Children suffer when parents drink
My children didn't realise any of this.- I often hear this sentence from parents who come to counselling because of an addiction. And they usually add: «I drank while the children were asleep, I went to work as normal and the children never asked.»
There is an understandable desire behind these thoughts: parents want to protect their children from their own weaknesses and problems. The thought that parental addiction could have a negative impact on the children is difficult to bear for many. Nevertheless, studies prove beyond doubt that such a family burden does not pass children by without a trace and can jeopardise their development.
The degree of addiction certainly plays a role and there are also corrective factors. But the fact is that the addiction of one parent affects the whole family. Even if the parents endeavour to keep the children away from it.
«I couldn't feel my father»
Children from affected families often have problems forming attachments - and this continues into adulthood. The reason for this is that they have experienced little reliability, care, understanding, emotional availability and trust from their addicted parent. Sometimes this can be compensated for by the healthy parent.
Or the child is lucky enough to have other people nearby who offer a reliable bond. This would strengthen the child's resources and improve the developmental prognosis, as resilience research shows. (Resilience is a psychological and physical resistance).
Too early, too much responsibility: children of addicted single parents are particularly at risk
Building a relationship with the affected parent, on the other hand, is difficult. Recently, an adult who experienced her father's addiction as a child told me: «My father was there, but he wasn't there. I couldn't reach him. He was not noticeable.» Children often perceive the alcoholic parent as if through a «window». The addiction or the alcohol stands between them. This makes an authentic relationship difficult or even impossible.
Children of addicted parents often have low self-esteem
Affected children also often find it difficult to recognise their own needs and wishes. They have developed very good antennae for what is expected of them. Their entire focus is on recognising and satisfying the needs of others. Children who grow up in families with addiction problems often show low self-esteem. At home, the addicted parents, the addiction issue or the substance took centre stage - they themselves received little attention. As a result, their parents were unable to support them in their age-typical developmental tasks.
Other affected children appear strangely adult. They had to take on adult tasks at a very early age and were thus deprived of their childhood. Roles were reversed: the children had to look after younger siblings, provide food and do the housework. This is especially true for single parents with addiction problems. The children are particularly at risk here. These children learn early and impressively to take on responsibility, but are neglected in the process.
Step by step to a clarifying dialogue
«I was often ashamed of my mum or dad» is also a typical sentence for children of addicted parents. The child who had to fetch their drunken father home from the pub is certainly an extreme example. Many children hardly dare to take their mates home because they never know how they will find their father or mother. They have learnt to live with this unpredictability, but don't want to put their friends through this experience. This often leads to additional difficulties in relationships with peers. Last but not least, the children affected suffer from poor performance at school.
Children from addicted families often have problems forming bonds.
Studies show that there is a striking correlation between parental addiction and attention and concentration problems in children. Their minds are understandably elsewhere, occupied by worries that they should actually be free of. In addition, it would feel like a betrayal of the parents to confide in someone. Parents who question their own consumption are already taking the first important step.
The next step should lead them to a specialist centre to seek professional advice. Addiction is a mental illness. It needs the help of experts and not therapies within the family. At the specialist centre, parents also receive support in having age-appropriate conversations with their children. This is because the topic is often taboo at home.
«My father drinks because I've behaved badly.»
It is good for the children to be told that their father or mother is ill. They now have an explanation for the perhaps incomprehensible behaviour of the parents concerned. This has a relieving effect. Children often blame their own behaviour: «My father drinks because I behaved badly.» And then children finally get the chance to say how they feel, what is bothering them, what worries them. Of course, this conversation is not easy. Parents show themselves to be vulnerable, admit weaknesses, but can now also learn to put themselves in their children's shoes.
Affected children have to look after younger siblings, provide food and do the housework.
This is often the point at which parents realise that their children have noticed a lot. Even if they perhaps didn't understand it and couldn't categorise it. Even if they didn't talk about it. It is our experience from our therapeutic work with affected children and families that behavioural problems and other symptoms can be resolved when children and parents talk openly with each other. Such a conversation is a relief - and not an additional burden, as many addicts fear. This is because children are always aware of their parents' addiction, even in the womb.
Picture: fotolia.com
How many children grow up with alcoholic parents?
According to SuchtSchweiz, there are around 250,000 alcohol-dependent people living in Switzerland. Around 100,000 children in Switzerland have an alcohol-dependent mother or father. The number of unreported cases is high, as the figures relate to patients undergoing treatment for alcohol addiction. There are no figures for the consumption of illegal substances or other addictions.
Links:
www.mamatrinkt.ch
www.papatrinkt.ch
www.suchtschweiz.ch
When is there an alcohol problem?
- Hatten Sie jemals das Gefühl, Ihren Konsum an alkoholischen Getränken verringern zu müssen?
- Hat Ihr Umfeld schon einmal Bemerkungen über Ihren Alkoholkonsum gemacht?
- Hatten Sie schon einmal den Eindruck, dass Sie zu viel trinken?
- Haben Sie schon einmal am Morgen Alkohol gebraucht, um in Form zu sein?
If you answer yes to two or more of these questions, you may be experiencing problematic alcohol consumption. In this case, you should seek help from an addiction counselling centre. (see www.aktionstag-alkoholprobleme .ch)