Children of divorce are incapable of having a relationship. Is that true?

Educational myth 9:

Children of divorce are incapable of having a relationship. Is that true?
Children of divorce are incapable of having a relationship. Is that true?

That's what the experts say:

«If parents want to stay together for the sake of their children and, inspired by this desire, make efforts to improve their partnership, this is a valid reason. However, if they are unable to provide their children with an appropriate family climate that is characterised by positivity and appreciation, and chronic tensions and destructive conflicts poison their life together, this is more harmful to the children than a successful separation. Several studies show that a persistently negative family dynamic is more harmful to children than divorce per se.»

Guy Bodenmann ist ordentlicher Professor für Klinische Psychologie mit Schwerpunkt Kinder / Jugendliche und Paare / Familien an der Universität Zürich. Er ist Direktor der Praxisstelle für Paartherapie und der Praxis- stelle für Kinder- und Jugendpsychotherapie am Psychotherapeutischen Zentrum der Universität Zürich und Buchautor.
Guy Bodenmann is a full professor of clinical psychology specialising in children/adolescents and couples/families at the University of Zurich. He is Director of the Couples Therapy Practice and the Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy Practice at the Psychotherapeutic Centre of the University of Zurich and author of books.

«Separation or divorce does not harm the child. What does harm a child, however, are parents who are unable to distinguish between the family and couple levels, who carry out unresolved conflicts in front of the children and allow them to become the plaything of parental emotions. Children are then caught between the fronts, indeed they become the actual battle trophy, the alleged reason for the bitter divorce battle. If we want to spare them this, we must bear two points in mind. Firstly, we should be aware that the children's feelings towards the other parent are not identical to the feelings we have for that person. Secondly, we should be careful not to do anything that jeopardises the parent's relationship with the other parent. If we keep these points in mind in all situations during and after the separation and try to see the respective situations through the eyes of the children, children of divorce can also grow up happily.»

Oliver Hunziker ist Informatiker, Präsident der Beratungsorganisation Verein für elterliche Verantwortung (VeV Schweiz), Präsident des Dachverbandes GeCoBi – Schweizerische Vereinigung für gemeinsame Elternschaft, Präsident und Gründer des Männer- und Väterhauses ZwüscheHalt, Aargau, Bern und Luzern, Vizepräsident des International Council on Shared Parenting. Er lebt in seiner Patchworkfamilie im Kanton Aargau.
Oliver Hunziker is a computer scientist, president of the counselling organisation Verein für elterliche Verantwortung (VeV Schweiz), president of the umbrella organisation GeCoBi - Swiss Association for Shared Parenting, president and founder of the men's and fathers' house ZwüscheHalt, Aargau, Bern and Lucerne, vice-president of the International Council on Shared Parenting. He lives with his patchwork family in the canton of Aargau.

«When parents separate or divorce, around one in three children change their behaviour at school. These children either withdraw or become behaviourally conspicuous. School difficulties often occur between the ages of six and eight and during puberty. During these phases, the child builds up important stages of ego development - including the ability to concentrate. Parental separation can impair this process. It can also trigger compensatory behaviour: an increased use of social media accompanied by a loss of social contact or a change in eating and sleeping behaviour. It is also possible that the child's development is delayed or accelerated. With all these consequences, the more conflictual a separation is - i.e. the more arguments, anger and aggression - the worse it is for the child and the greater the possible consequences. In my practice, I have noticed that children of divorce often find it difficult to make long-term commitments in relationships as adults. Self-esteem can also suffer. But let's not forget: in the best-case scenario, the child's well-being is not affected at all by a separation and the child gains independence and coping strategies.»

Sonya Gassmann ist Psychologin lic.phil., Mediatorin und Dozentin. In der eigenen Praxis in der Stadt Bern berät sie Einzelpersonen, Paare und Familien. Dabei arbeitet sie auch direkt mit Kindern und Jugendlichen, die von einer Trennung betroffen sind. Gassmann war als Berufsschullehrerin und Schulleiterin tätig sowie als Expertin für Konfliktsituationen und Gesprächsführung beim Bundesamt für Sport.
Sonya Gassmann is a lic.phil. psychologist, mediator and lecturer. In her own practice in the city of Bern, she counsels individuals, couples and families. She also works directly with children and young people affected by separation. Gassmann has worked as a vocational school teacher and head teacher as well as an expert in conflict situations and dialogue at the Federal Office of Sport.

All parenting myths at a glance:

Parenting knowledge instead of parenting myths!
You can find all the myths in our dossier: 15 parenting myths

Read the answers to 15 parenting myths here:

  • Good grades should be rewarded with money
  • Withdrawal of mobile phones as a punishment makes sense
  • A child with a lot of freedom becomes more responsible
  • Only children are spoilt and can't share
  • Kids who fight become criminals
  • Arguing with your children makes them quarrelsome
  • Children should not be forbidden to do anything, otherwise they will become little rebels
  • Lots of toys make a child feel loved
  • Defiant children need tougher parenting
  • You can no longer educate 13-year-olds
  • As parents, you should also be your children's best friends
  • A child should receive a smartphone from Year 1
  • Children who receive early support become more successful
  • A slap in the face has never hurt a child
"150 questions - 150 answers on parenting, family and school". In the 132-page guide, 51 experts have their say. New subscribers receive the booklet free of charge. A single issue costs CHF 14.90 plus postage; you can order it here.
"150 questions - 150 answers on education, family and school".
The 132-page guidebook features 51 experts. New subscribers receive the booklet free of charge. A single issue costs CHF 14.90 plus postage; you can order it here.

More parenting knowledge on the subject of divorce:

  • 19 questions about parenthood and couple life
    Is it actually okay to be ashamed of your child? Should you keep couple arguments away from children? And how can you find time for yourself so that difficult separation issues don't arise in the first place? 19 questions about parenting and couple life from our big 100-question dossier.
  • Mrs Kammerer, how do children experience divorce?
    Irina Kammerer runs group courses for children who are affected by their parents' divorce. She knows what the girls and boys suffer from, how they can be helped and what mums and dads can do for their children during a separation.
  • Children of divorce: How can a good separation be achieved?
    In the last 50 years, the divorce rate in Switzerland has more than doubled. However, a separation does not necessarily have to have a negative impact on a child's development. Provided that the parents manage to behave in the best interests of the child. How does that work?
  • Mrs Gassmann, what helps children during a separation?
    Sonya Gassmann supports parents during separation. More important than talking is being present and doing something with the children, says the psychologist.