.
Laila: The teacher wiped it off and put a piece of paper on it. I didn't feel anything.
It was at the dentist's that Laila finally broke down and couldn't stop crying. I was also at my wit's end and went to the teacher. The teacher was completely flabbergasted. He hadn't realised the extent of the bullying. He had always regarded his class as a dream class. The next day, he confronted the pupils: «Laila is in a bad way. Anyone who thinks they have something to do with it stays seated. The others can go outside.»
Laila: Three went out. Everyone else stayed seated. Three or four were the leaders, the others were followers.
«In my desperation, I talked to a mum on the combox»
They expressed their displeasure at always having to talk about Laila. They explained that they had only meant it as a joke and were not serious. The very next day, they blocked Laila on her mobile phone again. In my desperation, I spoke to a mum on her voicemail: Please help stop this blocking. She never called back. The teacher was of the opinion that Laila was far too sweet. I think he was in over his head. We arranged a meeting with the school psychologist, the school social worker and Laila. The school psychologist led the conversation.
Laila: At the beginning, he said: «If you don't like it anymore, show us a vixen. That's how we recognise that you need a break.» He treated me like a six-year-old.
Laila got worse and worse
The psychologist spent an hour trying to find out what our daughter wanted. Then my husband tapped on the table: «We're trying to explain what bad things are happening to our daughter in this class. We're thinking about changing schools.» Then we would have to contact the head teacher, they said. We got up and left. We didn't know what to do. Laila was getting worse and worse.
Laila: I had lost weight, I was angry with my family and I was ticked off about little things. I often asked myself whether anyone would notice if I was no longer there. I didn't want to be anymore.
I rang the paediatrician. She wrote Laila off sick. She gave me step-by-step instructions on what I had to do: organise psychological support for Laila and me, inform the head teacher, look for a new school. Laila went to class one last time, accompanied by the head teacher, to say goodbye.
Breaking new ground
She now goes to a public school. Instagram has been cancelled. She switches off Whatsapp between 12 and 6 pm. From 9pm at night, her mobile phone is in flight mode. What frustrates me is that everyone talks about bullying, but no one knows how to deal with it. At least that's our experience. I wish something would happen. That's why I want to tell this story. Teachers, parents and children should be sensitised to the issue. The most important thing now, however, is that Laila is strengthened by this situation and can finish school without long-term injuries.
Laila: At the moment, I'm still angry and disappointed. But I can imagine that one day I'll be happy and able to meet my old school mates again.
* Pseudonym, name known to the editors
Cyberbullying dossier:
In the May 2017 issue, the Swiss parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi reported on the topic of cyberbullying in an extra dossier. Order the magazine: here.
Read more:
- Why does cyberbullying among young people turn into psychological terror so quickly? Social psychologist and cyberbullying expert Dr Catarina Katzer knows the mechanisms.
- Insulted, excluded, laughed at: bullying is a trauma for every child and young person - especially when it happens online.
