Children should not be forbidden to do anything, otherwise they become little rebels. Right?

Educational myth 7:

That's what the experts say:

«If you make a deal, you have to enforce it and help the child to stick to it. Parenting is not a feel-good spa, it's hard work. As a parent, you have to be able to step out of your comfort zone. This also includes facing up to the child's autonomous opinion. However, because we live in a world that sometimes leaves us disorientated, many parents tend not to jeopardise their relationship with their children. This leads to negotiating rather than demanding. In a conflict, however, empathy must be put on the back burner. Why do negotiations have to be cosy? What counts is the result, not the applause you get.»

«It's very difficult to say no to someone you love. You want to say yes to people you love. That's also a wonderful thing, because every child's life should start with their parents telling them: "Yes, you're welcome! We want you!» Every generation has had difficulties with saying no and has dealt with it differently. My parents' generation automatically said no to all gestures that showed initiative - their no always sounded aggressive, and this aggression revealed how difficult it actually was for them to say no. Today it is different - among parents there are almost only yes-men, which leads to the same difficulties in the relationship with the children.
There are probably two reasons for this reversal of the methods of the parents' generation. One is clear: it is a completely normal reaction to do exactly the opposite of what one's parents practised. The other reason is that the reasons for the many no's have disappeared - for example, today's parents always have money for a bar of chocolate. That really used to be different. And what also used to be different is the fact that there was a consensus among parents. They said: «No, you can't do that at your age!» and knew that other parents would do the same. If you say that to a child today, they can use their mobile phone to prove to you straight away that their friend is allowed to do what they are not. It's a big challenge for postmodern parents to find their own values.
You have to be clear about what you want. However, there are phases in life when everything is unclear and you don't know what to do. But you can also make this clear to your partner or your children. For example: your daughter comes home from school and asks you: «Can I sleep at Christina's tonight?» Your automatic answer would be: «No, you already did that last week and that might be too much for Christina's mum!» But with this answer, you reveal that it's not you talking, but the parental tape recorder playing its song. If you ask yourself as a mum or dad: «Do I want my daughter to spend the night somewhere else?», the answer may initially be: «I don't know, I don't know!» And that's exactly what you can tell your daughter: «I don't know. I'll have to think about it for a while and then I'll tell you!» This is clear information for your daughter. This behaviour is warmer and more humane than setting a rule from the outset. There is no contact, no dialogue, no development, just the rule. And your family can very quickly turn into a military camp! Parents are always expected to know everything immediately. And it's wonderful if they don't know something straight away and have to think about it."

All parenting myths at a glance:

Read the answers to 15 parenting myths here:

• Good grades should be rewarded with money
• Withdrawal of mobile phones as a punishment makes sense
• A child with a lot of freedom becomes more responsible
• Only children are spoilt and can't share
• Kids who fight become criminals
• Arguing with your children makes them quarrelsome
• Lots of toys make a child feel loved
• Children of divorce are incapable of relationships
• Defiant children need tougher parenting
• You can no longer educate 13-year-olds
• As parents, you should also be your children's best friends
• A child should receive a smartphone from Year 1
• Children who receive early support become more successful
• A slap in the face has never hurt a child

More educational knowledge on the subject of authority:

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• Authority: How strictly do we educate?
  Equal rights or clear boundaries? We asked families how they view the issue of authority in their day-to-day parenting.
• Unsure about parenting? A good sign!
  Are you often unsure whether you are bringing up your children well? Then you're probably on the right track, says psychologist Fabian Grolimund.
• Discussion instead of obedience: the new parenting
  Parents used to demand obedience from their children, but today almost everything is discussed in families. Experts complain that the result is children who become beloved pains in the arse. Do parents really assert themselves too little and argue too much?