Can men learn to be fathers from women?
A reader writes: I am married, my husband comes from Portugal. We have a seven-year-old son together. Our problem is that I think my husband thinks «old-fashioned» when it comes to bringing up our son. We are both currently reading «Your Competent Child». I find the book inspiring. With my husband, I have the feeling that he always forgets what we've discussed and then just carries on as before.
Prohibitions paralyse. Equal dialogue, on the other hand, activates and develops the brain.
He always gets very angry when I talk to him about his behaviour in conflict situations with our son and remind him of the agreement we made based on our conversations. My husband says that he feels attacked by this and that the atmosphere in our family suffers as a result. He also thinks that we shouldn't have any conflicts when our son is listening to us. But I worry about our child. I am worried. It depresses me to think that our marriage might even fail because of this. I'm very desperate, because I love them both, but what can I do?
Jesper Juul answers:
I'm afraid I have to agree with your husband. Your behaviour is undermining his role as a father. You can help him grow as a parent - but you can also prevent it. From my experience, which is now confirmed by research, I know that fathers cannot learn to be fathers from the mothers of their children. Not even from other mothers.
Children should learn to talk about their own thoughts, feelings, experiences and values rather than those of other people.
They can only learn from other fathers and from dealing with their children. Both parents learn above all from their children. In a family, the well-being of all is the central point. Your husband is absolutely right when he says that he loses dignity because of your criticism. Especially in the eyes of his son. Your situation must not be allowed to develop into a power struggle over the child's care and well-being.
Meeting children with empathy
When we deal with parenthood, we should also include the question of how we have learnt to love someone else. What about our willingness and ability as adults to love ourselves and others as they are? It is difficult - but not impossible - for parents to treat their children with empathy and interest, even if they did not experience this themselves as children. Many adults grew up as children in families where their feelings and behaviour were not recognised or taken seriously. Some of these people are fully aware of the pain this has caused and want to take a different path with their children. Others have simply forgotten the pain and suppress their feelings. They find it difficult to accept new things.
Refining the ability to love
This does not mean that these people are condemned to stick to their behaviour for the rest of their lives. In the second or third generation, it may well be possible to refine the ability to love. However, if parents constantly criticise each other's parenting, existential questions will soon arise: namely, what value they have as human beings.
Changes occur during the breaks
Disputes about the child often develop into emotional conversations. In order to be a role model for the children, conversations should therefore be conducted with gentleness and care. Changes will not take place during the discussion, but rather in the pauses between conversations - often unconsciously. The best way you can support your husband is to let him and your son go their own way. Your husband will evolve to be the best father he can be - and your son will learn to get along with him. It is very difficult for him to live with parents who struggle with their marriage and try in vain to make the other party out to be better or worse. If his father sacrifices his masculinity for the sake of family peace, your son will have a useless role model as a person, father and partner.
Family therapist Jesper Juul writes a column for every issue of the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi. Would you like to read it regularly? Then subscribe to our magazine now.
About Jesper Juul:
Jesper Juul is a family therapist and author of numerous international bestsellers on the subject of parenting and families. Born in Denmark in 1948, he went to sea after leaving school and later worked as a concrete labourer, dishwasher and bartender. After training as a teacher, he worked as a home educator and social worker and trained as a family therapist with Walter Kempler in the Netherlands and the USA. Since 2012, Juul has suffered from an inflammation of the spinal fluid and is in a wheelchair. Jesper Juul has an adult son from his first marriage and is divorced from his second marriage.
Jesper Juul's columns are produced in collaboration with familylab.ch
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