Can a relationship work without sex?

And six more questions for psychologist Catherine Herriger.

Mrs Herriger, sexual attraction fades after a while for every couple. Why do many people find it difficult?

Because the stage of being in love, the butterflies in your stomach, this incredible intensity was so wonderful, so all-round and naturally inspiring - and so free. And then everyday life returns: the rose-coloured glasses of infatuation are slowly replaced by those of reality, the partner is no longer as wonderful as he or she first seemed, and the spontaneous lust gradually fades. Now other, now partner-like qualities must also take hold so that a more mature desire can find its way into each other. However, this requires a willingness to do some really hard work in the relationship.

The desire for sex disappears with children. For some, it almost falls by the wayside. Is that a problem?

Only to a limited extent, namely when the partners have fixed ideas or want to orientate themselves on their amorous past. What could a way out look like? Take the pressure off! The term «sex» is all too generalising and therefore misleading for many people. Sexuality is not just about intercourse, but also about eros, i.e. tenderness and intimate closeness. If there are no artificially created expectations, more can arise «just like that» from a satisfying cuddle.

Sex lies: «After all these years, we still sleep together several times a day».

Qualified psychologist Catherine Herriger

What do you think of sex as a date, entered in the calendar?

That's pure rubbish! This brings us back to the pleasure killers of pressure to perform and expectations - both for him and for her.

Can a relationship without sex work in the long term?

Why not? Such couples probably live with quite a lot of tenderness and feel a fulfilling closeness in this way. The prerequisite is, of course, that this state is really harmonious for both sides.

Sex on a schedule: «That's pure rubbish and a lust killer!».

Catherine Herriger, relationship therapist

What if a partner suddenly falls in love?

Well, there are probably umpteen people we could all fall in love with. The more complex or even stressful our everyday lives are, the more susceptible we are to another hormone kick, which may be short-lived and destructive. It must be left to the emotional responsibility of each partner to decide how he or she deals with this out-of-home kick in the existing relationship. And with themselves.

Love, lust and sex: there are few topics where people lie so much. What are the biggest lies?

The list really is long. Here's a short list: after all these years, we still sleep together several times a day. - I can easily manage three to four orgasms. - I've never faked an orgasm. - I'm always in the mood. - I could have anyone, but ... - I've never thought about cheating. - I don't fantasise during sex - I don't need to masturbate. - I can always and at any time. - And so on!

Read more:

This text was published as part of our sexuality dossier in December! You can order the magazine, which is dedicated to the sexuality of children and their parents, HERE.

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