Can there be two parenting styles in one family?

A father asks:
«What impact can it have on my children if there are two different parenting styles in the family? Can children deal with it in the same way as they do with other adults, such as grandparents or teachers?»

Jesper Juul responds to this:

This is a question that concerns many parents. That's why I want to keep the answer as general as possible. Not so long ago, experts recommended that parents should always agree on parenting issues. One reason for this was that for many parents, daily contact with their children became a permanent power struggle. Therefore, according to the advice, parents should present a united front to their children. However, in this system, children were not allowed to win this «battle».
We are now wiser and beginning to understand that only one aspect makes sense - parental leadership. If children are left to lead, they cannot thrive and develop into healthy human beings.
The idea that children need parents who agree on everything is outdated. It is a fact that people are different. Parents also have different stories, their own personalities and, in most cases, a different gender.

They can basically agree with each other. But in their day-to-day dealings with each other, their idiosyncrasies become apparent. And that's how it should be. The only alternative would be to appoint a «boss». This would mean that the other person would be demoted to assistant, housemaid or servant. Equality between parents is not possible in this way.

Diversity does not unsettle children

Children can deal with their parents' differences in a wonderful way. It doesn't make them feel insecure or confused, as we used to think. However, parents should agree that it is okay to be different.

If children are left in charge, they cannot thrive and develop into healthy people.

It's an interesting experience for us adults that we automatically inherit many things from our parents that we didn't want. We all do this to a certain extent, even if we try to avoid it. Adults should not blame each other or feel guilty about this. However, we should reflect on this behaviour and try to stop it.
When individual differences between parents lead to arguments and conflicts, this is a good opportunity to reflect on your own childhood and share it with your partner. In this way, you can avoid fruitless discussions about the right way to be a parent. Instead, you can find out what kind of parent you are - and why that is.

Disputes about attitudes are harmful

Conversations about parenting should not be about who ultimately wins, but about what conditions are best for the children. Children benefit from having a mum and dad who feel comfortable in their role as parents, who value each other - and their differences.
It makes a big difference whether parents are different or have different attitudes. Having different attitudes means disagreeing on values, principles or ideologies.

Regular power struggles and arguments between parents create fear, insecurity and a feeling of guilt in children.

Disputes about attitudes are usually about presenting the other person's opinion as «wrong» and one's own as «right». It is not good for children to grow up with such arguments between their parents.
Bringing up children is like a colourful box of sweets: There are pieces of our own upbringing, different theories and attitudes to parenting combined with our uniqueness, diversity, values, opinions and desire to influence things to our liking. It therefore makes sense to take a structured approach.
You should ask yourself the following questions: What do I stand for - and why? What does my partner stand for - and why? Are the conversations with my partner really about parenting issues and our children - or is it actually about something else? Am I behaving the way I think is right? Is the problem with the child or with us as parents? Can we as parents agree that we want to do things differently?

Unity is only useful if it serves the best interests of the child

Raising children is a mutual learning process. It is no use parents agreeing on something if the children react negatively to it or are unhappy, frustrated, aggressive or sad because of it. Then the parents have to take another look at their shared views until the children regain their happiness and enthusiasm.
It is neither pleasant nor good for children if their parents are constantly insecure, clueless or stubborn. It makes them feel lonely, isolated and ignored. Regular arguments and power struggles between parents create insecurity, fear and a feeling of guilt in children. In this case, it is a good idea to seek professional help - for the sake of the whole family's well-being. This will prevent things from going seriously wrong.

About Jesper Juul (1948 - 2019):

Take your child seriously - treat them with respect. Children don't need boundaries - they need relationships. Parents don't need to be consistent - they need to be credible.

The Danish family therapist Jesper Juul has influenced people like no other in recent decades with his parenting and relationship principles. The founder of the familylab counselling network and author of over 40 books («Dein kompetentes Kind», «Aus Erziehung wird Beziehung») was married twice. He is survived by a son from his first marriage and two grandchildren.

Jesper Juul died on 25 July 2019 at the age of 71 after a long illness in Odder, Denmark.

Jesper Juul's columns are written in collaboration with familylab.ch

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