Constant worry is poison for the child

As a mother, it is important to me that our three children experience what pain and
grief feel like. I accept that they may be unhappy at times or even cry from time to time.
That's life. I then comfort them and take care of the wound if necessary. In my environment, however, I often observe that children are anxious and first check what their parents think before they dare to do anything themselves. It's as if they want to know how their parents are functioning at that moment.

«The newspapers are full of accidents and terrible events. Is it any wonder that so many people are afraid?»

A reader who asks Jesper Juul for advice.

Many parents comfort their children so quickly that they can't really experience the situation. Somehow I have the feeling that many parents can't cope with their children's grief. I see parents who forbid their children to climb trees or run fast. For fear that something might happen. The newspapers are full of accidents and terrible events. Is it any wonder that so many are afraid? I know that
children can get seriously injured. But don't I have to decide how much I trust them? After all, I can't keep running in front of them and clearing everything dangerous out of the way - or walking behind them to check whether they are afraid.
I'm sure they'll realise whether they feel up to a situation and won't do something if they don't trust themselves to do it. And vice versa, I am also confident
that they will succeed in what they do. What do you think about this?

Jesper Juul answers:

It is true that we cannot prevent children from suffering pain - and we should not do so either. Caring for children should be an appropriate mix of love and care. You are absolutely right in your observation that one to four year olds co-operate with their parents' attitudes, feelings and reactions. They observe and mirror their parents' reactions.
This starts at home in the living room when one child comes round the corner too quickly and collides with the other while playing tag. If they receive a simple and sober comment from their parents, they quickly get up again and everything is okay.
and everything is okay. If the adults react with horror, fear, worry or similar, the children start to cry.

We asked the child if he was
afraid to go into the water.
«No,» he said, «but I'm
just thinking about what
what my mum would say.»

I remember an eight-year-old girl on a school trip to the seaside. She stood on the beach for a long time, undecided, while the other children were already frolicking in the water. When we asked her if she was afraid of the water, she simply said: «No, but I'm just thinking about what my mum would say.» Constant worry and excessive fear are pure poison for children - for their self-perception and self-confidence. Bicycle helmets or the safety net around a trampoline are important inventions to prevent head or back injuries. However, a 30-centimetre-thick rubber mat under a swing in the playground only serves as protection for parents or institutions.

Life is not painless

There is a tendency in our culture to believe that life should be pain-free. A trend that deprives our children of the opportunity to learn from their own, surprising
experiences, to overcome obstacles - often painfully - and to realise the consequences of their actions. This trend is not based on what is good and healthy for our children.
our children. It only reflects the narcissism of adults - in other words, it serves the parents for their own self-image as parents, which is not defined by the children's experience.
competence. At the same time, it is also sad for the adults themselves when the children's joy and excitement about experiments is displaced by worry and fear.

Child-orientated pre-«care»

As we know, children are very different. Some seem to be born a little more attentive and cautious. They also prepare themselves very carefully mentally
for the next phase of their development. Others forge ahead regardless and can only learn from their concrete experiences. Both extremes are the way they are, and parents should not wish their children to be different. Therefore
it is important that parents and other adults realise how they can best support this particular child in their development. No one can give an exact answer to the question of when exactly parents should intervene. However, a good guide is the question: «Am I doing this because it benefits my child, or am I doing it to reassure or comfort myself?»

To the author:

Jesper Juul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.

Jesper Juul: Exclusive in December 2017

• What is the most important thing you have given your son? Jesper Juul in an exclusive interview, part 1
• What is the best thing that has happened to you in your life? Part 2 of the big interview with Jesper Juul