«But we're allowed to do that with Dad!»
My children and I are on the bus. After looking in the shopping bags, my then three-year-old son tells me the fare at full volume: «Daddy! That's white bread! And crisps! That's bad for your tummy! You'll never buy that again!» While I'm sitting there, quite dumbfounded, the other people can't help but laugh. Then he adds: «You can tell mum that I've already scolded you. Then she won't have to do it anymore.»
Food is a constant source of discussion for us. While my wife takes care of her health, my food often has more E-numbers than vitamins. If someone tells me I look younger than I am, I can't help but attribute it to the preservatives that ready-made lasagne has given me over the years.
Children have no problem adapting to different people. They know what applies to whom.
You probably feel the same way in your partnership and there are things that you handle differently when dealing with the children. Discussions usually centre on issues such as nutrition, bedtimes, structures, boundaries and rituals. How should you deal with these differences? Do children need the often invoked «united front» or should the individual personality of the parents also find expression in parenting?
Children can deal with differences
In general, it can be said that children have no problem adapting to different caregivers. They know what applies to mum and dad, grandparents or the teacher and can adapt accordingly.
At the same time, differences are an enrichment. They ensure that children receive different models. If parents can allow this diversity, the child's scope of experience expands. They can gain different experiences with parents, grandparents and other caregivers and discover different aspects of their personality. Children actively shape their development by looking for models and role models that suit them.
Differences become problematic when they lead to insurmountable conflicts between parents. When the mother and father no longer respect each other, devalue each other or one parent is marginalised because their parenting skills are seemingly inadequate. The conflicts and power games and their consequences for the partnership are often much harder for the child to bear than the different parenting styles of the parents.
Conflicts often arise when parents take extreme positions in parenting. When he is spontaneous and chaotic and she emphasises clear structures and procedures. If she lets the children get away with a lot and he insists that children need clear boundaries and must feel the consequences. If she is responsible and wants to give the children the motto «no pain, no gain», while he organises his life according to the pleasure principle.
Getting to the bottom of differences
It is helpful to realise that extreme positions are often a reaction rather than a decision. They can arise as a result of our own childhood. For example, if we grew up with strict and punitive parents, we can adopt these views («that didn't hurt us either!») or try to do things differently.
Our behaviour towards the child can also be a reaction to the other parent. If one parent is rather authoritarian and demanding, this can trigger a desire in the other parent to balance this out with leniency. If the strict parent sees how lenient the other parent is with the children, this reinforces their fears: «The children are dancing on your nose!» The need arises to counteract this with even more harshness.
Parental conflicts and power games are often more difficult for the child to cope with than different parenting styles.
However, at a certain point, this «equalising» is unhealthy for everyone involved. The children begin to play the parents off against each other, while they respect each other less and less or even develop the feeling that they have to protect the children from the negative influence of the other.
Finding the centre again
How do parents find their way back to each other in this situation? If both parents can still talk to each other openly, a conversation is a good start. The parents can go through the following questions together:
- Was macht dir Angst oder welche Befürchtungen hast du, wenn du siehst, wie ich mit den Kindern umgehe?
- Was wünschst du dir von mir?
- Wie wollen wir mit unseren Differenzen umgehen?
The «strict» parent may fear that the other parent will spoil the children and that they will turn into egotists who cannot follow the rules and only have their own needs in mind. They may also be bothered by the fact that their parents' needs are being neglected.
The «neglectful» parent may fear that strict parenting will lead to the children developing fears, losing their zest for life and not being seen with their needs. It is helpful to express these fears, perhaps even write them down and ask yourself whether the other parent's assessment contains a grain of truth.
It is also worth asking whether the other person feels comfortable in their role. Perhaps the strict part would like to be compliant for once and not always have to play the «bad guy» - if they can rely on the other person to support important rules. And perhaps it is liberating for the compliant parent to learn to set boundaries from time to time and not let the children get away with everything - in the knowledge that the other parent will also turn a blind eye from time to time and the children will get their money's worth overall.
Simply change roles
If the topic of parenting is so loaded that a conversation is hardly possible, an experiment can bring about change. You simply take on the role of the other person in certain situations. For example, a compliant father could consciously insist on adhering to a rule: «We agreed that you could watch this programme and no more. Now we're going to switch off the TV.» He could stoically endure the children's protests instead of giving in as usual and see how it feels for him - and how his partner reacts.
To the author:
Fabian Grolimund is a psychologist and author («Learning with children»). In the «Parent coaching» section, he answers questions about everyday family life. The 37-year-old is married and father to a son, 5, and a daughter, 2. He lives with his family in Freiburg.
- www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
- www.biber-blog.com
Never miss a text from Fabian Grolimund?
Fabian Grolimund writes for the parents' magazine Fritz+Fränzi in every issue. Make sure you subscribe so that you don't miss any of his texts!