Cyberbullying: It was just a joke!

During my talks and workshops, I always feel a vague sense of unease as soon as one of the participants brings up the topic of cyberbullying. It took me a while to pinpoint the true source of this uncomfortable feeling.

There is no doubt that digital bullying causes devastating suffering for victims. However, I am concerned with something else in the following: for me, the mention of the word «cyberbullying» always carries a subliminal attribution of guilt. Boys and girls are accused of committing such acts with full intent. As if we were dealing exclusively with little sadists who take pleasure in other people's despair. I find that unfair.

False standards obscure the clear view

This can have dramatic consequences for the victims and sometimes destroy their lives. The victim needs help, support and protection.

However, I am concerned with a different aspect in this article: in a cyberbullying incident, educators and pedagogues accuse young perpetrators of recklessness, irresponsibility and immaturity. I think this is particularly unfair because caution, responsibility and maturity are the primary standards that we should not apply to children, but only to adults. Or, at the very most, reflective young people.

Most cases of cyberbullying are spontaneous acts or jokes that are not intentional.

However, this is not possible for boys and girls for one obvious reason: because they are children. Many children - offline and online - are rarely able to assess all the consequences of their actions because they have not yet learnt to do so. Some teenagers, on the other hand, should already be able to consider the consequences of their actions. At least in theory.

Premeditation or prank

There may well be young perpetrators of cyberbullying who deliberately want to cause others pain. This is completely unacceptable and must result in appropriate sanctions.

For me, however, there is a difference in the punishment as to whether intent is involved or not. In my opinion, however, this by no means applies to the majority of such incidents in adolescence. In the case of children and young people, it is mostly spontaneous and ill-considered acts or jokes. Girls are harshly insulted in the Whatsapp group, teachers are secretly filmed or a stupid photo of a classmate is posted with a malicious comment.

I don't want to justify this carelessness and naivety in any way, but perhaps we can gain a little more understanding of the motives if we think back to our own school days. Putting a drawing pin on a classmate's chair without him noticing was not an act of wisdom and prudence even back then. The joke reached its climax as soon as the pupil jumped up with a scream. The only witnesses were the perpetrator and those sitting nearby. If the matter was reported to the teacher, the pupil was punished.

Today, however, pranks big and small are also documented with the help of smartphones and disseminated via social media. This makes the crucial difference that we have to explain to children. Earlier pranks never reached such dimensions that they embarrassed the victim in an unmanageable public sphere. But what should happen to perpetrators of cyberbullying who just wanted to have a joke?

Everyone deserves a second chance

A blatant example: A 13-year-old pupil receives a nude photo of a classmate of the same age at his request and sends the picture to his contacts via WhatsApp. The girl breaks down, has to change schools and needs psychological counselling. We should actually be able to assume that the boy knows that sharing this photo is a criminal offence. But he doesn't give a second thought to the consequences for the victim. His focus is solely on his success online.

Should this offender be expelled from school? «No,» a 12-year-old girl tells me at a workshop. «He should be given a serious warning and a second chance.» And why? «Because he didn't want the girl to feel so bad.» But shouldn't he have known better? «After all, he's still a child,» the girl insists.

Digital education is more than just understanding technology

So how should we deal with the issue of cyberbullying? In the search for quick and easy solutions, parents are calling on teachers, for example, to implement the smartphone ban in schools even more consistently than before. But that cannot be the solution.

Acts that are committed with full intent can unfortunately never be completely prevented. They are usually based on deep dissatisfaction, frustration and other bad feelings. The school could do something about this by creating a good, trusting and fear-free atmosphere.

To prevent the majority of pranks from getting out of hand, schools need to start prevention work with eight-year-olds. Preferably before they have their own mobile phones. Let's bring them into the discussion with a simple example: every child thinks a photo is funny if it shows another child being taken by surprise in the changing room. But no child finds it funny if that person is themselves.

Digital education is not just the competent use of technology, but also the communication of our social values in the Internet age.

Ultimately, it is about the question of how we want to live well, mindfully, respectfully and peacefully with one another. We all need to set an example and show this to our children.

What parents should teach their children

• Den Unterschied zwischen einem Streich in der Schule und einem Streich im Internet erklären.
• Unermüdlich das Mantra «Das Netz vergisst nichts» wiederholen. 
• Den moralischen Kompass stärken und an den Gerechtigkeitssinn appellieren.
• Wenn das Kind zum Täter wird, nicht vergessen: Es ist ein Kind.

In an emergency

• Empörung zurückschrauben, nüchtern den Sachverhalt klären.
• Wird das Kind Opfer von Cybermobbing, sprechen Sie es von Schuld frei.
• Nicht hilflos sein, wissen, was zu tun ist. Screenshot anfertigen, den Betreiber des Dienstes informieren. Notfalls die Polizei aufsuchen.

Read more about cyberbullying:

• Hetze im Netz
  Cybermobbing ist kein Kavaliersdelikt, sondern kann strafrechtlich verfolgt werden. Wie sollen Eltern vorgehen, wenn ihr Kind am Internetpranger steht?

• «Wir wurden alleingelassen»
  Als ihre Tochter Anna, 16, Opfer von Cybermobbing wurde, hatten ­Christine und René die Schulleitung auf ihrer Seite – bis sich die Eltern der Mobber einschalteten.