«Children are good mourners»
Mrs Weber, how do children learn to grieve?
We adults are their role models. Children encounter the topic at a very early age and ask their questions in a completely unbiased way. It is then crucial how we deal with such situations. For example, if a child turns over a dead hedgehog with two sticks and is amazed to see how many worms are crawling inside the animal, we as adult companions should not panic. This is because the fright comes across subliminally and children are already influenced by this. We have to realise that we convey much more non-verbally than verbally. It doesn't matter what I say if the child gets a completely different message from my behaviour. But it also has to be said that children are good mourners by nature.
What does that mean?
Children grieve briefly and violently, they do not remain in one stage for as long as adults. This often frightens parents because they compare their children's grief with their own, which they store in their minds as «normal». The fact that children can also be exuberant and cheerful in phases directly after the death irritates many.
«The best questions to ask a grieving child are: Where do you think mummy is now? What do you think heaven will be like?»
Conversely, children are also irritated when they suddenly experience the adults they are familiar with in an exceptional situation.
That's true, and that's exactly why open dialogue is so important here. Children are great comforters if you let them. Empathy and sympathy for the suffering of others is inherent in all of us. The worst thing you can do is to pretend that nothing is wrong. After all, the child sees how you are, it perceives something and receives a verbal message: you are perceiving things wrongly, there is nothing there. And it gets distracted. Instead, you should let them share in your own grief and at the same time convey that this is a condition that will pass. Just as everything outside in nature is constantly changing - there is no such thing as eternal happiness.
not.
What is the best way for teachers to deal with children who have a death in the family?
Unfortunately, this is not an issue in many schools; teachers and educators hardly receive any further training for such situations. It is very important that they, too, question their own experiences and viewpoint on the subject. I would always talk to the family and ask the child whether they want to be approached about it or not. And not just straight after the death. Some children don't want to talk about it until weeks later, when the grief really sets in after the initial shock. But then no one asks, it's been too long. I see this as a general problem in our society.
How do I recognise that a child needs additional help with the grieving process?
Self-harm is an important alarm signal. Even if a child is still withdrawn a long time after the death, is lonely and isolated and doesn't play with friends, that would make me suspicious. With young people, you should also look at how well networked they are and where they can find people to talk to. It is not said that only family members can best help in such a situation. Specialists from outside can often provide a lot of support.
Why can't the family do it alone?
A family works like a mobile. Everyone hangs on a thread and is connected to each other. If there is a strong breeze, everyone is flapping, and at some point the mobile calms down again. But what happens if you cut off a piece of the mobile? It collapses and is no longer functional. When a family member dies, the others want to protect each other, but everyone is also dealing with their own grief and emotional distress. Those who are struggling themselves and are burdened by the loss find it difficult to be there for others.
Can someone from outside help?
Absolutely. It doesn't necessarily have to be a professional grief counsellor. Other people who are close to the families - and especially the children - but who also have a certain distance because they are not directly affected by the loss, can also provide valuable support.
What can such support look like in concrete terms?
The rule is: not speaking up is not a solution. You can tell the child: I can see that something is bothering you. And tell them about yourself. How you have experienced such situations yourself, what has helped you perhaps. But it's important to give the children space. Just be there, play together, it doesn't always have to be about grief. There are parents who think that if you talk to children about their grief, they will immediately respond and ask questions. This is an illusion. Most children ask questions at the most stupid moments. They should always be taught that they can and are allowed to do this. One answer to exactly this question is enough. No more, that's too much for the children. And certainly not a lecture on the subject because you think this is a good opportunity.
How do I start a conversation with the child?
For example, by asking a counter-question: What do you imagine heaven to be like? Where do you think mummy is now? Simple things like that. The children often describe great pictures of how this whole concept of dying and death looks to them.
Only to play exuberantly again the next moment.
Exactly, and that's a good thing. Grief is only ever a short sequence, children are turned towards life. They have their very own rhythm. This is vital for all of us. Even if we don't realise it most of the time, we've all been given a very healthy set of grieving skills. If we didn't have this, we would all be permanently severely depressed.
You are the mother of eight children, one of whom has died. Do you talk to your children about death?
Of course, when it's appropriate. But we talk even more about life. We have a basic rule: you're allowed to argue, get angry and be pissed off. Butyou always make peace with each other in the evening, because you never know whether the other person will still be there the next morning. You don't put things like that off until tomorrow or the day after. And I teach my children that every single day is a gift.
Waves instead of phases, puddles instead of the ocean
Children grieve differently to adults. Grown-ups struggle through a vast ocean of grief and experience the four phases of mourning defined by Swiss psychologist Verena Kast in the 1980s:
- die Phase des Nicht-Wahrhaben-Wollens
- die Phase der aufbrechenden Emotionen
- die Phase des Suchens und Sich-Trennens
- die Phase des neuen Selbst-und Weltbezugs.
In their grief, however, the little ones symbolically jump from puddle to puddle, repeatedly diving into a small pond of grief, but also finding their way out again very quickly - before diving into the next puddle. The change is usually very abrupt and can irritate adults who are used to a different form of mourning.
About the person:
More on the subject of grief:
- Children should learn everything about death
The grandmother is suffering from cancer. The illness is a great burden on the family. One of the children has nightmares and talks about the fear of dying. How should we talk to our children about death and grief?
- Mothers and fathers who lose their partner are doubly burdened.
Those who accept help and give their grief enough space can cope with this balancing act, says psychologist Daniella Nosetti-Bürgi.